How to be a worry free mom

There are some days when it’s just not easy to be at home with kids. And before some nit-picky, angry, lunatic skips to the comment section to ask me why I had kids if I was just going to complain about them, let me take a moment to say to that person, “Fuck you,” and “Go Away.”

This is a humor blog.

With swear words.

And large amounts of tomfoolery and offensive content.

And this is you:

Moving on.

So like I was saying, sometimes it’s rough. There are days that feel like weeks, and this is even more of a true statement when it’s roasting hot outside and the kids are at each other’s throats and I have a ton of work to do. I don’t just love teachers because they are fantastic, I love them because having my kids in school all day makes it possible for me to work from home and not have to pay for child care during the school year. I don’t make enough dough to pay for full time child care, so summer is a tricky time for me. Working from home in the summer sucks.

SUCKS.

I just want to play and cavort and gallivant, but alas, I cannot. I have to find a way to work and entertain and clean and whatever else comes up, all the while trying to make sure my kids aren't sitting around all the time rotting their brains on the internets. Child care is expensive and since I don’t make enough right now to pay for the quality child care I need, I must juggle like a pro. And before some bitchy, judgmental, Debbie Downer type skips to the comment section to ask me why I had kids if I can’t afford to take care of them properly, let me take a moment to say, “Fuck you,” and “Go Away.”

SERIOUSLY KNOCK IT OFF!

Go look at that picture of yourself that I posted at the beginning of the blog.

It's so you.

So today I decided that I’d just have some fun instead of letting frustration get the best of me. Of course I have fun every single day, but today I really decided to have extra fun, throw all caution to the wind and stop worrying about stuff I can’t do anything about like getting too fat like this:

And anyhow my hero J.K. Rowling said this:

I'm sure she said it, because I read it on the internet. Also if a person makes a poster with a quote on it and posts it on Pinterest, you can be sure that it's between 55.45% and 72.97% true. I know it ain't no five sigma, but I like those odds. Which makes me worry less about posting it.

No worries!

So I won't worry about how many of these I eat later:

CUPCAKES MOTHERFUCKERS!

Gluten free too and I'm going to frost the shit out of them later when they cool.

Nope. Ain't gonna worry.

Instead I decided to look at pictures on Pinterest with my daughter, who wanted to look up Disney Princesses and we came across this one:

I KNOW, RIGHT?

And see what I mean about the brain rotting internets? Who new that a search for sweet Disney stuff would lead to a deep thinking query about why feet might be more interesting to a mermaid turned human than seeing her vag? So much to worry about. But I'm not gonna do that. Instead I choose to focus on the fun of it and acknowledge that it's actually a very thoughtful question.

I wondered that exact same thing about a million times. I also wondered how Edward the sparkly vampire in “Twilight” could handle being around Bella when she was having tomato pants without ripping her pouty fucking face off. It’s refreshing to know others think as deeply as I do. I'm not alone in my twisty-pervy-wrong-ness and THAT is good too. It's one less thing to worry about.

RIGHT?

I’m also not going to worry time is just ticking away too fast and I might end up looking like this:

I mean why worry when I use a metric fuck ton of sunscreen, don't smoke cigarettes and use Crisco as moisturizer? I HOPE I get that old someday so that I can be a huge-mongous burden to my kids. So what if I look like that right? I'll be riding around bothering them on this tricked out bitch!

Behold the power of positive thinking! Which reminds me that I made those delicious gluten free cupcakes and shit.

It's true!

Saying "And shit," after whatever I'm saying does make everything I'm saying sound absolutely thug-tastic....and shit!

See?

I am just having fun, fun, funny, fun, fun and feeling completely worry free. In the spirit of fun, I farted around on the internets and such while researching an article I’m trying to write and I found that glorious someecard along with a few other magnificent things. Like this:

I KNOW, RIGHT?

