American Music Awards: (Semi) Live Updates

9:52 - The evening wraps with LMFAO doing Party Rock Anthem so the crowd can party down.  The audience is wearing 3-D glasses.  Um, aren't they really there, so why would they need 3-D glasses?  Too tired to ponder.  Night night!  Wait, wake up!  David Hasselhoff is on stage with them?  Okay, now I'm really done. 

9:49 - Vanessa Lachay and Lionel Richie announce the Artist of the Year: Taylor Swift.  How does she keep acting so surprised?  Okay, worst acceptance speech ever.  She is spewing random dribble.

9:44 - Jenny announces the award for Favorite Pop/Rock Album: Adele/21.  Adele is still recovering from her vocal chord surgery (sad face emoticon), so she is not present to accept her award.  

9:39 - Jenny McCarthy appears to plug New Year's Rocking Eve (seriously?) and to introduce J-Lo (again), Will.i.am and (remotely) Mick Jagger.  Holy shizzle this show is long.  I can't even explain the weird glow-in-the-dark performance by J and Will- bizarro.  I'm getting too tired to find it entertaining.  If I was more lucid I might be more impressed by the spectacle, but it's been a long day.  Since Mick is singing overseas, his mouth isn't quite in sync with the words.  Oopsie!

9:33 - Favorite Country Album: Taylor Swift/Speak Now.  Yawn.  On a non-music related note, I like her hair straight tonight. 

9:28 - Gavin DeGraw introduces Daughtry's performance.  He looks an awful lot like PitBull if you ask me (no one did).  Okay, I'm not trying to be mean because I'm really glad these performers are not lip syncing, but wow do they sound off key.  How is that possible that they're so far off their cleaned up versions of these songs?

9:19 - I'm getting sick of television actors presenting just to promote their shows, so I'm not going to talk about who they are anymore.  Favorite Pop/Rock Male Artist: Bruno Mars.  Well, he's not my favorite, but I didn't vote, so I can't complain.

9:15 - John Legend (swoon!) announces performer #47: Drake.  I know he's a rapper and they don't really sing, but he does not have a good voice, seriously. 

9:05 - Adam Levine then wanders over to perform his hit with Gym Class Heroes.  He is (ahem) very obviously singing live.  These two songs consecutively performed seems to be taxing him. 

9:01 - Bruno Mars introduces the performance of Maroon 5 and Christina Aguilera singing (obviously) "Moves Like Jagger".  Cool song, albeit on the verge of being overplayed.  Adam Levine tastefully refrains from using using the swear word.  Phew.  It seems like he's singing a little slower than the radio version- it's bugging me.  Now, here is Christina, absolutely stuffed into her dress and on the verge of a major wardrobe malfunction.  One can only hope!

8:53 - Robin Thicke and Ellie Goulding (pronounced Golding, as she established) announce the award for Favorite Soul/R&B Female Artist: Beyonce.  Because she's pregnant she can't fly to accept her award?  That's what they're saying.  Beyonce herself acknowledged that she's in New York promoting something, which is the real reason she's not in attendance. 

8:49 - Alanis Morissette (whoa, flashback) introduced the next performer, Mary J. Blige.  Mary has a new album out this week, which she has been tweeting about incessantly.  I'm seriously about to unfollow her on Twitter except that I adore her music.  She gives a short tribute at end to Heavy D, who died last week.

8:46 - Favorite Latin Artist - Jennifer Lopez.  Obviously you don't have to actually be from Latin America to win this we all know she's Jenny from the block.  She can't believe it!  She's all choked up!  Holy cow, she is really rambling on.  She does give a little Spanish shout-out at the end to prove the award is legit.

8:38 - Joe Jonas comes out, newly emancipated from his other Jo Bros.  He announces the Sprint Best New Artist: Hot Chelle Ray.   

8:30 - Heidi Klum appears in a dress made from Reynold's Wrap to introduce performer Katy Perry.  But first, a montage of all Katy's #1 hits in case you live in a cave and haven't heard them to death already.  Wait, she is playing guitar and wearing a Judy Jetson type pink dress- this is unexpected.  She's singing with such emotion!  Really?  We're supposed to take her songs as serious ballads?  They' re fun and lightweight- just go with it, please.  Between all the commercials and this song, I'm starting to get sleepy, and I think we're only halfway through.  Yikes!  Okay, a standing ovation for Katy?  Come. On.  Heidi has something very special for her, and she tries to act surprised.  She gets an award for having five #1 songs from one album, first time ever for a woman, I guess.  Well, you have give her some credit for that.

