I think the royal baby should be called Thor

The royal vagina has birthed a wee baby! I think Will and Kate should consider the name Thor. It's robust and regal and powerful.

Ah, but as usual, the haters are all, "Who cares what they name the baby?" and “What’s the big deal? Women do it every day?”  Whatever jerk wads. I, on the other hand am all "Yee Haw! A healthy baby!" and “Are you kidding you assholes? Babies are wonderful and special and should always be celebrated so shut your holes!” As a mother, I say – HIP HIP HOORAY – for the Duke and Duchess, not because they are swanky pants royals, but because being a parent rocks and as a fellow human being and parent myself, I know what’s in store for them and it’s an experience like no other! Like the POTUS said in his congratulatory message, “We wish them all the blessings and happiness parenthood brings!” That is what I wish for the new parents. I wish this for all new parents.

But now I’m just waiting for the additional asshattery of people getting back to talking more about how William is going bald. Because having a full head of hair makes someone a better father, because that shit matters. Oh, but most of all, the time and effort that will go into talking about how wonderful, or not wonderful, Kate looks after having the baby is going to make me screamy!

For God’s sake people, she spent nine months growing a human being inside her BODY, part of the time she suffered severe nausea in the form of hyperemesis gravidarum, and she is over 30. She is a woman who did a very womanly thing yet don’t cha just KNOW the media is going to hyper-focus on how fast she loses “the baby weight?”

WHY?

Well, because our society is still, unfortunately, shallow and stupid and once again ignoring how cool the miracle of childbirth actually is! It's so freaking exciting! How is it that every time a healthy babe is born to a celebrity, or regular schulb like me, jerk-loads focus on how quickly we shrink back to our “normal size” instead of celebrating the strength and dedication it takes to grow a person inside your body and the miracle that it even happens at all? It's pathetic. Oh, and please define normal, because after becoming a mother for the first time, nothing is every normal again.

Just being pregnant is a mind bogging experience. People who claim otherwise have either not experienced pregnancy or have, I’m sure, experienced something exponentially more mind boggling, like alien abduction complete with anal probing while zipping through space at the speed of light. In nine short months, the pregnant body grows and changes and makes all kinds of awesome as it grows a human being. Now that is what people should be focusing on. A healthy baby boy was born to a loving couple. He was wanted and will be well cared for (understatement of the year).

When I was pregnant with my first child, my doctor told me to toss my copy of What to Expect When You are Expecting in the trash and pick up The Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy. Best advice ever. Hate me for this, but when I became pregnant, I was a size 4 and because I was a naive newbie, I bought a few pair of size 10 jeans, thinking that would be as big as I would get. It wasn’t denial causing this raging delusion. Nope. It was lack of context and experience. I just didn’t know.

Clueless pregnant Nikki before darkness set in.

Clueless pregnant Nikki before darkness set in.

Once I laid eyes on my son for the first time, I didn’t give a rip-shit about what size jeans I fit in anymore. It was immediate, the overwhelming sense of responsibility and love I felt for him. I would trade my size 4 ass for a size 50 if it meant my child would be healthy and happy. However, I was thinking a lot about my aching baby hole, and my enormous, red, milk leaking, bursting forth with strange looking lumps and marks BOOBS! It annoyed me when people commented on how good I looked and how fast I lost the baby weight.

Well, let me tell you - cracked nipples, mastitis, a colicky baby with chronic ear infections and suicidal post partum depression tends to melt the weight right off a new mom. Along with every ounce of weight I gained during pregnancy, I also lost many pounds of muscle mass and my motherfucking mind. I'd give anything to have kept the weight and my mind intact, but instead, I lost both things. The weight and my mind did eventually return and I wouldn't trade a pound off my dimpled ass for one minute of the despair I felt post baby birthing. No way. Not even an ounce!

Articles like this one CLICK HERE (my friend and fellow blogger Dave from Dad All Day sent my way, because he knew I’d bust out the big bitchface guns about it) make me stabby. My depression wasn’t related to self-esteem issues or discomfort with having gained a bunch of weight, but damn if this kind of shit doesn’t slice through the psyche of vulnerable new moms, struggling to come to terms with the fact that all the weight they gain isn’t just the person they grew. Nope. And holy mother of GOD, the isolation in the early days! I remember sitting at home with sore lady parts, (others can relate to this or they had a C-section scar that hurt like a bitch) all caught up in the insane feeding and diapering schedule of my newborn, wondering how I would make it through the next five minutes. Worrying about losing baby weight can, and often does make it hard to celebrate the miracle of our bodies. It shouldn’t, but sometimes it does.

This needs to stop. Right fucking now.

It is the job of these celebrity women to be in shape and camera ready. They will all tell you that it’s ball busting, never-ending hard work to not only resist cravings during pregnancy, when their hormones are going ape-shit, but also that the demands of being a new mother along with the pressure to slim down are frustrating and stressful and downright torturous!

Kate Hudson, celebrity royalty admitted this –

“I devoted six hours a day to a vigorous workout regime,” she told Star magazine. “I would do 45 or 55 minutes of cardio then an hour of Pilates or yoga, three times a day.”

SIX HOURS A DAY?

Yeah, because it’s her goddamn job! She’s rich and famous and has help - lots of it. And I’m just guessing that she would be among the first to sit a non-celeb new mom down and give her a big, fat, juicy hug and tell her to enjoy her baby and not to worry about losing baby weight because the most important thing is the health and well being of the two of them and then salivate over the baked goods everyone seems to bring after the birth of a baby, even though they are worried that the mom’s ass will stay fat.

RIDICULOUS.

So I'd just like to take this opportunity to tell media and everyone else who is drinking the “hey why don't we talk about superficial nonsense and put extra pressure on an already stressed out mother by focusing on her weight” Kool-Aid, to stop it. Shut your gob. Shhh… and stop it right now!

And if you aren’t one of the morons engaging in the asshattery of conversation about baby weight, you still need to shhh….the baby is sleeping.

P.S. If they don't name the baby Thor, I hope they name him Hawk. Hawk is a bad-ass name for a prince.

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