You are welcome. But in the spirit and full disclosure, I know for a fact that he prefers to be nibbled lightly on his beefcake shoulders. Nibble, nibble, nibble! I just want you to have success in case you meet him on a grassy wooded area playing catch with his dead brother, on a sailboat, or a beach, in a musical comedy with John Travolta dressed in drag, or letting Nicole Kidman pee on him or just in a silly old high school musical.

I also came across these:

Ehrmagerd! FART PANTS!

Fascinating.

I'm buying them for my husband for Christmas as a gag gift. A gift for me so that I don't gag as much when I'm around him when he's farty fartish. Another thing NOT to worry about. This means I have HIS Christmas shopping done halfway done!

Oh, and since I'm talking about Christmas gifts and celebrating success with bazinga-ness, it reminded me that I want this so bad that I would even eat a head cheese sandwich slathered in cottage cheese to have it. And that is saying a lot, because that would worry me, eating head cheese especially, and as I said, I'm all about not worrying. I want that life sized SHELDON more than Veruca Salt wants an Oompa Loompa.

He will keep me company when the kids go back to school. I shall sing him many rounds of "Soft Kitty." I would also VERY much like my own Oompa Loompa. VERY MUCH SO!

Since I was feeling worry free and quite proud of my cupcaking and holiday shopping successes, I decided to farty fart around a bit myself and so I dressed up my dog like Tinkerbell.

Because I'm all about fun and she loves to dress up for a nap.

And before you get all weepy and animal rights whack a doodle about the dog in Build a Bear clothes you should know two things:

1) Fuck you.

2) Go Away.

For those of you that understand this clusterfuck, I hope this briefly helped you have fun and stop worrying....and shit.

Comments

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  • fb_avatar

    Seriously, this is why I totally have a crush on you!! I haven't laughed this hard since the dino porn post :-) Can't wait to show hubs this one so I can read over his shoulder and laugh my ass off again whilst he looks at me like I'm a fucking moron.

  • In reply to Amy Shield:

    oooooooooooo thank you. and did you text your hubs the dino porn? if not, try it. if that doesn't work, try your feet. after that i'm out of ideas. xoxoxox

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    In reply to Nicole Knepper:

    I did text him the dino porn and he giggled his ass off like a school girl...I loved it :) You're simply the best...and shit!

  • This was awesome! Thank you so much for making me laugh on a day where I want to tell the world "fuck you" and "go away." I totes love you.

  • In reply to SLMama:

    thank YOU for reading and tell the world that AFTER you dress up a house pet and pin some shit on Pinterest. xo

  • HA! Love this ALL as much as I love you and your dog dressed as Tinkerbell!

  • In reply to Vickiesb:

    awwwwwwww thanks vickie. i mean it. thanks for taking time to read and comment. smooch.

  • fb_avatar

    Thank you for the enjoyable giggly digression. BTW, my hubby laughed at the dino porn and didn't get hot until I mentioned the position. Not sure if that's good or bad.

    Now Fuck you and Go away, I have to work .....and shit.

  • This post was EPIC.

  • fb_avatar

    Omfg, I haven't laughed this hard AND peed this much in the same time since I don't know when!! I'm a stay at home mom going back to college at 40yrs old and the youngest of my kids is 4 1/2yrs. old, while my bff is a career mom, works 40hrs. a week and her youngest is gonna be 11 or 12...Anywho, my bff and I would worship you if we didn't already know that there was a God, but then again, no one's ever SEEN him right? It could be a "HER" and it could be "YOU", but since we're not the types to get all technical about shit like that, we'd rather just hang out witcha sometime...have a couple glasses of wine (or something that makes us laugh ~ not that you're not funny, but it should reflect the experience we're having) and just listen to you talk for an hour or so....I swear on all that's holy (and that's ALOT according to the USA Today's article I just read) that it would be like soooooooo cool and we can rag on whoever you want :) Hell, it could even be MY kid; i don't care....it's all good as long as we're all laughing, right? <<And if not, then we were mistakenly directed to your site while looking for the "Always be a June Cleaver and Never Have Any Fucking Fun page...and Shit" and I apologize :( Rock on, love ~ you give us hope that there's more to life than underwear with shit skids and cleaning ice cream sundae puke off of the driveway when the Softee guy gives too much syrup on a hot day :) We bow to you, gf!

