Job title: Hero
Qualifications: Current office-holder in U.S. House or Senate, or President of U.S.
Skill set: Conflict resolution, creative negotiation, self-preservation
Personal characteristics: Courage, intelligence, desire to keep job (if President, desire to be remembered as the guy who didn’t let us go over the cliff), plus willingness to come back from vacation early. Also, ability to suck it up and do what you are supposed to do – run the country responsibly.
Responsibilities: Give a little, get a little, like the rest of us do all day long, all year long. Sit in a room with folks who disagree with you and come to a solution anyway, ideally with no cameras present, and no reporters waiting at the door for the next inflammatory sound bite. (A special diversion will have to be provided for them – perhaps Jessica Simpson’s recently announced pregnancy.)
Objective: Prevent next economic recession, keep money in the pockets of the populace, design a government that can run without suicidal jumping off cliffs
Experience: Breaking up self-serving and testosterone-infused deadlocks, operating for the good of the country rather than out of fear of the radical fringe wingnuts who somehow got control of the political process around here
Equipment needed: Noise-cancelling headphones to drown out the cries of the extremer members of both political parties, and allow in the soothing sounds of normal contented citizens saying things like, “Nice going for once,” “Very good – you just did what we teach our three year olds to do – cooperate. We are very proud of you.” Also, superhero cape provided.
Renumeration: Anything you want, seriously. Plus a lot of press if you pull it off.
Please apply immediately.