Why my friend Cathy needs to join Facebook

My mom was supposed to be having a simple stent procedure and things went down the shitter. I was at the hospital waiting for a vascular surgeon to come and work his magic on my momma (long story). Anyhooo, my girlfriends knew that I was in the dark and twisty world of worry. Having aging parents in failing health is stressful. Leave it to my bitches to bring me into the light. It started with a message from D.

D         This is merely an observation and no intended to be mean although it will sound mean…. I ran into X at Unnamed Mexican Restaurant today and noted that his head (ego) has gotten much smaller and his waistline has absorbed all the size. I KNOW – so mean, but seriously he looked middle aged BAD. My dad said he thinks we girls are aging so much better.

ME      I love you. I needed that laugh. Tell your dad he is damn right.

G          That is a riot.. Nic, you doing okay? What’s going on with your mom right now?

T          OMG!! That totally made me laugh. Thank you. I needed it too. Yes, Nic – I can come to you now if you need me to. I could even smuggle in some red wine.

ME      (Medical talk about what was happening with my mother) I will know more soon. She is going to surgery in a few. XOXOXOX

T          Oh my. I will continue to pray for you all. Xoxox

D         We are praying. Keep us posted and if you need ANYTHING please let me know.

R          What the? I’m at random kid activity all night and I come home to learn that X now looks like Homer Simpson and Ma J has taken a turn for the worse? You leave the Facebook feed for a few hours and all hell breaks loose. Nic, give mom a hug for me. Prayers and all sorts of good juju sent your way.

That was Thursday night. Friday morning I woke up to this message at 6:38 AM.

T          How is momma now?

D         Please let us know if you need anything.

ME      She is stable. What I need is a week straight of sleep. Thanks everyone. Hope you are all grooooooovy.

G          Love you sweetie. Hugs to Momma J and you too. Tell her we are thinking of her constantly. Take care of YOU. Xoxoxox

Notice all the kissing and hugging. We are touchy feely gals. D and T say similar lovey stuff and that they are praying and give more xoxoxs.

R          Take care of yourself, Nic. Remember on airplanes they always say to put your oxygen mask on first, before you try to help someone else and that goes for taking care of aging parents too. Love you, and love Momma J. xoxoxox

G          On a side note…I love you guys. How in the world did I get so lucky to have such amazing, beautiful, kind hearted, loving friends and to have you all in my life for so long? Sorry to get all sappy, but I have always loved how we are always there for each other in good times and bad, no matter what. You are the best friends….like, ever. Xoxoxoxo

R          Like totally tubular friends with bitching loyalty. I heart our little YaYa Sisterhood too.

ME      This (medical talk) is going to destroy the last bit of sanity I have left. And I’m waiting at the doctor now with C (my daughter).

D         Let us know how we can help you restore your sanity. Ditto to R’s comment, take care of yourself and don’t hesitate to ask for help. I miss you all.

There was more talk about asking for help and then a bunch of specific stuff about getting together and our kids, one of whom just received her first paycheck. Yep, one of us has a little working stiff in the family and I mean little R’s daughter P is only 10 and she’s making bank!

R          Speaking of hired help, P got her first paycheck last week and her head exploded when she saw her name of the official check.

D         Awesome. So she has met her new lifelong friends, FICA and federal and state taxes?

ME      FICA is a greedy whore.

D         She’s such a BITCH!

ME      Did the bank let you keep the check? My dad’s parents framed his first paycheck. Ask them if you can keep it.

R          I have in in my purse, so I’ll totally ask!

ME      Please call your purse a pocketbook and your sofa a davenport. Thank you.

The next portion of the message thread will not be shared. It was so funny that I sobbed, but I also cringed. We all did. And because of that, I decided that too many people would freak out and not understand the joking behind the terribly inappropriate way me and my girlfriends (all bleeding heart liberals) acted out a scene from South Park minus the Scientology jokes.

Old friends can do this stuff, knowing that no harm was intended. It's just our deranged and demented way to reminisce about our pre-baby boomer parents who were raised by their depression era parents, who were about as politically correct as Archie Bunker or just about any commercial on the air in the 1970's. I'm not sharing it because the butt hurt emails would pour in and I've no time for that bullshitical boo hoo right now.

G          Ah, you can always count on your best friends to make extremely inappropriate remarks and use politically incorrect humor.

R          I’m sitting here by myself in Portillos, just trying to eat my beef and cheddar croissant and you bitches are making me LOL. People are staring!!

ME      Flip them off and say, “What the FUCK are you looking at motherfucker?” and make sure to put on your crazy eyes. C wants to know why I’m laughing too and I told her that it’s because my bitches be all cray cray up in here.

R          I do possess some badass crazy eyes.

G          We were cray cray long before it was cool to be cray cray.

Just a typical Friday afternoon chit chat with me and my girls. But really this conversation wasn’t anywhere close to being over. Throughout the afternoon and evening we continued with more inappropriate nonsense, talk of kids and being crazy. Over the weekend, things were quiet. Damn kids kept us off the Facebook with their needs!

So on Monday, we picked it up again. I did a little venting about stress. As usual, my friends were supportive and generous with the xoxoxs and offers to help. I asked them to just keep me laughing. And because they are a bunch of insane and loyal girls, they did just that.

ME      Thanks for all the loving and support and letting me vent. All this is just different and weird. I have never experienced anything weirder than this, and we all know I have seen and done some weird shit.

