You have a familiar trait, one I have known all of my life. That trait is the loving, motherly tendency to constantly correct everything I say and do.
Now, I know that I owe you a debt of gratitude for all that you've done for me since my youth. I know I don't often say "thank you" enough.
You have the inclination to show up when I need you (or when you think I need you) and you do help me out. You make your loving appearance known on my BlackBerry and whenever I am using Microsoft Word. You even have the courtesy to rescue me from impropriety and career-ending errors when using corporate email.
Moreover, you help me correct recurring quirks, such as the predisposition to write "camt" instead of "can't", and you change "thier" to "their". Sometimes you give me the second option for "they're", in effect, giving me some say in the matter.
You even have taught me a little self-reliance out of the simple fact that you won't automatically change "aint" to "ain't".
I am not saying that I don't appreciate what you do for me, Auto-Correct. Actually you do a lot. But your perpetual presence in everything does get, on occasion, a little -how do I put it--overbearing. I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you crowd my space.
For example, one time I was connecting with a friend of mine while watching the World Series several months ago. I was really into the opening inning, with Tim Lincecum pitching for the Giants in Game One. I was texting my usual sports trash talk , rooting for the Rangers, when you stepped in, changing Lincecum's name in the text to "Lynchpin".
Nicely done. That was totally clever of you. Come to think of it, if you ask my friends who are Giants fans they agree with your characterization.
Thanks to you, John constantly refers to Lincecum now as "Linchpin" and Fred calls him "The Lynchpin of the National League", which just tops the fact that they won't shut up about winning the World Series.
But honestly, do you even follow baseball in the post-season? I guess you forgot your newly found baseball punditry the next day when you tried to change Lincecum to "Lineup".
Ok, so maybe I'm being harsh. You have had some really good ones; some intentional witty insight. My liberal friends totally loved it when you changed "Falwell" to "falter", and even better than that when you changed "Limbaugh" to "limburger".
But when you tried to change "my thang" to "my thong", not only were you reading into my texting actions a risqué factor that wasn't there at all, you totally shut down the one rare moment when I tried, almost successfully, to be "gangsta". Please, try not to jump the gun and be so judgmental.
But the bigger truth is, Auto-Correct, you need not try so hard. You don't need to get involved in every minuscule part of all communication in my social life, correcting everything I say.
Worse, you tend not to think before you put stuff into words. For one, trying to transliterate "homeopathic" to "homo path" was a little off the line, as was your attempt to change "yarmulke" to "yams", and doing so during Passover, no less.
And when you tried to change "Rastafarian" to "pasta fare" it just sounded like cultural insensitivity and a big law suit waiting to happen. Yes, I know that you're not familiar with Rastafarians. Why should you be? You've never been to Jamaica, have you?
After all, you make mistakes too.
Above, I split one of my infinitives. I said you have a tendency "to constantly correct me" when both of us know damn well that the proper way to have said it would have been to say "to correct me constantly."
However... yes, Auto-Correct, you totally missed that. Get my point now?
Andy Frye writes about sports & life, and tweets throughout the day via @MySportsComplex on Twitter. He knows how to use auto-correct, but can't get this Gotham ducking thing to work right.