New Year, Old Memories

Sometimes you hear words you wish you could unhear. You ask someone a question, praying for an answer you know you won't get. And then, as soon as you get the answer you weren't hoping for...your mind fills.

Every memory. Each moment. The good. The awful. The hope. The mistakes. Every awkward encounter since.

How did life become what it is? How did we all end up where we are? What went right? What went wrong? You're sorry. Are they sorry? They'd never tell you if they were.

Think back to when this person made sure you were always picked. Even before we knew to be selfless, they were selfless.

Think back to when you were kind. Really kind. Before you knew to be calloused and snarky. You were truly, deeply good and kind. That's why they liked you so much.

Think about names scribbled in notebooks and bonfires and bracelets. Remember parents giggling about crushes and silly smiles on long school days.

Think back to catching eyes across a room and knowing this was the start of something. The striped socks. That hug in the kitchen. Laughing with everyone but dying to be alone. Clint Eastwood movies and sneaking text messages during church.

Think back to the times when a Keith Urban song and a Facebook status were enough to make your heart soar. When there was hope and promise in something so innocent.

Think back to dates where you couldn't find a word to say. Too nervous to eat or talk or even breathe. To Seven Mile Road and inside jokes that still make you laugh years later.

Think back to that moment when everyone thought it would be the perfect love story. Everyone.

Remember feeling crazy. Insane. Knowing you both felt it but being completely alone. Knowing you weren't, but feeling like a liar. Wondering if any of it was real. Knowing it was so real.

Remember the tears and the trying again. Things never feeling quite right because there was too much left unsaid on one end and too much said on the other.

Remember when this person told you that you weren't kind. Not anymore. When they asked you what happened to you.

Remember your public tears. When you asked them why and they had no answer. When it was truly over.

Remember avoiding them at all costs. Because you were embarrassed. Because it hurt so badly. Because if your eyes locked secrets would be told.

Remember moving on. Growing up. Polite hello's and drunken good night's and the sneaking out of events and the always uncomfortable and sometimes painful "I'm so happy for you's" that come with letting go of someone you at one point saw your whole life with.

Remember the being truly happy for them and not wanting to avoid them because bonds and memories run deep and ours have been around since forever. Learn to love them in a new way. From afar. As a friend. The way you loved them before you knew what love was. Before you knew how love could hurt.

Cut back to now and feel the tears on your cheeks. Because even though love changes, it never truly goes away. Not if it was real. Not if it was genuine.

Because you know they are broken right now. Feel your heart break all over again, for a whole new reason. Because you've been there. Right there. Because you know no one can save them. No one saved you.

Because you know how tough it is to save yourself. And because the saving yourself never really goes away. It's an every single day, sometimes you win, sometimes you try again tomorrow sort of deal.

Because there was a time where life looked so very different for us.

Because the jagged courses we run on are so full of bumps and so full of beauty that it's overwhelming and almost too much to bear.

Because it's a new year and it's hell to hear that their's is so filled with pain.

Because you can't pull yourself away from old memories. Our memories.

And because you would give anything for this person to see themselves through your eyes and know, without a doubt, how good and strong and whole they are, even when they feel so defeated.

(Let's all be good to each other in 2016. Better than we've ever been before. There isn't a single one of us who doesn't need the kindness or compassion. xo!)

Cheers! CasC
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