Buying a ticket to the end of the world and other stuff I do in order to avoid cleaning

Whoa......I look so weird in this pic, right? (read in the voice of Keanu Reaves).

“If I won the lottery, there aren’t many things I would do differently.” Person who is full of shit that isn't me.

I would do a minimum of 458 things differently and that’s just what I can think of and write down in 60 seconds. I would definitely take more awesome pictures of myself and funktify them with photoshop if I didn't have to worry about the almighty dolla.

Yesterday morning I was spot cleaning the carpet in one of the bedrooms upstairs, wishing I had won the lottery so that I could say, “I am so glad I won the lottery because I hate spot cleaning the carpet. It double sucks a bag of dirty assholes and now I never, ever, ever have to do it again because I can pay someone to do it for me.”

I would also have them clean the pee and poop off the toilets. Yep.

And clean dog hair off the baseboards.

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And clean the inside the microwave after weeks of ignoring the tomato sauce splatters that have hardened into red streaks of freaking titanium.

And drive me anywhere. I hate driving more than cleaning.

So while I was scrubbing and sweating like a whore in church, I also got to thinking deep and I thought to myself - Self, don’t be sad about having to clean because you didn’t win the lottery! Remember the world ending in a few weeks so this is probably the last time you will have to spot clean anything.

That cheered me up a bit, but not enough that I needed to take a break from cleaning and dance it out in celebration. You do know that the world is coming to an end, right?

Or is it?

I decided to do some research instead of happy dancing. Could there possibly be any truth to the rumor? And while researching this mystery, I could sneak a few peeks at baby animals online to brighten my mood.

So, while researching the end of the world, I came across stuff about eschatology, Gregorian calendar, galactic alignment, long count calendar, geomagnetic reversal, b’ak’tun 13 and come crap about the planet colliding with Nibiru. Them’s be big words and all the chemicals I used spot cleaning everything got me high so even if I did look everything up, I’d probably forget what I’d learned or it would take me a lot of days and by the time I had it all down, the world would have ended.

Anyhoooo, them's words intimidated me and I felt a bit overwhelmed so I stopped the research, but started thinking about how the lottery and the end of the world have a lot in common while I took a break from the research and looked at pictures of baby koalas and giraffes.

Have you every thought about it? How so many things are different yet alike, good and bad at the same time?


When you win the lottery it really ends the world as you have know it, nothing is ever the same. There is darkness in the form of cheating bastards trying to steal and swindle you, and greedy relatives and friends trying to get a piece of the action, and often an overwhelming loss of a sense of purpose due to boredom.

But you wouldn’t have to clean your own toilets and that would be so awesomesausage. You could also pay off debt, help people you love and afford all kinds of cool and unnecessary but fun crap like a lifetime supply of desk calendars with pictures of various baby animals and investing in the production of gluten free Nutty Bars (two things I would most certainly put money toward if I were to win a big chunk o cash).

But IF the world ends and I did become a pouf of mist who no longer has to spot clean poopies or food splatters, I think I might miss doing the stuff I enjoy doing when I’m not scrubbing stuff. I really like my life.

So I guess what I’m trying to say here is that there is a fine line between the positives and negatives in any situation, and that is why it’s important to focus on the positive, even if you are elbow deep in diapers or cleaning furry mold out of your crisper, the latter of which I am trying to avoid by writing this senseless blog post and looking at pictures of baby animals online again today.

Think about it…..

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