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I wasn't in Playboy because I wasn't the whole package

1988...

J: Your your boobs are absolutely perfect. I can’t stop staring at them. Your boobs should be in Playboy. Goddamn your boobs!

Me: I know. Really, I know. They are magnificent, but I don’t have the whole package.

J: You have enough. Seriously. Perfect tits. You should get pictures taken. My God…

Me: Are you saying this because I keep saying that I’m probably going to fail out of ISU in a semester, so you are presenting it as plan B, or because you seriously think I am Playboy material?

J: It could be plan A. Your tits are unbelievable and you are a beautiful girl.

Me: My breasts are perfect, but my face is merely cute. I am too short and too muscular for Playboy. I think you just want to see my tits.

J: That’s probably true, I do want to see them. LIKE ALWAYS. But I'm not kidding, you have attitude and confidence and I can see it, really! What’s the worst that can happen? They tell you no, so what?

Me: That isn’t the worst thing that could happen. The worst thing that could happen would be if they said yes.

J: Um…what the?

Me: Imagine if they say yes, and I get my beautiful breasts in Playboy. My neighbor, who subscribes to Playboy, shows the magazine with my naked picture in it to my father as he’s watering the flowers near the driveway AND HE FUCKING EXPLODES! His arms and legs and head shoot off – KABOOM - and his head would land in the Spinney’s backyard, and it would be screaming obscenities and calling out for my mom – “Jesus Fucking Christ, Judy!” Mr. Spinney would pick up my dad’s screaming head and bring it to my mom and they would have to hold a cigarette to his mouth and give him drags off the thing while trying to figure out how to re-attach his limbs and head to his torso.

J: Yeah, I can see that happening.

I just didn't have the whole package. THIS is the whole package.

I just didn't have the whole package. THIS is the whole package.

Hellooooooo Whole Package!!

2014:

I first saw Playboy Magazine when I was nine years old, and I have been fascinated by it ever since. Talk about the whole package! Hugh Hefner was determined to create a publication that had high quality everything and he fucking did. Anyone who doesn’t know about the history and culture of Playboy should read up. Hef was a man ahead of his time, a true revolutionary and civil rights activist. I luff him. I wish I had the package, because I would have gone for it just for the chance to meet Hef and pick his brain. I would have gone for it knowing damn well that if I made it, my mom would have to roll my dad around in a wheelbarrow for the rest of his life because I'm sure it would be impossible to get all that shit re-attached.

I didn't go for it. I knew that I just didn't have the whole package! Seriously, not even close. However, I'm not ashamed to say that my tits are still pretty ah-may-zing. I probably should have tried for "Hot Jugs Weekly," or "Big, Bouncy Boobs Monthly," back when my nipples still pointed up, but no regrets. My life has turned out pretty good.

Now I’ll get to the point. I’m mixing it up here on Moms Who Drink And Swear. I want to do some interesting and different stuff, and one new stuff is interviewing interesting people just fucking because! I decided to start with a former Playboy centerfold, Candace Jordan!

I KNOW, RIGHT?

I KNOW, RIGHT?

She also happens to be a lovely and tenderhearted philanthropist, society columnist for the Chicago Tribune and blogger here on ChicagoNow. She is…CANDID CANDACE!

Candace also has a web show called Watch312 and wanted to record the interview for her show, so I said okay and took a goddamn shower and wore grown up clothes. It was a really fun day and I can’t wait to hang out with Candace again and teach her more Klingon. I think we are both saucy and amazing packages of fabulous. I hope you do too, but if you don't, you would be wrong.

From left to right: Annie from Swirlytime (my next victim), Me and Candace

From left to right: Annie from Swirlytime (my next victim), Me and Candace

And so, without further ado, here is my interview with Candace Jordan – Playboy Centerfold, December 1979, motherfuckers! Google the centerfold shot of her because OH MY GOD. I have NO idea how her dad’s head managed to stay on.

Lucky bitch.

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