R          So a priest, a rabbi and a lobster walk into a bar…

ME      I read the word rabbi as rabbit and thought – oh hell yeah, this is gonna be good.

T          LMAO

R          Damn, ‘cause a Jewish holy man is just never as funny as a giant talking rabbit.  Ok, so a transsexual panda walks into a bar…

ME      Yes, yes and he orders a Cosmo.

T          With a twist of lime and some bruschetta.

D         He begins hitting on a transsexual koala, and then a unicorn walks into the bar.

R          Now really, pandas only eat bamboo…this is just getting sooo unrealistic.

T          The unicorn shoots rainbows – everywhere!

R          And the unicorn says, “Help me, Koala! I’m a little HORNY!” Thankyouverymuch. Don’t forget to tip the waiters. Goodnight!

ME      Koalas are known for their crazy sex drives. Don’t ask me how I know this. It’s classified in my weird shit file of life experiences.

R          What kind of sex life do sloths and lemurs have?

ME      How weird to you think I am? A lemur? Even the Elmo puppeteer guy knows not to fuck with lemurs!

D         Wait…so the koala was the horny one?

R          NO! The unicorn says this to the koala. What did I miss? Did Zooboomafoo try to hump Elmo? What does that puppeteer know that we don’t?

The thread started early, but by 7pm when it was still going some wine and beer has been consumed. I can only guess that is why D wasn’t following what is obviously crystal clear communication as to which animal is horny.

ME      Didn’t you hear the news about how the Elmo puppeteer sex scandal? Oh, and just so you all know, unicorns shit benzodiazepines if you twist their horn counter clockwise. Truth.

T          The family is sitting here wondering why I am laughing so hard.

ME      Did you tell them it’s because your bitches be cray cray?

R          Do they shit marshmallows when you turn it clockwise?

D         No! They shit Oreos when you turn it clockwise!

ME      Yep. And they piss Skittle infused vodka if you feed them angry human toddlers. That’s something only undercover agents from Narnia know. Z (my son) has taken a part time job as an agent there. I told him that if P (S’s daughter) was making a living for herself, he could certainly get his lazy ass to work too.

R          Ahh….of course. And the pee milk for dipping the Oreos!

D         My kids need to start earing their own way too. S might not be bright enough to be a secret agent, but the kid can kick ass and C could pull it off in the intelligence department, but it a bit on the small side so they should work as a team. S is just lazy so I am planning for her to be living with me forever as long as she learns her way around the kitchen and laundry room….

R          Um…if you know your Narnia, then you realize that some of the best double agents are actually beavers. So D, I’m thinking that C’s size is perfect, but he will need to grow a flat tail. I have informed all of my children that we MAY have enough money at some point to send ONE of them to college, so they better start duking it out right now. P is earning her way, but her attitude toward school is in the shitter. I’m working on marrying A off to a wealthy Euro-trash prince of some miniscule country. So that leaves B as the lucky winner of the junior college education fund. OH – and how did I not know about unicorns eating angry human toddlers? Do they freely graze at amusement parks and Chuck E Cheese? Because that’s where you get the REALLY good toddler meltdowns.

At this point somebody said, “My beaver has acted as a double agent, but shhhh…remember that’s an ancient Chinese secret!” That someone could be anyone, but for the sake of this blog, her secret remains safe with the Facebook spies, hackers and fellow beaver double agents.

ME      Best conversation ever here.

G          LIKE EVER!

R          DOUBLE AGENT BEAVER FABULOUSNESS – HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!

So that was it for Monday. T had something to say about it this morning.

T          This was a light acid trip conversation.

G          It was filled with everything an acid trip should have – transsexual pandas, unicorns and beavers who are double agents. It was truly perfection.

ME      I want to blog it. I need to blog it.

G          I think you should. It’s just a normal conversation among lifelong besties.

T          Blog it.

D         Totally blog it.

ME      I’m blogging this bitch.

I have three reasons for sharing this kooky conversation.

The first reason I am sharing the madness with you today, is because think that so many of us feel frustrated sometimes when we can’t really DO much to help each other in times of stress. Sometimes friends are hundreds of miles apart, or juggling a massive load of responsibility at work and home, unable to even squeeze out an hour to pick up a dinner somewhere and deliver it to a friend in need. It happens you know, life is like that for busy moms. Maya Angelou famously said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will not forget how you made them feel.

My friends wanted to help me, just as I would want to help them in their time of need. We are five insanely busy moms who between us have thirteen children we have to feed, supervise and cart around to activities all the while working, going to school, volunteering and trying to keep our romantic relationship from fizzling. I knew damn well that each one of those girls would drop everything and run to my side. They have. I’ve done the same for them. But I didn’t need them to say or do anything in particular. What I needed more than anything was to feel better. I asked them to make me feel better by making me laugh and holy shit did they deliver. I am the luckiest person in the world to have such incredible friends.

The second reason I am sharing this is because maybe my friend Cathy will stop being lame and get her ass on Facebook. Yeah, you Nichols, I'm talking to YOU. 

The third reason is to share this picture of wieners in a jar that my friend Amy texted to me this morning to cheer me up. I don't think it's unreasonable to spend $10 on high quality wieners in jar, do you? Especially since they have been cured, because who wants to eat diseased wieners? 

            Make someone feel good today. Be a friend.

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