Some Fun Stalker Songs (with a side of restraining order)

Some Fun Stalker Songs (with a side of restraining order)

While doing errands recently, “I Will Possess Your Heart” by Death Cab for Cutie came on the radio.  I like the song because it’s just a good song.  However, it also happens to be a borderline creepy stalker song.  It got me thinking that there are a number of such songs out there.  Seriously, if you sent the lyrics to some of these songs to a love interest, you’d be served with a restraining order in no time flat.

I perused my iTunes library to see how many fun stalker songs I could find.  Lots were just downright depressing, so I left those off (Please love me!  You have to love me!), but here are a few that made the cut, accompanied by representative lyrics within.  Enjoy!

  •  “I Will Possess Your Heart” – Death Cab for Cutie.  The song that started it all!  Favorite lines: “You gotta spend some time with me, and I know that you’ll find love.  I will possess your heart.”  That’s it, it’s just going to take a little more getting-to-know-you time and then we’ll be all set!
  • “The Old Apartment” – Barenaked Ladies.  Any song that begins with the lyrics “broke into the old apartment” is off to a bad start- forced entry is usually frowned upon.  Favorite lines: “Why did they pave the lawn? Why did they change the locks? Why did I have to break in, I only came here to talk.”  Dude, lots of signals screaming that it’s not happening.
  • “Every Breath You Take” – The Police.  Part of the creepiness of this song is in how calmly Sting sings about his stalkerish-ness.  He has all the bases covered: “Every move you make, every vow you break, every smile you fake, every claim you stake, I’ll be watching you.”  That just about covers what I do in a normal day.  Yikes!
  • “One Way or Another” – Blondie.  Debbie Harry shows some admirable determination in this song: “One way or another, I’m gonna find/win/see/lose/trick ya.”  Go Debbie, don’t give up!
  •  “I Can’t Make you Love Me” – Bonnie Raitt.  Well, Bonnie could take a note from Blondie in this song because she’s already thrown in the towel.  Sample: “I’ll close my eyes, then I won’t see the love you don’t feel when you’re holding me.”  On second thought, this song is the opposite of a stalker song.  Bonnie, at least try a little!
  • “Before He Cheats” – Carrie Underwood.  This song contains stalking with a twist of revenge.  What better way to make your ex realize how badly he’s messed up than by vandalizing his car?  “I took a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slashed a hole in all four tires…”  Wow, I'm sure he’s regretting his decision to cheat on you now, Carrie!
  • “Are You Alright?” – Lucinda Williams.  Ugh, Lucinda is the worst kind of jilted lover: the one who pretends not to understand.  “Are you alright? I looked around me and you were gone.  Are you alright? I feel like there must be something wrong.”  Lucinda, I’ve got news for you.  He’s fine, you’ve been dumped.
  • “Why Didn’t You Call Me?” – Macy Gray.  Macy is a tinge whiny in this song, which (warning) is sometimes a bit of a turnoff.  “We had such a good time.  Hey! Why didn’t you call me? I thought I’d see you again.”  I’m going to recommend that Macy pick up the book “He’s Just Not That Into You.”
  • “Stuck Like Glue” – Sugarland.  This fun song almost had me fooled until I watched the lighthearted stalker video that goes with it (below), complete with kidnapping.  Enjoy!

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