Let's be clear: I am unapologetically riffin' off of a Tumblr called Let's Make Fun of: Anthropologie furniture. In my mind, it's no coincidence that all of the pieces Liz Galveo featured are sold out: that piece ruled like a boss. I felt a call to action when I read this piece.
But what to do? About a year ago, I tried to do something similar when I wrote “What goes through my mind when I read Sky Mall.” I had pictures and everything! Alas, I couldn’t make that shit funny or interesting, and scrapped it. So this time, I took a slightly different tack.
Using furnishings from my condo in a lower-middle class neighborhood on the north side of Chicago, I recreated the same pics Liz used of Anthropologie's pricey shit-pop furniture. Here we go!
Anthropologie: stacking things against the door..
Here is a bunch of stuff that has to be taken down to my storage unit and I just don't want to do it. It includes the highly disappointing, cheap modern version of the Big Wheel that I would throw in the trash if G wouldn't feel betrayed, the cat carrier that is too small for either cat but they will have to deal, the baby stroller that I don't want to get rid of because that would mean admitting G won't be getting a natural sibling, and the Fender amp that comes out every three years when I think, "THIS will be the year I learn to play more chords then Am, G, A, and F."
Anthropologie: chair leaders...
Me: these are the chairs in the laundry room that are all empty during the condo board meetings. Know what my picture has that Anthropologie's doesn't? Bags of Mulch, that's what.
Coralie Bed ($2,198.00 – $2,398.00): Trombones must have focus-grouped pretty high with the Anthropologie hipster demographic, so I will refrain from making a third-grade-boy joke about the 'boner in the bed...
The biggest difference between this and Anthropologie's pic is not that mine has a trumpet, theirs a trombone. No. Anthro's was taken in a fake bedroom, and mine was taken in my storage unit. I can't make myself get rid of these things! I've always a hard time letting go of broken things: Cracked headboards. Cheap, nearly unplayable $100 trumpets with the brand name "Frog." Unhappy relationships....the list goes on.
Me: So this is where I move away from the literal towards a more conceptual interpretation of the work. (Mostly because I don't have a tapestry) I, too, have put something NOT QUITE RIGHT in front of something hanging on the wall. In my world, it is a TV screen sitting in front of a print from IKEA. But THE HELL if I'm moving that frame, because it covers a hole that will need spackle, and a new coat of paint. 1. I have NO CLUE what color that is. 2. Small pictures look even more stupid in that spot. So it stays...
Marjorie Chair ($995 - $1498) That's a lot of weird random stuff in one place. Not everyone can pull that look off without it looking like clutter. (If, by now, you haven't checked out L.G. Tumbletown's captions, at the VERY LEAST, do yourself a favor, and read this one. NO, NOT NOW! AFTER you read mine. yeesh...)
There are a few of things that I can't do well: Apply smoky eye makeup. Pick out paint colors. Coordinate kitschy stuff as well as Anthro. So I challenged myself to put together the most Anthro-sensible collection of crap lying around my condo. I even gave myself a rule: it had to be in plain sight. So HERE! Blehhhh...yah! BUNCHA CRAP IN YOUR FACE, SUCKA. Price for the whole lot of it: $5,000. (Clock not included)
Traveler Chest ($1999.95): Now this piece was actually similar to something I own. (mine is an authentic antique ice box. #Win.) So I decided to,well...have a look..
Me: See what I did, there? (And why yes, yes it is a framed pic of St. Elmo's Fire. Good eye!)
Ordinal Dresser ($599.95): I want to know how many people chalkboard painted their floor, after this was published. Because YOU KNOW THEY DID!
Me: USE THE CHALKBOARD, LUKE. This was a very heated discussion about what G was trying to accomplish with his chart. (Pirate Octopus is over their bickering...he don't give a SHIT...)
Altair tent ($6999.95): Welp,we are coming to the end of this circus, folks...because the only thing worse than being in a tent is being SUBMERGED in a tent...
Me: I'll take CHEAP TENTS AND CAT BUTTS ANY OLD DAY...
That's my piece, and that's my peace. Thank you for taking the time to read my silly words. It means the world. Carry on...
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Jenn-Anne owns an Ugly Condo on the north side of Chicago, and shares it with two cats named "Ken," a rescue dog named "Munchkin," and a 10 year old boy whose latest catch phrase is "Doodle doodle turkey..."