I wouldn’t call myself old. Inside my head, I’m at least 15 years younger than my driver’s license says. But some days, I sure feel like an old guy. Here are a dozen signs you might be older than you think— as many as I could remember at my age. If you come up with any more please send them my way.
1. You make audible grunts, groans, or sighs whenever you sit down, stand up, or reach for anything.
2. Your S-M-T-W-T-F-S pillbox has AM and PM (even midday) compartments.
3. You’ve had more than one “routine” colonoscopy. The doctor who does them gives you a “nice to see you again” grin, you’ve been there so often.
4. You have something on your body that hurts or “is giving you trouble” at any given moment. Could be a bad knee or a rotator cuff, a back molar or just a crick in your neck. Doesn’t matter, you’re a 24/7 menu of aches and pains.
5. You catch yourself calling your iPod a Walkman.
5B. You still have an iPod.
6. You can’t remember the last time you were carded (and that bartender in the American terminal at O’Hare doesn’t count; he’s required to card everybody). When the underage kid at the grocery store calls out “21!” so a grown up can come over and scan your Chardonnay, the manager only needs one, quick look to know: “yep, old guy.”
7. Your hair is vanishing from your head only to reappear, coming out your ears.
8. You make your kids help you with tech devices. Could be the Wi-Fi. Could be the remote. You just don’t want to learn a new thing. You liked the old thing the way it was, when you re-learned it the last time after the even older thing. You don’t feel like dealing with it, so you call your own, personal IT Guy.
9. You fairly consistently ask “have I ever told you this story?” and even if they say they have you retell the story anyway...
10. You gauge the Creeper Factor of looking at a pretty woman by calculating how close she is to your daughter’s age. (Does not apply in Southern California.) (Reverse/Change gender roles according to preference.)
11. You skip past 18 – 24, 25 – 34, and 35 – 48 on surveys and go straight to the bottom and check “other” because your demographic category is now “invisible.” Marketers can no longer see you— unless they’re selling drugs for erectile dysfunction or incontinence.
12. Your graduation year from high school is now Wacky Dress-Up Day in grade schools.
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