Clitoris: A feel good story about a touchy subject

At the Knepper house, we speak freely about any and all topics. I am well aware that this is not the case with all families and particularly some of the families of my children’s friends. That is why I always tell my children that certain conversations need to be kept private. At least until they know that their friends possess the same knowledge and comfort level in discussing this knowledge that they do. Not everybody thinks it’s okay to wax philosophical about the benefits of knowing about the magical sex organ known as the clitoris!

Image from about ten zillion sources on the inter webs

Image from about ten zillion sources on the inter webs

It is very A-mazing to have a clitoris. If you have one, you already know this, but if you do not have one, I’m telling you right now that in one very specific way, having a clitoris is undeniably cooler than having a penis.

So far in this blog, I have written the word clitoris three times, four if you count the one in this sentence. This is possibly more times than some people have said the word in their entire lives. If you are one of those people, I recommend you get caught up with the rest of the cool kids and start dropping the word into casual conversation when you can. It’s super fun to say! The word makes your tongue feel like it’s jumping on a trampoline! Say it – CLITORIS!

SO MUCH FUN!

Alrighty then! So like I said before, our family is pretty open. When my son learned how babies were made, I did not talk about the male and female anatomy in any more detail than was necessary at the time. Wham-bam, thank you MOM! He was already horrified and I didn’t even use the word penetration. Wimp. So when fifth grade came around and he was receiving formal education about the boy and girl parts, complete with diagrams, I pointed out to him that there was a very important thing missing from the girl part picture – THE CLITORIS! Rhymes with Doris, I told him, and it’s ok to call it that too. Or you can simply call it a lady boner, because that’s what it is. Sometimes putting a name to a face helps you to remember the important details. Amiright? Yes, I am.

I told him that he really did need to know what the clitoris was and what it was for. I also told him why I thought it was not included in the drawings he received in health class. The students were learning the nuts and bolts (I said nuts) about genitals. Wet dreams, semen, ovaries, eggs, etc. BORING. Well, not the wet dream part, oh no, not boring at all.

SO MUCH FUN!

However, the school left it up to the parents to fill in the blanks. I’m sure some parents plunged in (giggle) and blew the load (I can’t stop myself) right then and there, just to get it over with. I know that if my kid didn’t already know the facts, I would have. The first time is all about just getting it over with so you can say you did it (Okay, I’m stopping now). Since my kid knew the basics, I decided to build on what he knew. Clitoris? Think of it as a lady peen, I told him. The clitoris is the most important sex organ for the ladies! It gets hard just like a penis and is very sensitive. NEVER ignore the lady boner, I told him. NEVER.

He laughed. He laughed a LOT. “Mom, you are the weirdest,” he informed me.

“Yes, I know this, but you will thank me someday for making sure that you have all the information. Trust me.” I replied.

“Someday isn’t today you weirdo.” He said as he walked off.

Image on funnyjunk.com

Image on funnyjunk.com

A couple of years have passed since the day he learned about Deloris the clitoris, A.K.A. the lady boner. Now he is very comfortable talking about sex and parts and whatever is on his mind with me, and I’m afraid that before too long, he will meet a Delores. It freaks me out, but I sure hope he remembers what I told him. There are four years between my two kids, so I figured I had some time before my daughter and I would have a similar discussion about D the LB. I figured wrong. She brought it up a few nights ago.

SO MUCH FUN!

“MOM! OH MY GOD I HAVE THIS AWESOME THING DOWN IN MY JUNK THAT IS SO AMAZING. YOU HAVE TO SEE IT!” she squealed.

I was thinking she did a be-dazzle on her va-jazzle. She loves glitter and has all these little jeweled stickers. What else could it be? She was in diapers forever and a day, so I am pretty familiar with her girl parts. I’d never noticed anything out of the ordinary back in the diaper days, but the years have a way of changing kids, right?

“Okay, so I have this little lumpy thing that I can move around and it’s so awesome. I can’t believe how it is all, like, well, SO AWESOME!” More squealing.

Yeah, I knew what she was talking about. She met D her LB. So the two of us talked a bit about safety – again – and how to keep clean and why diddling was done in private. But she was just so excited. I explained about the lady boner and why it gets hard down there and what makes it feel so….AWESOME! She decided that she preferred the term lady boner to the word clitoris. I had to agree. I also had to tell her that it would be best if she didn’t talk about it with her friends, because it was something that kids should learn from a trusted adult like a parent or a doctor, NOT other kids.

“Do boys have a clitoris?” she asked. Oh hell no! I knew where this was going. My girl is competitive as they come. I could tell she was hoping I would say no. She wanted to have something awesome that her brother didn’t’ have so she could taunt him. Maybe HE could pee standing up or in a bottle in the car on long trips, but did he have a lady boner? Nooooooo……

SO MUCH FUN!

“Nope! Boys have a penis. They don’t have a clitoris.” I smiled as a huge grin peeled across her face. She was happy, so happy! I could just see what was going to happen next though. Soon she’d be singing about her clitoris and teasing her brother saying, “I have a clitoris and YOU don’t and it’s so awesome and you just have that stupid penis…..” or something like that. Like I said, I know my daughter. She must win! I had to burst her bubble a bit. Not completely, but just a wee bit.

I told her that a clitoris and a penis are very similar. They are both sex organs, very sensitive and both can be soft of hard, depending on how much blood is pumping to them. I hated to knock the wind out of her sails. I really did. But even though I had to take her down a notch, I was going to end on a happy note, even if the note wasn’t a musical one from a cheerful song she was singing about her newfound D the LB. I was going to give her the win, something she could sing about for the rest of her life.

“Let me tell you why lady boners are better than man boners now,” I giggled, rubbing my hands together, so very excited that I was going to give her good news. “Lady boners can be hidden. Man boners cannot and boys sometimes get pretty embarrassed when they get a big ole boner, but when we ladies get them, it’s our secret! Isn’t that awesome? Right now it doesn’t matter so much, but trust me, someday it will matter a lot and it’s a total WIN! And that is why having a clitoris is way more awesome than having a penis. See?”

“I guess so,” she managed a grin, but seemed a bit deflated. “But I’d be happy now if it was someday. And I wish I could tell all my friends about their lady boners! They would love them so much! Everyone needs to know about them! Everyone!”

Someday. But that, my friends, is the one very specific way, having a clitoris is way cooler than having a penis. Secret boners.

Image by xkcd

Image by xkcd

Image by xkcd, one of the best sites on the inter webs!

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You will get a boner reading it. Trust me. BOING! The end.

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