I have asked people in my blogging community to help me keep Moms Who Drink And Swear kicking like Kung-FUCKING-Fu during the month of October while I take some time to attend to some personal issues. I will be blogging sporadically, but only as time permits. A girl gots to have her priorities straight don't chu know? I hope you enjoy the guest bloggers, but I beg of you, please go easy on them!
The thing is, most of these bloggers are very good at hiding their twisty fuckeduppedness, disguising themselves as regular people who write regular blogs. Unlike me, they are not considered THE pariah of their blog genre. One might consider them to be normal if normal was actually a real thing. Anyhoo... I've asked them to let their freak flag fly, because nothing less than filthy nut-sack sucking crap will do when it comes to entertaining YOU fart-faced-farty-fart-pantsers, the delightful and loyal readers of Moms Who Drink And Swear.
Here is a photo of me in 1980 on Halloween. I was dressed as a goddamn tomato. I think it looks like I shit in my tights. I can't remember if I did, but anything is possible. The 80's were a fucked up decade. I think this explains a lot, clears up some questions you might have had about me. To quote the Gaga...I was born this way.
Please enjoy the musings of Kathy Matthews, who has some advice for mother in laws and future mother in laws. If you don't want to suck as a mother in law, do not do the 10 things she suggests you don't do. If you DO want to suck, this let this blog be your guide. Kathy's blog here on Chicagonow is called Quilting! Sewing! Creating!
10 ways to not suck as a MIL
By Kathy Mathews of Quilting! Sewing! Creating!
I’ve been married twice but only have had one Mother in Law. One was enough. The good thing about her is that she showed me how I didn’t want to be as a MIL myself. The bad about her was everything else. Let me share with you how she was, then you do the opposite. Bam, you’re MIL of the year.
- Don’t be a racist. Early in our marriage we went out with my in-laws to look at Christmas lights. One house was not lit up and my MIL remarked, Look at that house. Hebes must live there. I innocently replied, “Oh, I don’t know that family.” It was not the first racial slur she used which I didn’t know. Charming.
- Don’t think you’re better than everyone else cause you have money. Her dad was a doctor, she married a man who inherited a pile o bucks. This made her too good for our town and made me definitely not worthy of joining the family. Unlike her sons, I would not jump through any hoops for her money. Money is not that important to me or I wouldn’t have been a teacher.
- Don’t discount your Daughter in law. When our daughter was born, they sent over an insurance salesman as their present was to buy an insurance policy on her life. They were the owners and their other son was the beneficiary and only my husband was allowed to sign to give permission. The insurance guy told me this, to my face.
- Don’t berate your daughter in law for working. My daughter had asthma and wouldn’t you know it, my teaching job was the reason.
- Don’t wish for only boy grandchildren. Telling my daughter to her face that you wished she was a boy, classy
- Don’t give Xerox copies of gifts. My daughters got Xerox copies of savings bonds for all holidays. Nothing says happy birthday like a Xerox copy of a present. She always nagged me to make her a quilt. Should have given her a Xerox copy of one.
- Don’t give shitty presents. One of my best gifts – napkins wrapped in newspaper, but as was pointed out to me, it was the Sunday Comics so the wrapping was colorful. My daughter got a nightlight wrapped in a Kleenex one year and I was admonished to keep the Kleenex, it was still good. I could go on but those were the best ones.
- Don’t be a mean jerk. At the funeral for our second baby, a boy, I was crying. She sneered; Kathy’s really not getting over this. I repeat, at his funeral.
- For real, don’t be a racist. We adopted a baby girl from Korea and my MIL asked, “Couldn’t you get her eyes fixed?” You’re not surprised that I kept my girls away from this woman, right?
- Don’t try to avoid paying taxes. Well, actually this was a good one. Without my knowledge, she quick deeded 3% of her house to me so when she died, we could pay less inheritance tax. Joke was on her as inheritance taxes were basically done away with and we got divorced. After our divorce, she demanded I quick deed it back to her. I eventually did, but I would only deal with her lawyer. Talk is cheap, but not when the conversation is with a lawyer, whose bill I was not paying. I signed after I received two certified checks, one payable to each girl splitting the value of that 3%. Yes, it was sweet. Very sweet.
These are just the top ten! I could go on but you get the picture. I am happily married to my second husband whose mother I never got to meet. (No Mother in law may have been part of the reason I married him.) Now go and not suck at whatever role you play in people’s lives.
YOU want to submit a post to be considered for a guest blog here on Moms Who Drink And Swear? Well, okay then. Just email a link to your blog and a general idea of what you want to write about to email@example.com.