Four Months Off: Bucket List for Luis Suarez

Four Months Off: Bucket List for Luis Suarez
Suarez: Remember long ago, when the World cup was just about head-butting people?

As everyone around the world now knows, Luis Suarez is in hot water. The Uruguay and Liverpool FC forward, widely regarded as one of the best players in the world, was banned by FIFA from all football for four months on Thursday for biting an Italian centerback Giorgio Chellini during play. Moreover, this isn't the first time that Suarez has gotten himself in trouble for his conduct.

With the next 120 days off on suspension, Suarez has a lot of time to think about his errors. Staying positive about it, we've decided to come up up a personally scripted bucket list of things to do that will help that ban from professional soccer just fly by. So, Luis, here's what we're thinking:

Book a dentist appointment. Luis, I have to say, we're all a bit jealous of your time off. Whenever most of us try to book an appointment with a dentist, it's at least a month before we can get in. Effective immediately, you have nada to do and you shouldn't waste it and totally pass the four months off with out a good dental cleaning. More importantly, as a part of the regular checkup I bet your tooth doctor will be glad to remove whatever is left of Chellini's shoulder in your mouth.


The new Suarez World cup trading card.
(photo, artwork by Kristin Carney, @anabollocks)

Go vegetarian. It has been said that it takes 21 days of effort to break a bad habit or make a new one into a lifelong ritual. Cannibalism, and biting live creatures (humans, no less) isn't good for your health even if you improved your technique.   Plus, mid-year is a really great time to change up your diet and try lighter and healthier foods. Additionally, since you are not allowed to enter a stadium or training ground for the next third of a year, we wouldn't suggest putting on the "FIFA 15" during your official reprimand.

Read up on Freud and oral fixations.  Sigmund Freud, the great and world famous psychiatrist, once studied and wrote about how oral fixations like smoking tobacco, sucking your thumb or overeating could be detrimental to both your physical and psychological health. Biting fellow world-class soccer players is really no better and clearly your usual habits have made your work situation tenuous to say the least.

It takes a strong person to understand why he or she picks up bad habits (like biting people), and perhaps reading from the work of the best ever philosopher on human behavior could help you move forward.

Luis Suarez's "Bite Card":
2012: £40,000 fine, 8-game ban for racial abuse.
2013: 10 -game suspension for biting Branislav Ivanovic of Chelsea FC.
2014: 4-month suspension for biting Giorgio Chellini of Italy.

Take up heavy metal. Luis, you're a young man. But you have probably heard of Ozzy Osbourne. After all Ozzy is a bone fide rock n' roll legend, and not just for his music. In the early days, Ozzy got a reputation for doing strange and unexplainable things (just like you, actually), though some of these were just rumors. Blowing up a cow on stage during a concert, and biting the head offof  a bat didn't really happen; Ozzy didn't do that. But Ozzy did softly bite the head of a dove once.

Anyhow, pop music is pretty lame these days and as music goes it doesn't ave any bite (um, sorry). Heavy metal music is again on the rise. With bands popping up everywhere from England to Arkansas, there are a lot of road acts and new albums to check out. What you got going for you (yes, the biting thing, again) is pretty rock n' roll. Why not learn bass guitar or cowbell or something, grow out that hair, and suit up with your favorite hardcore band for the world tour. With any luck you'll be opening for Andrew WK or Ozzy in no time.


Leave a comment