Cancer is the biggest douche bag ever.
I’m serious. It’s totes an opportunistic prick. I don’t know anyone who disagrees.
If cancer were a cereal, it would be ass flakes. If cancer were a plant, it would be a hybrid poison ivy type of thing that smells worse than egg farts poofed through a dog breath filter.
While you were reading that disgusting hate blurb, another child will have been diagnosed with cancer.
And THAT is why I am super committed to gathering up some girls who just wanna (wait for it) - RAISE FUNDS!
It’s going to be more fun and less expensive than watching “Magic Mike” with a $500 bucket of movie theatre popcorn event!
A St. Baldrick’s event where you and your posse of bitches can come out and have fun and NOT shave your head, yet still raise money to buy bats for a cancer beat down.
And I’ll be there.
Fine, naked under my clothes, but clean. I plan to rip out some Carly Rae Jepson tunes AND possibly a duet of “Leather and Lace,” with Rick Springfield. Okay fine, Rick Springfield hasn’t returned my calls, but I have my neighbor Santiago on stand-by, and that mofo knows someone who knows a girl who talked to William Shatner once. I really think maybe he can find her and then she can find Bill (I call him Bill. Most of his friends do, and although I don't know him personally, I think he and I would be pals so I'm going for it).
I am working to publicize and super-size the inaugural “Girls Night Out to Conquer Kids’ Cancer” fundraiser for the St. Baldrick’s Foundation at Gordon Biersch – Bolingbrook on September 4, 2012. The St. Baldrick’s Foundation currently funds more in research grants than anyone outside the US Government, and your donation will help us raise money to continue this outstanding progress.
Our event will include a number of fundraisers, including door prizes (most prizes valued $5 - $25, some larger), a Jewelry ‘Grab Bag” (premier prizes valued at $50 +), and raffles / silent auctions (higher valued items / gift baskets). We hope that YOU can support our efforts with a donation of whatever you got.
I got a lock of Michelle Obama’s hair that we will be taking bids for. Don’t ask how I got it. It’s just too dangerous to discuss. Just know that it had nothing to do with my billion year contract with Scientology or my VERY close ties to the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
Need ideas? Well, I personally am donating my services. You can bid on a fabul-awesome a package of six buzzed on cheap wine and dressed up as famous nerds from history square dancing lessons. The bids on this raffle prize are clearly going to eclipse all others, but that’s the kind of gal I am. I give. I’m a giver.
Mom blogger/authors Scary Mommy, Jill Smokler, and Robin O’Bryant of Robin’s Chicks are both donating autographed copies of their hilarious books. I’m trying to get a signed copy of “Bossy pants,” by Tina Fey, but with the restraining order and all, it’s downright difficult for me to even get good video of her making pancakes these days. But I’m not giving up.
Be inspired! There are so many things to give.
Are you a photographer? How about a photo session for a family?
Are you a massage therapist, hair stylist, owner of a hot yoga and donut gym? A free month of donut yoga would be rad.
Do you own a bar or a restaurant? How about a gift certificate for some drinks and eats?
Do you even know how bad ass the buzzed nerdy square dancing can be? And I'm sure someone owns a donut yoga studio, or a pastry pilates parlor.
And all you ladies who sell goodies like jewelry; candles, food, B.O.B.s (remember to include batteries) and hot wax crotch waxings could really put together a valuable gift basket.
I’m planning to getting piss drunk at Chelio’s Pub and Grille in Geneva and stapling myself to a table until someone calls him and tells him that we NEED an autographed picture of him dying Easter Eggs with Mike Ditka wearing lady bug boots (that was for you Mary Tyler Mom).
I’m not fucking around! I’ll do it.
Since its inception in 2000, St. Baldrick’s has raised more than $146 million for the cause. Worldwide 160,000 kids are diagnosed with cancer each year and despite tremendous progress, cancer remains the #1 disease killer of children in the U.S. and Canada.
St. Baldrick’s research grants help fill crucial funding gaps at medical institutions where children are treated for cancer, ensuring the finest care for every child. The Foundation awards fellowships and career development awards to train and develop the best new childhood cancer specialists, funds specific research and infrastructure grants at institutions focusing on childhood cancer research and provided resources to more than 200 institutions engaged in cooperative research, helping enroll thousands of new children in clinical trials.
Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com if you have any questions. Please only send nude photos if they include you dressed up your favorite plushy or as a character from “Twilight.” I will be in touch as soon as possible to answer your questions and confirm your commitment.
In the meantime, to learn more about St. Baldrick’s please visit the website at http://www.StBaldricks.org
Help me help St. Baldrick's in their mission to Conquer Kids’ Cancer!