Kids say the darndest things - especially if you are in public and they see a penis

I have a potty mouth. I don’t make excuses for it or try to hide it, and I’m certainly not proud of it. It’s just that swearing comes naturally to me. Like breathing. Or farting. I am able to withhold the four letter words and whatnot when I must, and for a long time, I was really very careful around my children with regard to my filth laced vernacular. Although for the most part, most of the vulgarity I rip off isn’t a conscious, “I think I’ll swear my fucking face off today,” I am conscious of the fact that I need to BE more conscious when speaking to, and in front of my kiddos.

My husband does not have a potty mouth. Once in awhile he throws out a curse of two, but it’s usually because he’s bashed his head or his foot into something, or some jag-load has cut him off in traffic. When he does swear, he isn’t very creative because his outbursts are merely reactions to shocking, painful or overwhelmingly frustrating situations.

At the risk of sounding pathetic and trying to excuse my atrocious language, it is my opinion that there are worse things I could be doing around my kids. Way, way, waaaaay, worse things. I won’t make a list for you. I THINK you know what I’m saying (I’m talking to you people who tell their kids they wish that they were never born, abuse and neglect them. Yeah – those assholes).

Like any parent, I do try my best to set a decent example for my chillens, but I’m my father’s foul-mouthed daughter. Swearing is in my DNA, so I don’t beat myself up over my mistakes. If I did, I’d look like this all day long.

The majority of my cussing isn’t directed at anyone in particular, (if you don’t count the dogs) and I don’t SCREAM (if you don’t count the times I’m pissed to the nth power of infinity) the run of the mill cuss words (that are not even on the list of words you can’t say on television! Click HERE for the list if you don’t know the words I’m talking about) like hell, dammit, ass, asshole, asshat, shittasticful, shitsticks, (words with the word shit IN them are technically not the word SHIT) balls, dirty lice infested rat balls, etc.

I'M INNOCENT YOUR HONOR! INNOCENT!

I'M INNOCENT YOUR HONOR! INNOCENT!

Not so bad, eh? My hardly notice when I swear, but they do notice if I say something is “stupid” or “shut up” to the dogs, and tell me I’m not being nice.

AGREED! It’s not nice to call people names, and I don’t know anyone who is fond of being told to shut up. That shit’s just harsh.

Once in a great while I’ll hear my kids curse, but both are similar to my husband in the sense that the naughty word (or words) almost always follow some painful injury or intolerable frustration, so they get a hug and a free pass, (especially since it’s been proven that a good f-bomb actually helps to alleviate pain). And personally, I think there are worse things to say, more offensive words that elicit an overall air of disrespect and level of inappropriate.

Racial slurs? NOT COOL. My kids know better than to utter that kind of crap or any derogatory words and phrases that allude to another individual being inferior due to religious preferences, sexuality, cultural norms, economic status, etc.

That shit isn’t tolerated around this joint. So that’s why I was surprised the other day when my daughter peeled off some of the top shelf gross out words when we were in the pet store. Words that she just doesn’t hear around the house.

Cate Momma! Look at the puppy! Oooooo a puppy! Can I pet it? Please?

Me Ask the owner. And go slow. Be gentle.

Cate Momma, look at her! She looks like Chloe (our old dog)! A baby version of Chloe!

Me Awww…she sure does. Wow! I mean she looks exactly like Chloe!

Cate Not exactly. ‘Cause Chloe didn’t have a dick and this dog has a dick.

Me You are right. This puppy is a clearly a boy. I see his puppy penis. I’d like it if you didn’t use the word “dick” to describe a penis. The word “dick” is a slang term and it’s not considered very polite to use that word to describe a penis. It’s like saying shit instead of poop. One is just considered cleaner, more appropriate.

Cate Okay. But did you see that there is a slimy, red, boner coming out of his penis? He’s looking for a giiiiiiirlfriend!

Me (To pet store employee) Do you think I should talk to her about how it might be more appropriate to call it an erection?

Pet Store Employee Unable to answer due to hysterical laughter interspersed with snorting and shaking.

So I guess my point here is that there is only so much responsibility we parents can take for the word choices that accompany the stream of consciousness, because you will inevitably feel like a complete DICK when your kid says or does something, even if it has nothing to do with how many quarters you have dropped in the swear jar as a consequence for dropping f-bombs when you burn dinner to a crisp or step in dog poo wearing your brand new shoes.

THE END.

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