If Lance Armstrong had dated Taylor Swift instead of Sheryl Crow we would all have known the truth a lot sooner. – author unknown
Taylor Swift is practically a parody of herself because of her serial dating, serial breakups and subsequent ballads mourning the latter. For fun, I decided to quantify Taylor’s breakup songs. However, my results were far from fun; they were downright disturbing: 25 breakup songs across only four albums. Taylor, Taylor, Taylor…what’s going on? The mother in me is concerned that a 22 year old has experienced this much heartbreak. And speaking of mothers, where is hers? Why isn’t Mother Swift stepping in to knock some sense into her daughter?
Since I’m concerned about the girl, I went to the trouble of analyzing the lyrics to the 25 breakup songs and categorizing them, hoping to spot a helpful trend or pattern.
Taylor is mad: 5
1. "Picture to Burn" – She wasted so much time on this guy and now…he’s just another picture to burn (particularly at issue seems to be his unwillingness to let her drive his pickup truck).
2. "White Horse" – Another day, another guy letting Taylor down. Now it’s too late for him to come around on his white horse. He can stop begging; she’s going to find someone better. Seriously!
3. "Dear John" – Widely felt to be about John Mayer, Taylor basically admits to being jacked around and putting up with it. Even her mother thinks she’s crazy (making a rare maternal appearance to comment only on her daughter’s mental health). Taylor knows that she was too young for him. We all thought it, but she wouldn’t listen!
4. "I Knew You Were Trouble" – She knew he was bad for her and she (as usual) left her common sense at home. At least her intuition seems to be kicking in. Now she just needs to learn to listen to it.
5. "We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together" – She refuses to keep going with this back and forth business. For once, she seems to have an air of indifference, and she is holding strong.
She has been cheated on: 3
6. "Should’ve Said No" – He cheated on her. He should have said no to the other tramp. Now, he’s begging and she’s crying, but it’s too late. He should have said no.
7. "You’re Not Sorry" – She is NOT going to let herself get hurt anymore (well, we’ll see), so even though he’s apologizing, he’s not REALLY sorry. Deal breaker.
8. "Better Than Revenge" – Yet another cheater who blindsided her. In this case she hears that the new gal has it going on in the bedroom, which doesn’t seem like the kind of thing you’d want to publicize. He left you for a slut? Have some dignity, Taylor.
And blindsided: 2
9. "A Perfectly Good Heart" – She is definitely not over this guy, and sadly she loved him more than he loved her (never good). Still, she never expected that he would walk away!
10. "Last Kiss" – This song is downright depressing (as they all are in their own way). How could he tell her he loved her and STILL LEAVE? Now she’s sitting around in his clothes wishing he would come back. Ugh.
He is with the wrong girl: 3
11. "You Belong With Me" – Alas, Taylor’s ex has moved on, and she seems not to have done the same. She can only point out all the ways she’s better than the new gal. Too late, Taylor!
12. "Speak Now" – Again Taylor is pointing out that she is better than the new chick- and now she has resorted to wedding crashing.
13. "The Last Time" – She wants to know why he keeps breaking her heart, and she wants him to PLEASE put her name at the top of his list. Begging is unbecoming, Taylor.
The accidental breakup: 3
14. "Breathe" – In a strange twist, Taylor may have been the one who decided to end things here (she never wants to see him hurt). Unfortunately, she can’t really breathe without him. Seems like a simple solution: they both want the same thing. There must be more to the story than she’s telling us.
15. "Back to December" – Taylor ended things, but now she’s regretting it. Unfortunately, she may have burned her bridges with her man when she dumped him. She wants a do-over so she can do it right (although in other songs she doesn’t seem willing to give the guy another chance. Huh).
16. "I Almost Do" – Taylor is of the belief that her ex is sitting quietly in a chair pining for her, all while she is resisting the urge to call him. It’s not clear what the issue is if they both still want to be together.
She’s moved on, but she still misses the old guy: 4
17. "The Way I Loved You" – This song takes a turn because she is with another guy (meaning it has been at least a few days since the breakup). The problem is that he’s perfect on paper, but she just can’t stop thinking about the last guy. She even misses the screaming and fighting (which means she must have been happy with the One Direction dude, according to Us Weekly).
18. "The Story of Us" – What happened? They were the perfect couple, and now they can hardly be in the same room without having a meltdown (speaking for her anyway- he seems a bit more stable). This seems like another mistaken breakup, at least from her perspective.
19. "Haunted" – She tried to hold this guy, but he left her anyway. Now she still thinks about him even when she’s with someone else (note to Taylor: this means you’re jumping into new relationships too quickly. Seriously.).
20. "Begin Again" – She has met someone new and he seems great. So why is she comparing him to the old guy?
General(ly depressing): 5
21. "Forever & Always" – I think in this song the relationship may be over, but Taylor may not have gotten the memo. There is a lot of talk about waiting by the phone and not hearing from him. Seems like a bad sign…
22. "Red" – Loving him was red, losing him was blue. She has morphed into colors to explain her heartbreak.
23. "All Too Well" – She’s remembering the good times, even though she knows the magic is gone.
24. "Holy Ground" – She is remembering all the good times they had together and how perfect they were. She sees his face in every crowd. Unclear what the problem was.
25. "Sad, Beautiful, Tragic" – Their love was those three adjectives. The end.
Admittedly I was starting to lose patience with this exercise toward the end as it involved more songs than I was expecting and I experienced a lot of redundancy in the themes. Still, I want to do right by Taylor. What can we learn from all this? Mostly that she is much more prolific in post breakup mode than she is when she’s in love, apparently.
My advice for Taylor: stop dating. Seriously. Like ever. And get some therapy to find out why you keep repeating this same pattern- I'm not kidding. Now back to worrying about my own kids.
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Filed under: Parenting