Money For Nothin'

I pick up money off the ground. Icky, dirty, germy ol’ money.

Pennies, dimes, nickels, whatever’s just lying around; I pick it up.

From the looks I get from people passing by, you’d think I was scooping dog crap and putting it in my pocket. They wrinkle their noses as they turn backward to watch me bending down. They laugh with a “Peasant. What a dork” look on their face.

We’re so rich, I guess, we Americans, so much better off than the rest of the world, that we leave money just lying around and no one touches it: “no, no I have enough money, really, I’ve got plenty of cash; sheesh, I couldn’t possibly handle any more.” We take the term spare change literally, somehow. We can’t be bothered.

I know! Maybe everybody’s so busy optimistically gazing toward their bright, cheery futures they don’t see cash strewn across the sidewalks.

Or, maybe not.

pickup money 2

Do you pick up pennies?

Maybe there’s a magic number, a special, super-secret amount where it’s okay to reach down and pick up free money. Fifty cents. A dollar. Maybe it has to be paper money before it’s worth the effort. It’s coins we don’t like. Maybe it’s the weight, carrying all that jangly moolah around is too much like working out at the gym, so we’re against it.

My bank gives me a hard time counting the stuff whenever I bring in coins. I used to save them in a jar, empty my pockets at night then cash them in at the end of the year, that kind of thing. But the bank where I keep my big stuff, where I have my mortgage, they won’t even deal with it. Too much metal. Call it coinism. Like racism only for small change.

Okay, forget the part where it’s free, this money. Put that part to the side and just think about how much you make in your little day-to-day job per second. Break it down to the second. That’s about how long it takes to pick a penny up off the pavement. Do the math. I did.

A penny, just a penny every second, every minute, every hour, eight hours a day for a year adds up to almost $75,000. So this extra effort, stooping down and picking up a coin, is like a part time job. Think of it that way.

Now if you’re making Bill Gates money that loose change is just so much trash on the pavement. Bill blows his nose in $75,000. I’ve seen him do it. On You Tube, I think. Of course he never really sees actual pavement, it’s obscured by the rose petals his minions throw into his path as his entourage carries him from limo to posh bistro in one of those throne-box thingies. But for us regular folks in the middle, it’s extra income no matter how you slice it.

So, yeah, I pick icky money off the ground. I pick it up. And I put it in my pocket. And then, later, I spend it.

Cha-ching.
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Filed under: Humor, Lifestyle

Tags: money

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