Facebook fan numbers - What they really mean (and what they don't)

Spanking. Do you or don’t you?

Just kidding, I really don’t want to know what you do as long as you don’t BEAT your kid, partner, animal or anyone else for that matter (unless they are coming after you with nun chucks or they are a murderer or a zombie or going to do something very bad to you). It’s just not my business.

But I would like to talk about spanking, sort of. Really what I’d like to talk about is humor. You know, laughter, giggles, grins, irony, jokes, etc. FUNNIES! And I think this here old school image is funny.

WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY, BABY!

WE HAVE COME A LONG WAY, BABY!

Me. I think it’s funny. I don’t expect you to agree. Matter of fact, I am sure many of you reading disagree with me, and you have your reasons for feeling this way. I respect your right to have those feelings. We can’t always agree. Think about it. The self-help sections of the library or bookstore have thousands of books. I don’t even want to think about how many religions there are in the world. It hurts my tender noggin. Oh but I love this post from The Oatmeal.

HOW TO SUCK AT YOUR RELIGION

Me. I think it’s funny. I don’t expect you to agree. Matter of fact, I’d be willing to bet there are a few specific religions that REALLY find it offensive. Different strokes for different folks is what I always say (Seriously, I say that ALL the time, I love saying that).

But back to me – MEEEEE, you know, since this is my blog -my ever-evolving weird blog that touches on all kinds of topics and really showcases the specific stages of development where my emotional growth is obviously stunted. Me thinks that very often, thou dost protest too much. And when I say THOU, I am most likely not specifically making a thinly veiled attempt to single you out (while using an expression that I have always wanted to use – giggle). Or maybe I am?

WHO CAN KNOW?

If you are here, it’s because you want to be. But maybe not, someone might be forcing your finger to click on the mouse, holding a gun to your head and saying, “READ NIKKI’S BLOG OR I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL BLOW YOUR HEAD OFF. READ IT NOW AND THEN CLICK ON ‘SHARE’.”

WHO CAN KNOW?

So I’ll do my best to wrap it up here, connect the spanking and humor dots. I write humor. I like to tie in a bit of health psychology, common sense and pop culture, but always with a humorous angle. My sense of humor is warped, twisted, immature and crass. This is a well-established fact. I have a knack for finding the fun in dysfunctional and then writing about it. Chicago now gives me free reign (within reason) and I am part of that community. Facebook does not give me free reign, yet I remain part of that community. It is because of our Facebook community that I started a blog. The two are inexplicably linked now – like Harry Potter and Voldemort. I have almost a quarter of a million "fans" on Facebook. Only a very small number of these "fans" actually read my blog. Very. Fucking. Small.

At CN, I write without restraint (for the most part). On Facebook, I have become more careful. I must! Sure, people don’t HAVE to read my stuff, but they do, and some don’t like what they read or see, and so they tattle-tale and get all butt hurt instead of just ignoring me and moving on. SO THEN I END UP GETTING SPANKED! What do I mean by that?

It’s simple really, someone did not like THIS image of me, a silly photo shop that a friend did over a year ago, and reported it to the powers that be at Facebook.

I DO LOVE ME SOME TWINKIES. I WISH THEY WERE GLUTEN FREE....

I DO LOVE ME SOME TWINKIES. I WISH THEY WERE GLUTEN FREE....

Somehow, the image violated community standards. I’m guessing nudity or bullying? The message I received wasn’t very specific beyond informing me that I was prohibited from posting on Facebook for 24 hours. THAT IS HOW FACEBOOK SPANKS A BAD GIRL OR BOY! You are asking why and who would tattle on me resulting in my metaphorical Facebook spanking?

WHO CAN KNOW?

I respect Facebook’s efforts, (and their right) to monitor content. They are merely doing the best they can in order to keep a great and powerful social media network safe and fun. However, my blog and it's relationship with Facebook are much like that of Harry and Voledy, (the Death Eaters call him that when they are all shit-faced on butter beer and it cracks him up) the existence of one (cough - Facebook) often has a negative affect on the other (cough - my blog). My large fan base means nothing to me other than an occasional increase in blog readers. That is what I really want. I want you to read my fucking blog.

And so I am going to do less posting on Facebook and more posting on my blog, which will remain on Chicago now until May before I move to my very own delicious site – different but equal. Your sass mouth Nikki is growing up, but don’t worry, that doesn’t mean my humor will decrease or that I’ll stop laughing everytime I hear the words balls, hard, and stroke. My point? SUBSCRIBE to my blog.

You will not receive spam and you can unsubscribe at any time. You also remain firmly in control, as you don’t have to read anything I post if you don’t want to. The beauty of this simple effort, is that I will received less email and messages asking why I’m not posting, when I am posting. You will know. You take the power away from Facebook by circumventing the algorithm that selects what you see and don’t see in your news feed on Facebook.

Unlike these ladies –

SPANK ME - MONTY PYTHON

I do NOT enjoy getting spanked.

It’s true – the vast reach of Facebook helped me grow a strong audience and without it, I wouldn’t have the great support I enjoy today. It’s also true that future growth of my readership shouldn’t depend on whether my page is lucky enough to get picked up by a mathematical equation that I don’t understand.

So choose.

DESPERATE PLEA BY MEREDITH TO MCDREAMY TO PICK HER, CHOOSE HER, LOVE HER

CHOOSE ME. PICK ME. LOVE ME.

Because I love you and I love writing for you. This blog is me, holding my boom box under your window and letting you know that I am willing to navigate some obstacles to be with you. So you choose. Choose what you want to see more of and less of. Choose the news and blog sites you love to read and don’t want to miss, and make sure you don’t miss them by subscribing to them directly or adding them to your RSS feed. If you don’t do this, you are basically allowing Facebook to be the pimp that chooses your whores.

I want to be your whore.

Humor is subjective. If you think it's funny that I want to be your whore, SUBSCRIBE.

If you understand that I don't technically want to service you sexually, but enjoy using offensive metaphors that are occasionally shocking and off-putting due to my stunted emotional state, SUBSCRIBE.

If you don't want to SUBSCRIBE, well...don't. But the don't complain that Facebook isn't letting you know when I post, because you have the right to choose your own ho'. I'd rather have 100 loyal readers than a quarter of a million fair weather "fans."

Type your email address in the box and click the "create subscription" button. My list is completely spam free, and you can opt out at any time.

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