Mind your manners and stroke your wiener

Mind your manners and stroke your wiener
A boy and his wiener

My father cussed a blue streak and loved a good dirty joke, but damn, he was a stickler for table manners. He tried to teach and role model rules and respect, however, we still had fun at mealtime because when we were at home, we were our real selves. And so, because I am the now the parent who is in charge of teaching my two energetic kids what is right and polite, I try to do so while still making mealtime relaxed and awesome. I'm sure my dad was spinning in his grave this morning though, but in my defense, I inherited his potty mouth and twisted sense of humor.

This morning, fun turned into foul, fast!

Is it okay to be flexible about the formal? Is foul ever funny? Some would say NO. I say YES!


Prooooooobably not as flexible as I was this morning, but who knows. Maybe you are. God, I hope someone is. It can't just be me that's this fucked up...

My son was sitting at the table waiting for me to finish cooking bacon. He had our wiener dog on his lap. I'm not flexible about having dogs at the table, so I said, "Hey, get the wiener off the table!"

"But I'm running late and this is the only time today I'll have time to snuggle and stroke my wiener." Him. Funny or foul?

I decided that both were acceptable.

"Fine. But stroke him so his wiry wiener hair doesn't land on the table." Flexible Me

Hmm...stroking his wiener. At the table. Wiry wiener hair. We started laughing. Foul us.

"Gross. You are talking with your mouth full." Him

"Gross. Your wiener is climbing on the table!" Me

I was standing up at the counter, shoving bacon in my gob, and yes, I was talking with my mouth full, but in my defense, it's my job to teach him manners and he had his wiener on the table AND WE WERE BEING FLEXIBLE! Sheesh...

"Get the wiener off the table! GROSS!" Me

"Stop spitting all over the bacon! GROSSER!" Him

"Seriously, stop stroking your wiener at the table. Nobody likes wiener hair in their food!" Me

"Nobody wants spit all over their bacon either." Him

Now we were crying. It was foulest, funniest and most flexible conversation I had ever had at the table. EVER.

Until I choked on the bacon and had to do a mini-heimlich maneuver on myself.

I am okay. Thank you for asking.

Anyhooo... sometimes bad manners = good fun, and I'm flexible enough to tolerate the occasional foul and forget about the formal any day if it means I can have that much fun with my son. He's old enough now to know that this morning's antics aren't generalizable. My son is well-mannered, considerate and polite. He's growing up to be such a decent and emotionally intelligent and flexible human being. He would never stroke his wiener at your table or in a restaurant. I, on the other hand, might get excited and talk with my mouth full while cooking your bacon, so you probably don't want to eat bacon at my house or hang out here at all during mealtimes if you can't be flexible enough to forget to mind your manners.


Leave a comment