I have always enjoyed a comfortable, easy relationship with my mom. We go together like peanut butter and jelly! That being said, on a scale of one to infinity times six, I felt the infinity times six UNeasy while sitting on the sofa next to her as we watched the opening scene from the movie, “This is Forty.”
Holy shit I was squirming out of my skin!
But I wasn’t squirming because of the sex part. Shower sexy time is A-Okay in my book, but IF you have not seen the movie, I’ll just tell you why I was feeling infinity times six squirmy while watching the scene. It was the conversation that followed the shower sex. As a matter of fact, throughout the entire movie, I felt like jumping out of my skin, yet on a scale of one to infinity times six, I loved the movie infinity times six.
WHAAAAAT? If I liked the movie, then what the WHAT am I whining about? Nikki why you be crazy talking?
Here’s why I'm so weird and confusing and squirmy! Aside from her totally hot bod, gorgeous face and the sneaking of cigarettes, I so strongly identified with the female lead in this movie that it scared the snot out of me. I too, am a very passionate, mouthy, screamy, sensitive chick who doesn’t have much of a verbal filter. And here’s another kicker – all the swearing and conversations about murder and vaginas and kids acting like assholes – didn’t seem at all odd or embellished for entertainment purposes. Seriously, it wasn't tame, but it wasn't anything didn't seem totally realistic to me.
It felt so intimate and real and I hate to say that I found myself experiencing a very odd, uncomfortable and rare emotion for me - embarrassment!
Gah! I felt embarrassed? Yes! I did because I knew that even though my momma and I are like peanut butter and jelly, we are also just so different. I knew that she knew that she was watching a much prettier, but equally intense and screechy version of me and I wondered what she must be thinking each time I nodded my head in agreement or unconsciously mumbled, “Oh my god YES, that is the fucking truth right there,” during a scene in the movie.
My mom became a mother in 1968. I became a mother in 2000. Is family life really so different now? What about marriage? Did my mom ever say anything like this to my father?
Because I HAVE told my husband that it makes me want to kick him in the neck when he sits on his ass watching television for hours and eats two cans of fucking Pringles or hides in the bathroom playing on his iPhone avoiding company. * I have nothing against Pringles or iPhones or television.*
THIS REALLY IS FORTY! At least for me it is.
But it is also twenty, thirty, and likely will be my fifty, sixty and on. It’s LIFE! I know it’s not everyone’s life and that there are many people who watched the entire movie thinking, “DEAR HOLY GOD WHAT THE HELL KIND OF PEOPLE LIVE AND ACT LIKE THIS?” They are calm and call their private parts cute names like coochie and diddle and they wouldn’t even consider having a brutally honest conversation with their spouse about how there are just some days when the wear and tear of years and tears make it difficult to see them without wanting to punch them square in the schnoz or fantasizing how you’d spend the life insurance money.
I know there are people who don’t act like the characters in this movie. The woman sitting next to me as I watched the movie, my mother, she never acted like the mom in the movie. Have things really changed so much?
I just don’t know!
My mom says she is proud of the woman I have become. I joke around saying that my mom loves my book so you will too, but really it’s not a joke. She loves my book. But she is my mom so there is a bias there, right?
It’s not just the flick that has been killing me softly and slowly lately and making me think ocean deep thoughts about the reality of family life today. What is normal, traditional, typical and acceptable? And who the fuck decides this - the "experts?"
Who are these experts and what makes them so experty?
Recently I’ve done some taped interviews for podcasts, syndicated radio shows and live radio shows. I am often self -deprecating about so many things, but never about my people skills and I can honestly say that over the last few months while meeting people and doing interviews etc. for my book, I have paid very close attention to people and so many of these people are downright SHOCKED that I am not a total freaky alcoholic animal, unable to refrain from cursing or spewing hot tempered rants. They can’t believe that I’m educated, articulate, polite and kind – that my blog has a higher purpose for me, and the people who read what I write.
Really people? Are we that different?
LAUGH, LEARN AND BE REAL. ASK QUESTIONS. HAVE FUN AND FORGIVE YOURSELF AND OTHERS. TRY. FAIL. TRY AGAIN. KNOW THAT PERFECTION IS AN IMPOSSIBLE GOAL AND THAT THE TRIALS AND TRIBULATIONS AS WELL AS THE CELEBRATIONS ARE WHAT MAKE UP THIS EXPERIENCE WE CALL LIFE. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOT ONE RIGHT WAY TO LIVE A LIFE AND RAISE A FAMILY. THERE JUST ISN'T.
So as the clock ticks and the minutes pass bringing the release of my book closer, I am faced with the reality that MY reality, my life, my story, might very well be something that disgusts, confuses and upsets people and yet each time I let a book go in a giveaway, I feel surprisingly proud of the person I have become and of the life I lead. I am incredibly relieved to be able to say that I wouldn’t change a thing.
NOT ONE THING.
In the song, Raise Your Glass by Pink, she sings -
“So raise your glass if you are wrong in all the right ways, all my underdogs! We will never be, never be anything but loud and nitty gritty, dirty little freaks.”
Am I an underdog or am I typical and just loud about it? Because I will never be, never be, anything but LOUD and if that makes me a dirty little freak – so be it.
THIS IS NIKKI! (and this is my book)!
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CONGRATULATIONS TO JESS, STEPHANIE AND TARA - who win a free book. I'll be emailing you today!