If something doesn't make you feel good, stop fucking doing it

A close friend recently told me that she missed my words, that they made her feel good. She asked me why I stopped writing. I told her that I didn't stop writing. I stopped sharing, because sharing stopped making me feel good. The reasons are complicated, but the decision to stop sharing was simple, compassionate, logical. I alleviated my suffering. I didn't cause anyone else to suffer with my decision, but my friend's words made me realize that the decision to stop sharing, although it had the desired outcome at the time, is no longer a compassionate or simple choice.

At some time in all of our lives, we use the written word to communicate. For some, writing is an enthusiastic choice, a person honoring a passionate interest. For others, writing is simply a necessity or a means to an end. Whatever the purpose, I believe that the intent is what drives not just the words, but also the decision about how to share the words and who to share them with. What anyone who has written words has in common is this - once we write and read and share our words, we immediately know whether or not writing feels good, whether writing is a part of who we are.

Most people don't integrate their writing into their sense of self because the process of learning to write is actually a barrier to getting the kind of outcome that would give the process the meaning and purpose that gives our identity a shape. Learning to write is a process that has, at the beginning, a mostly shitty outcome.

Because of the rules. Fucking rules.Remember all those confusing rules? Commas, adverbs, words that are spelled different than they sound, paragraphs, etc. Red pen slashing though all your fuck ups and so often no acknowledgement of the intent or underlying message. Unsatisfying. Invalidating. Bad feelings.

FUCK YOU, RULES, YOU SUFFOCATING CUNTS!

The process and outcome was a barrier for me until it wasn't. One day, I stopped playing by the rules and just fucking wrote. I JUST WROTE WORDS AND SHARED WORDS. I created my own process and decided what the desired outcome would be. The process felt like riding a hybrid kitten/dragon that shit banana chips, urinated white wine. The outcome was felt like a party on a rainbow where everyone gave killer hugs and spoke the language of love.

Most of the people who read my words gave no fucks about commas and grammar and dangling participles or any other process focused stuff. Writing became an important part of my life, something I did to continue to define and refine my identity. I was in a loop of kitten/dragon/rainbow/hug goodness. My blog and blather led to a book deal. It felt good to write and share and then it didn't feel good to share so I stopped. It was that simple. Stopping the sharing, not writing. I've been writing this whole time. I couldn't stop that if I tried. I need to write.

I am glad that I made a compassionate choice to disconnect from others so that I could connect with myself. As fate would have it, there would be no room for calm, collaboration, or connection anyway for a few years. Even when I did want to start sharing again, making time to do so didn't feel good because I was feeling pretty damn bad. I had come down with a fierce case of impostor syndrome and my personal life was a shit show filled with events that one usually files under, "You have GOT to be making this shit up or you were a horrible dick in a past life because nobody gets hit this hard with tragedy and sadness and fuckery. NOBODY."

Things are better now. I feel good. I have always felt good about writing. The process is still the same. What has changed is that my desired outcome for this process includes sharing again. For now. I feel good about sharing my words with you today. I'm going to keep doing it. I think I know how to keep it good this time.

I guess what I'm trying to say with all these words is that I hope that those of you who loved my words because they made you feel good will know that I want you to feel good, so if you don't and you know why you don't feel good and it's something you are doing, well, you should stop fucking doing it. Okay?

It's good to be back. Please enjoy this photo of me and a monkey.

This is as decorative as I'm going to get.

This is as decorative as I'm going to get.

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