I told you already how much I love a good girls night out, or GNO, and why I believe it’s important to get OUT or at least have some time to yourself in a blog post earlier in the week. This is the second of three posts I promised to write about Girls Night Out. And now I present to you - GNO Part Deux: Fantasy, Reality and Hangovers - for your reading pleasure.
GNO. GIRLS NIGHT OUT!
I’m also all about a good girls night IN, GNI.
GNI. GIRLS NIGHT IN!
No matter where you go or who you choose to spend your “me” time with, if you choose to get your drink on, and you are a grown up gal, you know damn well that you had better not do keg stands and shots like a horny sorority girl who can sleep until noon the next day. And I think we can all agree that hangovers blow chunks, both literally and figuratively. Also, in my opinion, it’s not so good for your kids to see you dragging ass after a night of binge drinking. As parents, it’s our job to be good role models for our Crotchfruit, drinking moderately and safely.
How else will they learn the partying ropes?
But…sometimes no matter how hard you try, that bitchface hangover grabs you by the skull and bashes your entire being to bits. All. Day. Long. – After a GNO.
**My fantasy GNO (harp music and a softening of images)**
Bartender Hello gorgeous! You are looking H.O.T. tonight!
Me I know, right? Can you whip me up a cool, crisp, filthy dirty (insert brand of high end vodka) martini with four olives stuffed with blue cheese?
Bartender Did you say four olives?
Me YOU HEARD ME!
Vince Vaughn Excuse me Bartender? Put that sassy minx's cocktail on my tab. Put all of this naughty tiger's drinks on my tab. All. Night. Long.
Me (To Vince) You are so money and you don’t even know it. Growl. Purr. Giggle.
Vince No baby, you’re money!
And we go back and forth with this witty banter all evening. We share some eats and more expensive drinks, enjoying a strictly platonic, but funner than the funnest fun kind of evening before he calls me a cab, paying the driver with one hand and high fiving me with the other, because we have just become best friends and that's what besties do. They high five and look out for each other after a night at the bar. I arrive home, safe, chug a glass of water and fall into bed. I sleep soundly and wake up without a hangover because when you pace yourself while drink high quality booze on a full bellay and stay hydrated, you stand a very good chance of waking up feeling fit as a fiddle and ready to tackle your kinfolk.
**GNO Reality (Frighteningly loud top 40 music at a bar and squealing young adults looking to hook up)**
Me What brand of well vodka you got?
Bartender (Ignores me while making drink after drink for the hot, under 30 crowd)
Me Dude? DUDE WHAT IS YOUR WELL VODKA?
Bartender (Grunts) I got brand X (cheap and nasty, just as I figured)
Me Fak! If I drink that swill, I’ll have a killer hangover. Just pour me some cheap white wine.
Bartender And cheap white wine won’t? You don’t get out much, do you?
Me I said pour me some cheap white. YOU HEARD ME! Do it!
And I drink cheap white wine all night, asking for glasses of ice to water it down, hoping for the best, but knowing that more than one alcoholic beverage will most likely disrupt my sleep. I either stop drinking halfway through the night because I have to drive or have three drinks, feel borderline drunk as my friend drives me home, wondering if I’ll puke. I chug water and fall into bed. After a bit of spinning, I fall asleep, only to wake a few hours later and fitfully toss and turn until the dog and kids start barking. I get out of bed and BOOM! I get smacked upside the head with a killer hangover. I dry heave, chug water and spend the day feeling like a rotten butthole that’s been flattened by a steamroller.
**Fantasy GNI (harps again and blurry fluff)**
Husband Hey sugar-buns! I got a 100K raise and brought you home a bottle of X (high end vodka) and a jar of olives stuffed with blue cheese. I’ll handle the kids tonight. Why don’t you fix a drink and watch a chick flick by yourself without interruptions?
Son You are the best mom ever. I’ll fix you a perfect dirty martini!
Daughter No! I want to make it!
