John Mayer and Katy Perry: Why It Didn't Work

John Mayer and Katy Perry: Why It Didn't Work
It's hard to imagine why they didn't work; they look so similar.

The internet damn near exploded over the news of the John Mayer/Katy Perry pairing.  It was written in the stars!  But before the tabloids could even wrap their heads around the eventual nuptials, poof!  It was over.

Katy is reported to be “devastated” by the end of the (3 week) relationship, but the signs were all there.  This coupling was never meant to be.  One need look no further than the titles of their respective songs to realize that they were doomed from the start.  Although I am NOT a licensed therapist, I still decided to prove my point by providing some examples of what I mean.  Please consider the following dueling song titles, and you will also see clearly.

1. “If I Ever Get Around to Living” (Mayer) and “I’m Still Breathing” (Perry) – It doesn’t get more basic than this set.  I’m picturing John slumping around his house with unwashed dishes in his sink, slowing inching closer to a cameo on “Hoarders.”  Katy, on the other hand, is fairly shouting from the mountaintops: She’s alive!  She’s vibrant!  The sky is blue and her hair is pink!  SHE IS STILL BREATHING!!!!!!!

2. “Queen of California” (Mayer) and “California Gurls” (Perry) – This was a near hit, both singing about females in the same state.  Katy, however, went and ruined it by misspelling her very own gender (notwithstanding her song title “One of the Boys,” which I don’t believe was literal).  Mayer has demonstrated that he’s a stickler for grammar, as evidenced by his song “Love is a Verb,” so this turned out to be a deal breaker.

3. “Vultures” (Mayer) and “Peacock” (Perry) – I was unaware before conducting this study that both John and Katy had an interest in the aviary field, which seems like it would have given them some common ground.  Upon closer inspection, however, they could not be farther apart.  John has chosen one of the ugliest specimen to sing about, one that preys on roadkill.  Conversely, Katy has selected a proud, beautiful and flamboyant creature, one that reflects her desire to be noticed.  I don’t think the vulture and the peacock are even the same species.

4. “St. Patrick’s Day” (Mayer) and “Firework” (Perry) – The disconnect between the holidays these two have celebrated in song is further proof of their disparity.  While John prefers beer swilling and all things green, Katy chooses family cookouts, parades with equal parts fire trucks and politicians, and capping it all off pyrotechnics, per the song title.  I don’t even want to think about how far apart they are on something like Columbus Day.

5. “Come Back to Bed” (Mayer) and “Wide Awake” (Perry) – I’m picturing John with morning breath, little sleepy bits in his eyes and his favorite flannel jammies on, whining in an Al Bundy type voice for his sweetheart to come back to bed.  Katy, on the other hand, is fairly bouncing around the room, rinsing her night cream and taking out her curlers with a spring in her step because she’s so excited for a new day.

6. “Your Body is a Wonderland” (Mayer) and “Dressin’ Up” (Perry) – John’s song is a celebration of the female anatomy, and dare I say he is imagining that anatomy unclothed.  One look at Ms. Perry, however, and you just know that girl is always looking down the road at the next outrageous get-up.  You can hardly call what she wears clothes; they’re costumes.

7. “My Stupid Mouth” (Mayer) and “UR So Gay” (Perry) – There is some agreement apparently between our ex-lovebirds on this one: they’re both criticizing poor John.  The difference, however, (and here is where I put on my faux therapist’s hat) is that John is accepting responsibility for his words, whatever they were, while Katy is reverting to schoolyard taunting.  If Katy has resorted to this type of childish behavior in her songs, I don’t think a grown-up disagreement between them would have ended well.

And there you have it, clear as mud.  I can only imagine how challenging it must be for two artists to form a successful union, and I wish all of them the best.  I think it’s obvious from this analysis, however, that given the glaring differences between them it’s fortunate the relationship didn’t last longer than it did.  My best to them both for happier relationships in the future!

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