The letter I would WANT to send home about LICE if I were the school principal

If THIS letter went home with your kid - would there be any misunderstanding? I think not. If I was in charge, this is the letter I'd want to write AND send home. Enjoy................

September 6, 2012

Dear Parents/Guardians,

We are sending this letter to all parents to help educate you about head lice so that you can take steps at home to help prevent your child from contracting head lice. But it's not that simple. This is also a formal way to beg those of you who aren't doing your due diligence at home to get rid of it and stop sending your infested kid to school with it to get your shit together.

Sure, we all know that head lice don’t spread disease and are not a serious medial condition, but GODDAMN if it doesn’t feel like the plague, right? Those stubborn little fuckers are tricky, opportunistic and crawl faster than an unsupervised baby towards an exposed live wire.

Lice can’t jump, fly or swim and they can’t survive on pets (so they say), but we all know that kids don’t seem to have a fucking clue about physical boundaries and are always all up in each other’s personal space and that's how kids are spreading the bugs around at school. If you tell a kid NOT to do something, that thing is the first fucking thing they do, right? RIGHT? At school we are telling them not to share brushes, hats, hair bands or personal items, and what do you think they do five seconds after the talk? HEAD-BUTT EACH OTHER and try on each other’s hats. I know you understand. I'm sure they act like oppositional little shits at home too.

I think we can all agree that we would all have better luck stapling running water to a slab of ice than to get kids to follow directions, but we can’t give up on you, the parents. We need your help. I know you think it’s easier for us to deal with problems like lice as well as your kids daily bullshit because we get paid, but you are wrong. It may not cost us in cash dollars, but your little fuck trophy is only one of 30 kids in a classroom. The cost of handling 30 or more kids just like your crotchfruit or worse, all day, every day, having to be fair, appropriate, patient and encouraging is HUGE. How can we do all that AND make sure they don't get hair bugs from the kid standing next to them in line for chicken nuggets in the cafeteria?

Right, we fucking can't. So let’s just stop playing the tit for tat game and work together like mature grown up parents to eradicate these little fucking hair bugs on each of our own turf, okay?

I hate sending this letter home week after week, year after year. I know it’s the first week of school and you are all like, DUDE – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? I just got the whiny little bastards out of my house after dealing with their shit day in and day out during the hottest summer on record since 1995. I hear ya. I really do, but forgive me if I beg you NOT to shoot the messenger.

At the risk of minimizing your upset and invalidating your feelings about the bug alert and making myself sounds like a total pussy in the process, I have to say that your stress is nothing compared to what I deal with every damn day as the administrator of this school. Some of you are helpful and understanding, but there are a good lot of you who are out of your fucking minds. I have to sit with my thumb up my ass, listening to you bitch about whatever the complaint of the day happens to be. Just a few weeks ago I had no less than 50 of you idiots crying about the shitty teacher assigned to your child this year.

It’s not even October and I’ve already stepped up my nightly ritual of drinking a six pack of light beer to a dozen jiggers of hard liquor. You people are tough to please, but you don't see me getting all up in your face and barking back at you when I'm not happy, do you? NO! I'm a fucking professional. So I’m asking you to do me a solid. I work my ass off, we all do here at the schoolhouse and if we weren’t around, you’d have to deal with your children year round. I’m just asking you to do some really important shit right fucking NOW, so that both of us can breathe a little easier as the school year progresses.

First of all, IF your kid has lice – keep him/her home. JESUS CHRIST, DON’T SEND THEM HERE! I don’t care what you use to kill those nasty little bloodsuckers, just fucking kill them. ALL OF THEM. Don’t rush through the process. I highly recommend drinking as many alcoholic beverages as you need to settle yourself down while you pick, wash, comb and murder every last nit and bug crawling on your spawn.

Next, you need to UNDERSTAND that killing off the creepy crawlers on your kid’s melon does NOT mean that you are done. I will repeat this. YOU ARE NOT DONE. Not by a long shot. You have to literally boil the shit out of your linens, vacuum the beds, furniture and whatever the fuck else your kid has been near. Basically you have to scour your house from floor to ceiling, and put whatever you can’t boil or bleach in plastic bags for days in order to suffocate the tricky little motherfuckers. Lice are stronger than those vampires in "Twilight."

It’s a lot of work and you aren’t in the clear for a good three weeks after you fumigate your crib. THREE FUCKING WEEKS! You have got to keep your peepers open all year in fact. Lice is as common in the grade schools as naked text photos are on the cell phones of high school kids. Don't even get me started talking about the debauchery and dysfunction in the junior high!

I don’t give a rat’s ass if your mom or your cousin Shirley’s sister Barbara told you something different about treating and preventing lice that contradicts the information we are sending home. BARBARA IS IGNORANT! She might not realize it, but she is also a total asshole for spreading lies and misinformation. The Barbaras of this world are one of the main reasons people aren't doing what they should be doing to treat and prevent the spread of lice. She doesn’t know shit about shit and needs to be silenced. If you can’t punch her in the throat to shut her up, at least ignore the crazy bitch, okay? The Centers for Disease Control folks may be assholes, I don’t know them personally, but at least they aren’t ignorant. They know about diseases and bugs and whatever kind of nasty thing you need to learn about, and trust me, having kids will guarantee that you will need to learn about all kinds of horrible-ness.

Seriously people, LOOK AT SHIT! DO YOU WANT THESE CRAWLING ON YOUR KID OR YOURSELF??!!??!

Just to be sure you are adequately mortified and motivated, you will be dealing with THIS if you don't get with the goddamn program!

So, click on this link and read everything. Don’t skim, read. If you kid did that, you’d be all – hey, stop doing everything half ass – so set a good example for crying out loud. Take notes, make sure you get the info, because you can’t just flick these little fuckers away like dandruff or kill them by putting Mayo on your kid’s head for an hour while he/she watches a few episodes of “Family Guy.”

LINK TO CDC for information about treating and preventing Head Lice.

If you look at the word, principal, you’ll notice the word “pal” there at the end. I AM your pal and I'd like YOU to be my pal too. All I’m asking is that you help me out by doing your part. The response I get after sending letters like this home sucks more than listening to you complain about how your child isn’t a rude little jackass, but actually a gifted and talented mind that isn’t being challenged by his shitty teacher. If you all don't do your thing at home and quit sending your lice infested spawn back here to re-infect his/her class, what the fuck can I really DO for you? Well, there is something.

Because I AM your pal, I am enclosing coupons for buy one get one free 12-packs of Miller Lite, boxed wines (white or red) and various whiskey blends, bourbons and distilled spirits from our local liquor depot. I realize the idea of having thousands of vampire bugs crawling all over your kid and crib is terribly upsetting, therefore I’m just doing my part to make the whole process just a little easier. If you find yourself too intoxicated to make a run to the drug store to buy more cleaning supplies, I am also enclosing a list of designated driver phone numbers of women from the PTA who have generously donated their services to the school in lieu of having to participate in the fall fundraiser.

Sincerely,

Gal Smiley, PhD
PrinciPAL at Every school

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