Husband Now, now kids, one of you can make the drink and the other can rub moms feet!
Both kids YAY!
And I drink the martini while watching “While You Were Sleeping” for the 100th time on VHS, and despite the poor quality, I am blissfully happy and comfortable as I watch Miss Bullock stumble and bumble her way into the hearts of her pretend boyfriend’s (who is in a coma) family.
**Reality GNI (someone is banging on the piano, the dogs are barking, etc.)**
Me Can you put the kids to bed? I want to have a glass of wine and chill.
Husband (Huge sigh) I guess. I’ve had a day myself you know and….
Kids (Random gibberish and arguing and complaining and giggling and violating my personal space)
I drink a glass of wine, but it’s exactly like the story in my book and I don’t dare have two because I need to sleep so I don’t lose my marbles and I can’t handle a cheap wine hangover. I just can’t.
So when I was asked by the people at Sweet Relish, a very cool internet shopping site, to try product called Drinkwel, for healthy drinkers and hangover prevention, I decided that I would totally do it, because there is no way I can justify high end vodka on our budget and I do not plan to give up my GNO or GNI or my cheap white wine.
And at the risk of losing my MWDAS badge, I confess that I don’t usually drink much during the week, and on the weekends, it’s a big deal for me to make it through an entire bottle of wine. I just HAD to see if Drinkwel worked and, as you all know, I usually don’t do product reviews, but how could I not do this one when it could possibly change my entire LIFE?
**Realilty GNI with Drinkwel (dogs and kids barking, television blaring)**
Me Dude, I’m going to try this Drinkwel and blog about it.
Husband (Reads the stuff) So you are going to tie one on? Does this mean I’m getting laid?
Me Dunno 'bout that. I’m going to follow the directions and drink three to four glasses of wine. I plan to get almost drunk.
Husband I’m so getting some.
Me I’m being serious. I finally have something I can review and do a giveaway for MWDAS readers. Can you STFU for a sec? I am telling you that I’m going to drink a lot and so you have to be ON! If someone cracks their head open or gets a fever, you have to be all over it AND do bedtime routines and stuff, ‘cause Ima be drink-angggggggggg!
Husband So long as I get to party with you later, you can go be the life of your own party now. I got things covered.
And so I followed the directions on the package, minus eating the mints. I ate half a box of chocolate pecan caramel clusters instead. Go big or go home is what I always say!
I got almost smashed, ON A WEEKNIGHT, and no, my husband didn’t get him some nookie, because over the course of the evening, I drank almost an entire bottle of Winking Owl pinot grigio from Aldi and fell asleep in my clothes. I remember eating candy, so I wasn’t super freaked out when I found chocolate and pecan bits in my cleavage the next day, wondering how the hell it happened. I remember every bite of sticky, chocolate goodness that I washed down with a glass of water (because I followed the damn Drinkwel directions, which by the way, are so easy to follow that you could be hammered and forget the next step and not have trouble reading and understanding).
The point is this – the stuff worked. I did not have a hangover when I woke up. I didn’t feel like running a 5K or taking the ACT’s or anything strenuous like that, but I felt good. I ate scrambled eggs and had no trouble navigating the morning routines with the dogs and kids. I like Drinkwel and I will use it again. I repeat, I like Drinkwel and I will use it again. I feel good about recommending it.
Yes, the people at Sweet Relish DOT com provided me with a free Life of the Party Kit, and yes I am being compensated for this post. ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS in fact, so I’ll be buying some top shelf vodka with some of the cash.
And a yacht. And maybe some diamonds and a llama or two. Definitely a goat. I'm SO money now!
So if you want to win a copy of my book AND a Drinkwel Life of the Party Kit, just post in the comments of this blog about the weirdest thing you found either in your bra, pants or bed after a GNO or GNI. Winners chosen by readers via number of “likes.”
And that, my amigas, was Girls Night Out Part Deux. Part three on coming this Friday.
P.S. Call me Vince! I’m in the book!