  • fb_avatar

    I have ALWAYS wondered how mermaids have sex. Always! I'm so glad to know that there are other people out there who worry about these important issues, too...

  • fb_avatar

    @ Amy! Yeah I agree I now have a total girl crush on Nicole! I'm not worthy!!!! Bazinga - Ok now I need to go change my depends! PMSL (just learned what that one meant, ha ha) @NewGirl#

  • OMG, those pictures of you scared the HELL out of me!! This post was so schizophrenic but brilliant. I love your brain. Will you marry me and bear my children?!

  • fb_avatar

    Didn't think any post could get funnier than "dino-porn" but I was mistaken, you have outdone yourself...BAZINGA (I almost peeped my fucking pants )!

  • fb_avatar

    Thanks for the laugh. Could really have used it yesterday, but will take it today. Never, ever thought about mermaid sex, but now will have to rewatch that horrid Daryl Hannah movie and ponder the idea. I love the J.K. Rowling's quote...may print it out and hang it up as a reminder of what really matters. And, thanks to you, I will also have 1/2 my Christmas shopping for the hubs done. You have done a tremendous public service today. Thank you...and shit.

  • fb_avatar
    In reply to Lisa Rich:

    wouldn't mermaids have sex just like dolphins do? and if so, wouldn't Ariela already *have* a vag, or something like it, thus making the feet entirely more interesting?

  • I didn't think I could love you any more - until this. You are my favorite bullshitter - and shit!!

  • fb_avatar

    oh my god this is the BEST blog I think I've read in a LONG time! just so you know - I had a sex dream about one of the men you posted and it WASN'T the hotty beef cake. One clue: bazinga. Seriously! I almost woke up laughing! Me & Sheldon - it was bizarre to say the least!

    Thanks for good laughs! I have 3 at home but thankfully don't *need* another income right now so when the screaming and "I want I want I want" get out of control, I fart around on the internets and read your blog, among others. So many people out there are totally scanning my brain and blogging what they find!

    Totally in a place now where "fuck you" and "go away" have been doing the tango in my head! Thanks for putting them out there in the spotlight where they can really strut their stuff! :-)

  • fb_avatar

    PS - to those who *would* say something stupid like "well why did you HAVE children..." I say - because I didn't have a crystal ball and had no idea what I was getting in to! Because Johnson & Johnson can suck it for creating that "A Baby Changes Everything" campaign to make people think having a baby is all rainbows & unicorns. Because I got duped you asshat, now quit judging how I handle the situation and STFU! Please. :-)

  • Hilarious. My friend,and writing partner, "Cranberry Blogs" (not on twitter yet, or fb) is sitting in a Boston waiting room for Moh's surgery and laughing her ass off at your blog. And I will take the credit, thank you very much, because I found it!!
    Though she is not a mom--she considers herself a "childless, plantless, petless freak"-she digs your style. We love people who swaaayaah (that's "swear" in a Boston accent."
    I wish we could all drink beey

  • ....oops....

    ...drink beeyaah, and observe disappointing human behavior.

    Your 2 new friends (for life),
    Cranberry Blogs and California Whiner

  • You are so ridiculous. Your opening assault paragraph was perfect literature as far as I can see. And I loved the way you used it as a springboard to make the whole entry cohesive. Blah. Blah. Blah.

    It would be "ermahgerd fehrt pehrnts."

    I am so glad my daughter told me about this blog. You seem so real. Maybe you even are.

    Did you get some rain in your neighborhood? We got hours last night and the lightning behind the drive-in movie screen was amazing for two and a half hours.

  • fb_avatar

    You are my new hero...

    I work from home also and it is a daily pain in the ass trying to keep the kids entertained and out of my hair long enough to make my minimum wages. Nice to hear I'm not alone.

    P.S. My husband LOVED the dino porn!

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