Are you wondering if you should April Fools prank your crumb snatchers today? Are you worried that you will damage their fragile psyches?
Do it and don’t worry about it!
There are way worse things you can do to screw up kids and you will probably do a lot of them by mistake, so why not prank them on purpose? Pranks don't have to be cruel or scary. Teach your kids how to have fun and take a joke! Tolerating a bit of discomfort is good for them, so start ‘em young! It’s one day of the year you can screw up big and have a good excuse for your dumbfuckery, because pranking them is actually teaching them some important skills and lessons they will use in the future!
I’m telling you right now that you need to prank them. Trust me, okay? Please! I am a professional and I have personal experience with this shit! If you don't, you are going to end up having to play The Circle Game with them.
DO YOU WANT THAT?
TRUST ME, YOU DON’T.
The Circle Game is something only idiots and parents who didn’t prank their kids have to play, and just to clarify, The Circle Game is nothing like a Circle Jerk so if you were worried that I was going to blog about group fapping - fear not! Even I wouldn’t write about that. Well, that’s not true. I might. I just haven’t thought about it until right now, so I’m not making any promises about the future. Just know that this particular blog isn’t about that.
It’s about something worse – The Circle Game.
Playing The Circle Game is worse than pranking your kids, you ask? Isn’t it just a game? I’m afraid not. You think I’d be playing The Circle Game with my kids if I didn’t have to? Hella no! I do it for their safety and well being! I’ll explain.
Players make the A-Okay hand sign, like this…
It’s called “throwing the circle.” The circle must be below the waist. The circle can “float,” meaning that it’s not ON the body. Players attempt to trick other players into looking at the circle.
“Goddammit, I spilled my drink!” Swearing optional. Spilling also optional.
Fake spilling works every single time! You can also try…
“Ewww…what’s THAT?” make a sour face and look down.
“Be careful! Don’t trip…” and point to nothing on the floor.
“I’ll buy this round, here’s $20…” pretend to reach into your pocket.
“Oh my GOD I just broke my penis/vagina!” scream and grab at your genitals.
I fell for that last one.
Anyhoo…if you look down at the circle - you get punched in the upper arm between the shoulder and the elbow! After you get punched, you have to brush off the punch otherwise you get another punch.
The game has lots of rules and variations, but those are the basics. It’s idiotic. The Circle Game is a never-ending April Fools Day prank. I love it because it requires some creativity, focus and restraint, and obviously, because I am an idiot. I hate it because it requires hyper-vigilance and certain level of physical aggression, which is totally negotiable, but still hitting, and hitting isn't a very nice thing to do, even if it's sort of fun.
The Circle Game is the ultimate metaphor for life, and I do so love metaphors!
Last week, we decided to go to Noodles for lunch after the kid’s dentist appointment. The line was hella long, so my husband and I decided to throw circles. I know you are thinking that we are the worst parents ever, but innocent little pranks and jokes prepare your kid for future real life tomfoolery and asshattery, and since we didn’t do that when the kids were small, we got ourselves a couple of vulnerable softies!
Soft I say!
Ugh, and both of them were acting flaky and hyper, and holy shit were they cocky about having no cavities, despite being shitty tooth brushers! We had to get them calm, focused and take those little egos down a peg…
“Ewwww…That lady has a shart spot on her butt!”
CIRCLE! PUNCH! BRUSH OFF!
“Look! Someone dropped $10!”
CIRCLE! No punch!
“My shoes are too small…”
CIRCLE! PUNCH! BRUSH OFF!
“That baby just dropped her binky on the floor.”
CIRCLE! PUNCH! BRUSH OFF!
“Awww…a seeing eye dog!”
CIRCLE! Nobody fell for that one.
Circles were being thrown, ignored, poked and looked at. Punches were being tossed and brushed off. Some of the other customers started, glared and made a few obvious gestures of disapproval.
Ok, not some, most.
Pfffth….whatever! We don’t care what others think!
But I was starting to care that I was taking instead of giving hits, you know, because usually I’m the trickiest circle floater this side of the mighty Mississippi and nobody was falling for my throws. I fell for the too small shoes trick the week before. Maybe I was the soft one?
I pretended to ignore my family and read the menu for a bit until I could think of an epic floater! I failed Aprils Fools for years, I wasn’t going to be a circle floating failure! My kids deserved better!
“UGH! Charley Horse!” I bellowed, pretending to reach down to soothe a cramp.
Ok, here you go...
I went for the closest target, which was my son. Just before I made contact, he moved his arm and took a knuckle to the diaphragm.
He dropped to the floor. BOOM! Like a rock! Well played, faker. I started laughing.
Uh oh… no brush off? He wasn’t faking. NOBODY blows off the brush off!
I can’t even…
I’m telling you this story for one reason. One very important reason!
You might be mulling over whether or not you should pull a prank or two on your crotchfruit today for April Fools. The answer is YES!
Learn from me! Prank those little shits! Prank ‘em right good! Start small and work up to the good stuff that involves a glue gun and underpants. I wish I had done this from the get go. If I had, I would have felt comfortable enough with the strength of my kid’s bullshit radar to play a quiet game of I Spy with them, but dammit, they just aren’t ready for that yet! They are too soft, as evidenced by my son’s inability to take a knuckle to the upper gut and remain upright in a public place.
I was too scared to prank my kids, too worried they would be pissed, or that I’d screw it up and I’d end up feeling like a jackass. Little did I know that drawing a mustache on their faces while they were sleeping or taping a “kick me” sign on their back would be so much less damaging in the long run. I never dreamed that my benign neglect of April Fools Day pranks would result in them having to play The Circle Game in order to thicken their shenanigans skins!
Learn from my mistake!
If your kids grow up knowing they need to stay alert, they won’t ever end up on the floor of Noodles.
You are welcome.
P.S. Ketchup is a Vegetable – And Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves by Robin O’Bryant is available today! This has nothing to do with pranks or The Circle Game. I’m just excited because this is a good fucking book* written by a good person** and parent. Buy it.***
*The chapters titled Wal-Mart, Porn and The F.B.I. and Road Trip should not be read while eating, drinking or with a full bladder.
**Despite that porn incident, which was a total misunderstanding…
***NOT a sponsored post. Love this generous, talented author and want to share!
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