No Child Left Behind

I want my kids to know things. All the things!

I don't want them to be left behind! No child left behind must include my beloved loin fruit and the only way I will know if they are indeed ahead and not behind, is to ask them. I have to pay attention!

I am constantly asking my kids what they are up to during the day at school. I don’t think I’m being nosey when I ask them for a few specifics, yet they both huff and sigh when I demand a little bit of their time. I just want a quick check in.

Is that too much to ask I ask you? Well, I think NOT. So I ask. Every day I ask them for specific details about their day and every day they act like subpoenaed mobsters. What do they have to hide?

I want to say, “Listen you jerks. I do a lot of shit for you on the regular, so throw me a bone here. Give me something or I’m done washing your poopy pants and I’ll stop buying the variety pack of drumstick ice cream cones. Don’t think I won’t! I swear you will never see another mint chocolate chip drumstick or a goddamn Choco-taco in this house if I don’t get some cooperation here!”

But I don’t say that.

I say, “Listen you jerks, I need to know what’s going on at school and it’s not just so that I can help you if you need me, it’s because I really do care. I don't want either of you to be one of those kids who gets left behind.”

Eye rolls.

“Fine. Tell me stuff and I’ll give you mint chocolate drumsticks and Choco-taco.” Sweeten the pot. Works every time.

But I really do want to know about their day, but especially Thursdays, because if I don’t get them talking now, they inevitably won’t shut up later when I’m trying to watch Grey’s Anatomy and Scandal and Elementary and The Vampire Diaries and The Big Bang Theory. Yeah, they will have a hundred things to tell me when I’m busy with McDreamy and Sheldon and the Salvatore brothers.

Jerks. After all I do for them…..

So like I said, today it was the usual bullshit, but today, I am cranky and decided that I was mad as hell and not going to take it anymore so I said so.

"NOBODY GETS UP FROM THIS TABLE UNTIL THEY TELL ME ABOUT THEIR DAY DAMMIT!" I yelled, half joking, half serious. Jerks would be giving me my television time tonight if I had to bore it out of them by staring at them for an hour at the kitchen table eating drumsticks in front of them.

My daughter shrugged her shoulders and laughed at me before telling me that somebody dared somebody else to eat boogers at recess and so the person who was dared to eat the boogers, ate the boogers. The boogers were rolled up in a ball. An ice booger, which from what she tells me, is the best way to eat boogers if you are going to eat them at all and that it's not even bad for you. She said that somebody told her that eating boogers is "heart healthy."

If it's on Facebook, it's just GOT to be true!

If it's on Facebook, it's just GOT to be true!

Alrighty then! Good to know.

I excused her from the table and she was out of my sight in a hot second. I’ll probably see her for dinner, but she’ll be about as interested in dinnertime talk as she is in after school chitchat.

Ah, but the boy really threw me a bone today.

A bone indeed. The kid was all too eager to share.

“Here’s what I learned mom, first of all, I am not a child that will be left behind. No Ma’am. I took an outcome test in science and aced the bitch. What do you think of that?” he declared.

“I like it. I’d hate to see you get left behind. I don’t like you calling the test a bitch. Stop swearing like it’s no big deal. Now tell me something else about your day without swearing. ” I replied.

“Fair enough, but I did. I aced that female dog. BUT….I think the best part of my day was watching the video about how the preying mantis mate.”

Oh boy.

He continued, “Yeah, the male preying mantis puts his special organ in the female’s abdomen. SPECIAL ORGAN! Can you believe it? They couldn’t say the words penis and vagina? And I’m not 100 % certain, but I think the dude that narrated the film is the same voice from the Disney channel, which is disturbing because now when I hear his voice, I’m just going to think about how I watched insect porn at school.”

Oh yeah baby, right there! That's the spot! Oh yeah!

Oh yeah baby, right there! That's the spot! Oh yeah!

So that’s how MY kids spent their day at school. One of them enjoyed watching another kid eat frozen snot balls on the playground and the other one watched insects bone.

I'm quite pleased with the answers from both of my kiddos. They are learning important stuff, useful information about real life.

No child left behind is right!

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Yay Nikki be so funny!

Yay Nikki be so funny!

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