Now I’m not a meteorologist, or historian, but…. it’s rained in Chicago before…right?
I mean…like since there’s been cars and roads?
Ok ok, that’s what I thought.
It’s just that….you guys drive as though you’ve never encountered rain.
As though these large, expensive, mobile machines we call cars, are not equipped to handle…water.
As though the windshield wiper, (circa 1903) is simply a "that’s awesome-imagine if we had that!" prop in a futuristic science fiction movie.
Look, I’m all for safe and cautious driving, for making reasonable, and responsible adjustments based on road conditions. That said, going at least 45 mph when it’s drizzling (10 below the speed limit in Chicago) does not equate to reckless driving-nor does going 55 mph make you the Evel Knievel of the Dan Ryan Expressway.
A couple other suggestions to deal with the ferocious, unrelenting hand of Mother Nature (e.g. Unremarkable Rain/Slight Wind):
- Put the iPhone down: Kevin can wait to hear about how you "slammed 14 beers last night bro!". Surprisingly, the Twitter community can go without your clever insights for a little while as well (e.g. "iSad"). You can also put off checking the Jersey Shore message boards for reactions to last nights episode …or you can realize you’re an adult, and that the show is historically, unprecedentedly….stupid-yea that works, and not watch or discuss the show at all. I digress.
- Put your Hardee’s Monster Thick Burger down.
- Don’t put makeup on/shave as you drive.
- Don’t be on your iPhone as you ingest a Frisbee sized burger, while your attempting to make your appearance satisfactory for public viewing.
And while I’m at it, please stop waiting until the last possible second to merge. You knew you needed to get in this lane 3 miles ago-yet you attempt to beat the traffic by pretending you’re sticking with one lane (think Cermack/22nd St Exit), and then , at the point when only clueless tourists should be allowed to switch, shamelessly sneak in the other lane (think I 90/94). It exacerbates traffic, it’s annoying, it’s unethical , and it makes me want to shoot your car with a missile (Think Twisted Metal-the game anyone and everyone with a Playstation 1 had).
So: hit the gas, utilize the brake as necessary, employ the windshield wipers, stop watching the Jersey Shore, don’t drive below 45 mph because it’s drizzling, eat the Frisbee with Cheese later, don’t engage in unethical road behavior worthy of being blown up by a Sadistic Ice Cream Truck provided missile, and just DRIVE.
Be Good Friends,