I need to save more money, but saving money is hard when there’s not a lot of extra coming in, and everything that is coming in, is, for the most part, going right back out. You know what I’m saying? Of course you do, because who the fuck doesn’t, aside from the people who don’t know, but what I do know, is that most people who don’t need more money don’t read my blog, you know, because if they did, I think I’d know, because they would be sending me money (hint-hint).
So…like I said, I’m trying to save extra money and that is because I want to take my family on a little vacation. I know. You are like, “What the mother of ten tons of fucks, Nikki? A vacation? You bitch!"
I know, but please, wait a goddamn minute, okay? Hear me out.
I’m not talking about taking the family to fucking Spain, or even getting on a plane at all! I’m not talking about Disney or anything that would run over a thousand buckaroos, because we just aren’t in the “I can afford to drop a few grand on a trip” tax bracket. We are in the “Maybe we can scrape up enough to have a few nights at Wisconsin Dells” tax bracket. So what am I doing to scrape up enough money for a little getaway?
Why how sweet of you to ask!
I’ve been making some smarter choices when grocery shopping and clipping more coupons and whatnot. I brought some clothes and books to consignment and sold a few things that were hanging out in our basement and garage on Craigslist (Dear God, what a nightmare…), and that’s been helpful in getting my little vacation nest egg started, but I know I need to do more and I’m not talking about polishing nobs at truck stops for Jackson’s, because although that would be easy money, I don’t think my husband would dig it, and even so, I wouldn’t dig it, you know?
I decided to do some research on saving money and entered the phrase “Bitch needs to save a buck” into the Google search.
You know, because you can find anything you need to know on Google, and everything is true and you should always believe everything you read. Snicker. But seriously, I did the lyrics for Little Wayne’s The Sky’s the Limit, and that was pretty rad. So I typed in “Money saving tips."
I should have done that first, as I already know all the words to that damn Little Wayne song, and I can't get those 30 seconds back and that's 30 seconds where I wasn't saving any fucking money, you know? The good news is that I found some groovy tips. Mostly from mom bloggers. Go figure.
Anyhoo...I realized I was already doing most of this stuff – keep change don’t buy shit you don’t need (I’m talking to YOU Starbucks, you delicious bitch!), stick to your budget, clip coupons, eat meals at home, cut costs where you can…
Wait; am I doing that last thing? Am I really cutting all the costs I possibly can?
Yeah, I was, aside from this little thing I read about unplugging all appliances that aren’t being used – especially the energy suckers in rooms that nobody ever goes into. List of things to unplug: Desktop, laptop, coffee maker, vibrator, phone chargers, toasters, stereos, cable tee vee boxes, chargers for iPods and whatnot, gaming consoles, electric toothbrushes, blow dryers, nipple clamp chargers…
The tip reassured me that unplugging was going to make a difference, and since every little bit helps, I was all over this shit, yo! I mean, shit motherfucker, if I learn to save a couple of Jacksons a month, I will never HAVE to polish knobs at the truck stop, no matter what happens in life, right?
So I unplugged shit.
And my family plugged shit back in.
And they complained.
And I unplugged shit. Again.
And they plugged shit back in. Again.
And they complained. Again.
“I hate walking into a dark room.”
“I’m tripping all over stuff.”
“This is so inconvenient!”
“Harrumph! I have to bend OVER and plug this in, again?”
“Oh great, now I have to wait for the fucking coffee maker to warm up.”
On and on and on.
So I said, “Fine you fuckers, if you don’t want to go on a vacation, plug in away.”
And they did.
I guess they don’t want to go on a vacation, which is fine by me, because you know, I’ve saved up enough to treat myself to a few delicious bitches at Starbucks AND a new vibrator.
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