What Not To Almost Wear

I saw a man not long ago, I was probably out at the theater. He was wearing a Neck Sweater. A sweater, you know, draped across his back, sleeves over his shoulders, hanging down his chest, hugging him around the neck like a knitted monkey--- the superfluous Neck Sweater.

Just when I thought it was finally gone, over, done.

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It's time to give the Neck Sweater a rest!

I can remember when the extraneous sweater first appeared. It was in the 80s, I’m pretty sure. This pointless fashion statement was a weird phenomenon even then: wearing a sweater but not really wearing it. Like putting on a tiny cape, I guess, except when someone puts on a cape, they actually have it on. I never owned one; luckily, I skipped that fad. I pushed up the sleeves on my Don Johnson linen jacket but never a Neck Sweater.

The logic behind the fad, if there ever was one, was always a little off. It was sort of Emergencywear--- I might need a sweater, you never know, there could be a sudden chill, a stiff breeze of some kind, so I’d better take a sweater, just in case. But, boy, lugging it around all the time, folded over my arm, that’s a lot of work, putting it down, picking it up again. So, I’ll just lay it here, on myself, so it’s ready in an instant when I need it. Except I never do. Sometimes they’ll tie the sleeves together in a little ball at their breastbone. And, you know, while you’re at it, make it a lovely salmon. (He was at the theater, seeing a musical.)

80s movies are loaded with spare sweater wearers. Tennis pros, frat boys, anybody in Caddyshack. They were everywhere. Well, it’s the 21st century and, sadly, the irrelevant sweater still has its grip around the fashion world’s necks. You still see the occasional tourist, usually German, loaded down with bags from the Gap, a pastel number clinging to his throat. There are some who call them the sweaterdouche.

Enough! Let it go, Musical Theater Guy. If you love it, set it free. It’s 2014. Let’s put the irrelevant sweater to rest. I’m sure we can find another dead fashion statement to resurrect. Like I don’t know, maybe, the dickey!

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Filed under: Humor, Lifestyle

Tags: 80s fashion, neck sweater

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