8:21 - Benjamin Bratt comes out to announce the next performers: Marc Anthony, Lil John and PitBull.  Wait, wasn't PitBull just onstage with J-Lo?  How awkward!  Will he have to choose sides in the divorce?  I'm not real clear on why Marc Anthony would be performing anyway.

8:17 - Taylor Swift (again) comes to to announce the award for Favorite Rap/Hip Hop Album: Nicki Minaj/Pink Friday.  I have to admit, it is a great album, although I like the Jay Z/Kanye album (Watch the Throne) a smidge better.  Wait ten more minutes for Nicki to get back to the mic.  This is going to slow the show down if she keeps winning because she is slow in this get-up.  She thanks God again, and this time Lil Wayne, and somehow she also manages to plug her mom's new gospel album. 

8:12 - Adam Lambert appears to announce the next performer, OneRepublic, to sing their ubiquitous hit "Good Life".  Okay, not to be all Randy, but they sound a little pitchy, Dawg.  Well, props for singing live anyway and not lip "singing" as my kids like to say.

8:04 - Nickelback introduces the award for Favorite Country Band/Duo/Group: Lady Antebellum.  I started typing that before it was announced- no surprise. They pitch their tour during their acceptance speech.  Should you really have to do that if you've just been awarded a "Favorite" award?

7:58 - "International Superstar" Jennifer Lopez is announced as the next performer.  Really?  Are the rest of these performers only popular in this country?  A bit of excitement when her rather demure costume is yanked off and she sexes up the performance a bit.  Okay, even more clothes just came off.  Now she's simploy in a bedazzled bikini, flanked by dancers on furry stilts.  Did I accidentally take acid before I watched this or is this really the performance?  So odd.  Obviously she's enjoying not being edited by Marc Anthony anymore.

7:47 - Performance by Enrique Iglesias.  I've learned from having four kids who take/have taken Spanish that he is used an educational tool by Spanish teachers everywhere, so that's how I always think of him now.  He's singing in English tonight, though.  He is soon joined by Ludacris.  What a natural match!  Kind of a fun performance actually, albeit heavy on the laser lights.

7:45 - Selena Gomez and Taio Cruz announce the award for Favorite Soul/R&B Album: Rihanna/Loud.  Unfortunately, she's way too busy touring, but luckily she pre-recorded her acceptance.  What a relief!

7:36 - Two t.v. people who are on a new show announce our next performer, Kelly Clarkson.  Kind of a weird newspaper theme to her performance with lots of headlines in the background.

7:33 - Jennifer Hudson announces Favorite Rap/Hip Hop Artist: Nicki Minaj.  She beat out Kanye, who may or may not appear on stage to throw a fit.  Nicki is having trouble walking in her huge skirt and giant heels (and pink wig).  For some reason she thanks Taylor Swift and God.  Whaaaat?

7:29 - Fifty Cent introduces Chris Brown.  Wow, lots of performances.  Does anyone look at Chris Brown and not thinking about him beating on Rihanna?  I think he's stuck with that image.  I don't care how sincere he seems with his emotional song.

7:20 - This morphs right into a performance by The Band Perry. 

7:16 - Sean Kingston announces our next performer, his bestie Justin Bieber performing his "hit" Christmas song, just in time for Thanksgiving- yay!  Biebs is looking a little Neil Diamond in his white jumpsuit.

7:14 - Hot Chelle Ray announce the awared for Favorite Country Female Artist: Taylor Swift.  Is this how the evening is going to go?  When I didn't realize this show was already on, I was watching her on Sixty Minutes.  She's everywhere!

7:06 - Queen Latifah kicks things off quickly with the award for Favorite Pop Rock Band, Duo or Group: Maroon 5.  Forgettable speech.

7:00 - Opening number between David Guetta and Nicki Minaj, a very space age spectacle of speakers, including Nicki's costume which has speakers coming off the her hind quarters and already protruding areas of her front side.

Damn, thought this started at 8- I'm getting a bit of a late start but will make up for it during commercials.

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