This morning started for as any other day in America. Or, so I thought.
En route to work, I boarded the train, doing what I always do. I thought, "Lord, it's great to be an American." And then, I pulled the battery out of my Canadian-manufactured, cell phoned-shaped hunk of shit called a BlackBerry, in order to reboot it and catch a glimpse of the mobile morning news.
But as we all know, morning in America is different today. The US Government shut down amidst the usual squabbling, leaving us all to wonder how the usual squabbling led to a different result.
Moreover, we're all wondering what will be different going forward since the Federal Government (at least) remains closed. The bright side is that there may be some benefits to it all.
Top 10 Best Things About the Government Shutdown
1. No junk mail today.
2. No more getting groped or felt up at airports by the TSA.
3. No more Chaucer-length renditions of "Green Eggs & Ham".
4. With American hegemony subsiding, soccer and the metric system finally get their big break.
5. Senator Max Baucus, finally off-the-clock, can wipe that shit-eating grin off his face.
6. C-SPAN, now at a total loss for programming, broadcasts a 24-hour marathon classic TV shows influenced by our three branches of government. "The Three Stooges" boosts C-SPAN's ratings to all-time highs.
With Speaker Boehner's tan fading, C. Thomas Howell might get a needed career boost. I bet he will again get the part as Mark Watson in the sequel to that awful 80s flick, "Soul Man".
7. With the Federal government shut down, local and state government will finally get the ridicule it deserves.
8. Luckily the US Government doesn't run the NHL. Hockey season is still on.
9. If you run a restaurant, government inspectors won't stop by to bug you about that "horse meat" rumor.
10. We get to see John Boehner's tan fade day-by-day.
Andy Frye writes about sports and other junk here and for various publications. Follow on Twitter at @MySportsComplex.