An open letter to Derrick Rose's Groin


Dear This Thing,

So look, I’m not what one would call a "Doctor"….or a "somewhat knowledgeable person when it comes to sports medicine, anatomy or physiology" , but…can you Mr. Groin, get your shit together…STAT? (That’s a "white coat" term for ASAP)

I just can’t take this anymore.

Sure, record wise the Bulls have been doing ok without Derrick (14-8), but have you-Mr. "The crease or hollow at the junction of the inner part of each thigh with the trunk, together with the adjacent region and often including the external genitals", seen some of these games? It’s kinda like being beaten with a bag of oranges, or being forced to watch the Adam Sandler Movie "Jack and Jill", all the while enduring Stacey King's attempts to convince you that the orange bag beating/insufferably unfunny movie is actually enjoyable.

But superfluous enthusiasm on routine plays-e.g. "World’s Finest Brew", or "Asik and Destroy" does nothing to conceal the truth about these games: they’re painfully uninteresting.

In fact, watching them has become nothing short of laborious-be it dealing with Noah’s bipolar play, or Boozer’s unnecessary fadeaways, or John Lucas the Third shooting a third of the team’s shots…ahhhhh!

Sorry Groin, didn’t mean to shout in text form…it’s just maddening….what you’ve done to us. It’s kinda like in the Movie Little Giants, when Icebox abruptly decided she wanted to be a cheerleader, essentially abandoning her team in the 1st half of their highly anticipated game against the Cowboys.

Ok, that’s neither here nor there…bad analogy….good movie though. (albeit implausible-Cowboys would of covered -50 in my book)

Anyway, we got some big games coming up, including one against the Celtics and two against the Heat…not to mention the playoffs on the horizon. I fully expect you to expedite the healing process…to, in short order, remedy the "glowing redness" which has befallen you.

And don’t give me "Oh the Cubs and Sox are starting…plus you have Hockey Playoffs coming up..they’ll entertain you while I’m gone!" Look..the Sox and Cubs are going to make a orange bag beating seem like a Swedish Massage, and as far the Hockey Playoffs go….stop that.

Bottom line is this: Icebox, "manned up", got the cleats on, and came back for the second half…cheerleading skirt and all. You…Mr. Strained Groin, need to do the same.

Ok, that analogy didn’t make sense again…I’m going crazy.

Be Good Friends,



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  • Sometimes parts of the guy would just "burst" into flames...

  • Very amusing.

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