Got election day jitters? Some things YOU can do while patiently waiting to see if your guy wins

"The waaa aaaating is the hardest part!" Tom Petty

Hells yeah it is!

Patience is a virtue. It's hard to embrace this virtue on election day.Tensions are high and with good reason, electing our leaders is a big deal. Stressfuckingful, right? The waiting!

Today we as a nation will elect a man who we hope has enough virtue that he won't fuck us over once he's elected by completely sucking and revealing himself to be a virtueless douchenozzle.

If I'm being honest, I don't care who wins. I don't trust politicians. I trust America and the virtues our country was built upon, but I find it weird that the virtues of rich white dudes with wooden teeth who wore powdered wigs didn't include equal rights under the law for people of other races or women. This country has come a long way and continues to make progress toward practicing what the constitution preaches, but because so many of our elected leaders have turned out to be unreliable, crooked, lazy, backpeddling butt plugging man-whores, I can't be bothered to trust anything that comes out of their flapping yaps anymore.

But you might. Care I mean. You might care a lot. You might be jittery as a pre-pagent Honey Boo Boo all hopped up on Go-go juice.

I didn't used to posses such apathy and bitterness. Back when I wore this awesome space jumpsuit from the Kennedy Space Center, I had the faith of a child. It was 1976 and I was all over celebrating America's birthday with my family. My love of history began around this time as I was swept up in the myth of Camelot and checking out rockets. The space program President John Fitzgerald Kennedy dreamed of while he was trying not to get plutonium thrown in his eye as he fought over shovels with Castro while playing in the international sandbox was just one of the many historical awesome vacation destinations during my childhood.

(Me, my father -RIP Daddy-, & my big brother, Jack - 1976)

But seriously, let's talk about JFK, shall we? SLUT. Allegedly. As much as I love history - all history - I am unable to embrace any politician or political party because history always reveals the truth about what goes on behind the scenes at that big, white house in DC.

I have a nagging suspicion that Blue Ivy Carter was conceived in the Lincoln bedroom. Allegedly. Possibly. I mean maybe, right? Obama is tight with Jay-Z. He's got 99 problems (the economy, Iraq, Michelle riding his ass about eating broccoli), but Hollywood bitching about him ain't one.

P.S. Lincoln never slept in the Lincoln bedroom. Read about it here.

But I have digressed into a history lesson when I was trying to help distract you from your election day jitters by suggesting some fun activities and things to occupy your mind as the various media outlets ramble on all day, saying the same motherfucking thing, which is nothing, a million and fifty seven times.

If you care about all this, enough to be stressed out, YOU need something else to do today and that's where I can be of great assistance. I may not have much of that patience virtue, but I am a giver. I give and give and give. Today I'm going to slather you with my giving and helping virtue.

Here's what I want you to do first:

I'm Nicole Knepper and I approved this message. I created that message!

And so after shutting your whore mouth, the second thing you can do is to make an bitchin' 'Keep Calm' poster like I did right there. And you can do it all by yourself! There are tons of apps you can use to create inspirational and soothing messages for loved ones who need to keep calm and do other stuff specific to their individual pathology. I used Photofunia.

No matter who wins today, the man is going to be our Commander in Chief. So in order to support the dude who will have the power to keep me out of the electric chair if I end up snapping and killing someone or a bunch of someones, I decided to see who I make a cuter couple with. Barack or Mitt. I'm sure once they pardon me, they will quickly fall madly in love and give me a locket to keep with me for when we must be apart. Presidents are always on the go you know. Who do you guys think I look cuter with?

The Incumbent? Bronco Bamma?

Or Mittens the father of many boy kittens?

After you look over those locket photos and help me decide who I look the sexiest coupled in a locket with, you could go to the movies. Escaping into fantasy is a great way to distract yourself from thinking jittery election thoughts. I would go, but I'm saving my pennies for Breaking Fucking Dawn! It's no secret that I love the Twilight books and movies, but you might not realize that I have a huge lady boner that isn't gonna soften up until after I see Breaking Dawn 2-6 times in the movie theatre. If I was a vampire, I'm sure I'd be BFFs with all the Twilight Vampires.


I know, right? Glorious.

Another fun thing you can do to keep calm and distract yourself is to get your drink on!


Booze, not blood, unless you are a vampire and in that case, drink the blood of someone who is drunk. On election day, nobody cares if you start on the sauce early. I am throwing back a few beverages right now in fact, but only because I'm doing some important research. Don't tell anyone, but I'm developing a special alcoholic beverage for parents who have to deal with lice. I've put in a few calls to people who owe me favors and I think have enough grain alcohol, food coloring and Xanax to create just the right mixture to get a bitch through the brutal process of de-buggin.

See my picture will be on the label? It's there to inspire others to drink away the disgust and dreadful feelings that accompany the reality of having hundreds of blood sucking bugs crawling all over your crib.

Shhhhh....remember. Don't tell! I want it to be a surprise.

One thing I DO know it that no matter who wins, like most Americans who are struggling financially, yet spending money on frivolous tomfoolery like Starbucks and tanning beds, I'm getting me another tattoo! Of course I'll just charge it if I don't have the cash. That's just what American's do when we can't afford shit. If we want it, we get it goddammit!

Another fun thing YOU could do today that will distract you from election woes is to spend time sketching your dream tattoo. Want to see the magnificent tat I'm definitely getting?

That's a sweet, sweet image of me and my dachshund, Holly. The vet tells me that her pooping problem is more of an emotional than a behavioral. She's a reactive pooper, which means if I'm get all worked up in a lather over the election, she will sense it and shit under the piano bench. So you see, this is just another reason I'm keeping myself occupied throughout the day today with so many activities.

Man, each time I look at those locket work ups, I realize that I make a very handsome couple with both of the candidates. If I was basing my vote on who I looked the best with, there would be no WAY I could ever decide! You could gaze at them for awhile if you feel yourself getting tense, but if you are undecided about who to vote for today, don't expect the lockets to help you decide.

You could stress eat. Eating makes all problems disappear. The more you eat, the better you feel. Food is love. Now I'm not going to do that, because I could end up looking like this.

Sure I still look adorable, but I'm not known for my attention to hygiene, and keeping all those crevices clean would require a lot more effort that I'm willing to make. I'd rather be sitting around drinking wine and looking at my new lamp that I purchased at half price at the Museum of Science and Industry in Chicago.

My husband was all like, "Why did you buy that thing and what the hell is it?"

And I was all, "Because it was originally $30 and it was half price and it's made of some very rare rock that there are only 50,000 lamps made from it. STOP HARASSING ME YOU ASSHOLE!"

And that's the last thing I suggest you do today to distract yourself from worrying that your candidate won't be the guy on Air Force One who gets rakes in millions of dollars from special interest groups - PICK FIGHTS!

I don't care who you pick 'em with, but if you do choose your spouse for fight picking, you will probably need to kiss and make up later, which is another way to distract yourself. Do the nasty. Have hate sex, make up sex or just sex in general. If you are as lucky as I am, you could get a good 6 1/2 minutes of blissful relief from the bullshitical and irritating news personalities and their 'fair and balanced' and unbiased reporting.

I hope this has been helpful. This is me hugging you and you hugging me. Happy Election Day and gods bless America.

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