After 19 years of marriage, I can say with 100% certainty that my husband and I communicate 100% better than we did year ago, but if I had to give us a grade for our current communication effectiveness, I'd say we are at 70% on our best days, give or take 10%. THANK GOD FOR TEXT MESSAGING! And that's only when we aren't exhausted, mad at each other, or so busy with work and life that we are metaphorical ships that pass in the day and night. He's a great guy and it would behoove me (I've been DYING to use that word in a blog post) me to TELL HIM that I really do see just how far he has come and how hard he tries to tolerate my dumbfuckery on the daily, so I have behooved myself to behooving. HEY ERIC - I am behooved by you!
Anyway, my friend David has transitioned to a new role as a stay at home day and will be blogging about it. But he's not going to be all smushy and sensitive, because he's not that guy. I asked him to write a guest blog about marriage and communication and all that shiz and he did, because I really don't fucking feel like writing one. You can find his other musings and mind scramblings HERE at Dad All Day. I luff me some daddy blogs and a few of my favorites will be linked at the end of this post.
And now, without further ado,(another word I'm fucking excited to use in a blog post) brand new Dad blogger, but not a new dad - David Wallach of Dad All Day!
Marriage Advice from America’s #1 Pimp
Fourteen years ago, before my daughter was born, I was given the assignment to live and film inside the Moonlight Bunny Ranch as a part of the true crime series City Confidential on A&E.
We were filming an episode on the Mustang Ranch and it’s notorious owner Joe Conforti, however the Mustang was shut down and Conforti was in hiding in Rio, the Moonlight Bunny Ranch was the place we were going to film, conduct interviews and “recreations.”
As a documentary film producer, I had filmed in some pretty interesting places: the Arctic, the Amazon, Everest and more. Getting ready to film at the Bunny Ranch took a “special” kind of preparation.
My wife, at the time, gave me the “free pass” to do what I wanted “just get it out of your system and don’t come back with anything” was her instructions. A year before, I would have walked into the Bunny Ranch with a laundry list a mile long. Things had changed, I was about to be the father to a daughter and heaven forbid if my baby ended up in a place like that, I would kill someone.
I was a new man and eager to sit across from the “monster” who owned the Bunny Ranch Dennis Hoff. He was going to get the full force of my interviewing mite. I had sat down across from killers, rapists and a few carnies, we had had some epic war of words in these interviews, but Hoff, he was special. There was no going easy on this guy, I was going to rip him apart verbally and make him see how wrong he was for opening such a horrible place.
The day came, we moved in and set up the cameras and the lights. I was ready to go to war with America’s Most Famous Pimp. We danced over a few niceties for a minute or two and then I loaded my gun and fired what I thought was a massive bomb. Hoff’s answer was some of the best marital advice I had ever heard. I live by it and share it with friends all the time. It’s smart, simple and complex all at the same time.
The conversation went like this.
Me- Why in the world does this place even exist? It shouldn’t be here, you shouldn’t be here.
Hoff- You’re right, we shouldn’t be here and we would disappear in a day if people would do one simple thing. Communicate.
Me- Not wanting to let Hoff off with a one word answer. That’s a cop out! What do you mean?
Hoff- “At a certain point in a relationship, many couples stop communicating. They may think they are, but they don’t.
A man wants nothing more than to have anal with his wife, dress her up like a dirty school girl or be spanked by her. As much as he wants to do these things with his wife, he is afraid to ask her. She is the mother to his children, the “Madonna” of the family and doesn’t want her to think of him as a pervert.
So, he comes here, plunks down some money and gets everything he could have had at home, but was afraid to ask for.
The wife- She wants nothing more than to be spanked, have anal and dress up for her husband, but she is also afraid to ask. She doesn’t want him to look at her like a “slut,” or bad mother for having those thoughts. Sometimes, she is afraid of the expectations, things have changed since having kids and her confidence is down, the last thing she wants to feel is rejected by him.
So, instead of asking, she is mad, frustrated or goes outside the marriage for her satisfaction. Heck, sometimes, “she” comes here!
It boils down to trusting in the person you love. Knowing that if you are in a healthy trusting relationship, then you should be able to be honest about everything from religion to the color of your walls to anal.
If couples communicated more, we would be out of business.”
I was dumbfounded. He was 100% right, brilliant in it’s simplicity, difficult in its execution.
When my first marriage ended and I found myself single again, I had one rule with every woman I met, “communication, 100% honesty.” While it freaked some people out, the woman who got it was the woman who I am lucky to spend the rest of my life with.
While there are some things we don’t see eye to eye on (or other body parts) we talk about it, openly and honestly, which usually leads to something new, different and fun.
When it’s all over and we are falling asleep, I say a silent “thank you” to Dennis Hoff, America’s #1 Pimp and marriage advisor.
Link to Dennis Hof HERE
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