Tonight, I looked up at Comcast’s devil screensaver, the one that flashes traffic, weather, and headlines across stock photos of flowers and beaches, and the news wormed its way into the quiet of open-window night sounds and contemplation: Brangelina tied the knot.
And now I will give you the top 5 reasons I don't give a sh*t about the secret Pitt-Jolie wedding:
1. Hello, Kitty is not a Cat: What sort of bullcrap is this? (Hello, Publicity.) Joke's on us! Boy, we really fell for the whole ears/whiskers/Kitty name charade But at least this "Opposite Day" headline is more interesting than one about vows having been exchanged by a couple that has been together for almost a decade.
Oh, wait, this just in: Mickey Mouse wasn’t really a mouse.
2. Because I just reached my #HFA: High Fat Alert. My HO-LY…Okay. Too Fat day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. A few weeks ago I was all like, Doo Be Doo Be Doo, Fat Me Is Back. How Deliciously Feminine. Oh la la, I’m a WOMAN. But that was until someone’s camera disagreed vehemently with my full-length mirror’s opinion about what I really look like. So frankly, right now I am simply too obsessed with my own vanity to give a sh*t ‘bout those two 90’s sex symbols exchanging vows.
3. Because they killed off someone at some point on Downton Abbey and I’m still PISSED OFF about it. WHY LOVE AT ALL WHEN THE CRUEL FATES CAN SMITE THE VERY oh never mind.
4. Because Brangelina doesn’t even WANT me to give a sh*t about the Pitt-Jolie wedding. They are global superstars, each with a team of press agents and lawyers, and yet they got married secretly. In France. Without press. I’m going to connect the dots: they didn’t want anyone to care about the Pitt-Jolie wedding. And I'm happy to oblige. Now you two crazy megastars go make some more movies. You have a lot of college tuition ahead of you. And finally:
5. Because John Stewart. I don’t feel that white men should have ANY final say on whether or not racism exists. But my own tantrums in this space were met with a lot of slow claps and unopened emails. And I suspect it’s because I still give the doubters the dignity of being wrong.
But John Stewart doesn’t.
Hey, Comcast. How about making your Big Brother Media Mole whisper something other than The beautiful parents are legally bound, now. How about a little electronic message that says, Psssst….Everyone stop what you are doing and watch John Stewart’s rant about Ferguson. Nailed it.
That's my piece, and that's my peace. Thank you for taking the time to read my silly words. It means the world. Carry on...
Old Single Mom
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