There are some days when it’s just not easy to be at home with kids. And before some nit-picky, angry, lunatic skips to the comment section to ask me why I had kids if I was just going to complain about them, let me take a moment to say to that person, “Fuck you,” and “Go Away.”
This is a humor blog.
With swear words.
And large amounts of tomfoolery and offensive content.
And this is you:
So like I was saying, sometimes it’s rough. There are days that feel like weeks, and this is even more of a true statement when it’s roasting hot outside and the kids are at each other’s throats and I have a ton of work to do. I don’t just love teachers because they are fantastic, I love them because having my kids in school all day makes it possible for me to work from home and not have to pay for child care during the school year. I don’t make enough dough to pay for full time child care, so summer is a tricky time for me. Working from home in the summer sucks.
I just want to play and cavort and gallivant, but alas, I cannot. I have to find a way to work and entertain and clean and whatever else comes up, all the while trying to make sure my kids aren't sitting around all the time rotting their brains on the internets. Child care is expensive and since I don’t make enough right now to pay for the quality child care I need, I must juggle like a pro. And before some bitchy, judgmental, Debbie Downer type skips to the comment section to ask me why I had kids if I can’t afford to take care of them properly, let me take a moment to say, “Fuck you,” and “Go Away.”
SERIOUSLY KNOCK IT OFF!
Go look at that picture of yourself that I posted at the beginning of the blog.
It's so you.
So today I decided that I’d just have some fun instead of letting frustration get the best of me. Of course I have fun every single day, but today I really decided to have extra fun, throw all caution to the wind and stop worrying about stuff I can’t do anything about like getting too fat like this:
And anyhow my hero J.K. Rowling said this:
I'm sure she said it, because I read it on the internet. Also if a person makes a poster with a quote on it and posts it on Pinterest, you can be sure that it's between 55.45% and 72.97% true. I know it ain't no five sigma, but I like those odds. Which makes me worry less about posting it.
So I won't worry about how many of these I eat later:
Gluten free too and I'm going to frost the shit out of them later when they cool.
Nope. Ain't gonna worry.
Instead I decided to look at pictures on Pinterest with my daughter, who wanted to look up Disney Princesses and we came across this one:
I KNOW, RIGHT?
And see what I mean about the brain rotting internets? Who new that a search for sweet Disney stuff would lead to a deep thinking query about why feet might be more interesting to a mermaid turned human than seeing her vag? So much to worry about. But I'm not gonna do that. Instead I choose to focus on the fun of it and acknowledge that it's actually a very thoughtful question.
I wondered that exact same thing about a million times. I also wondered how Edward the sparkly vampire in “Twilight” could handle being around Bella when she was having tomato pants without ripping her pouty fucking face off. It’s refreshing to know others think as deeply as I do. I'm not alone in my twisty-pervy-wrong-ness and THAT is good too. It's one less thing to worry about.
I’m also not going to worry time is just ticking away too fast and I might end up looking like this:
I mean why worry when I use a metric fuck ton of sunscreen, don't smoke cigarettes and use Crisco as moisturizer? I HOPE I get that old someday so that I can be a huge-mongous burden to my kids. So what if I look like that right? I'll be riding around bothering them on this tricked out bitch!
Behold the power of positive thinking! Which reminds me that I made those delicious gluten free cupcakes and shit.
Saying "And shit," after whatever I'm saying does make everything I'm saying sound absolutely thug-tastic....and shit!
I am just having fun, fun, funny, fun, fun and feeling completely worry free. In the spirit of fun, I farted around on the internets and such while researching an article I’m trying to write and I found that glorious someecard along with a few other magnificent things. Like this:
I KNOW, RIGHT?
You are welcome. But in the spirit and full disclosure, I know for a fact that he prefers to be nibbled lightly on his beefcake shoulders. Nibble, nibble, nibble! I just want you to have success in case you meet him on a grassy wooded area playing catch with his dead brother, on a sailboat, or a beach, in a musical comedy with John Travolta dressed in drag, or letting Nicole Kidman pee on him or just in a silly old high school musical.
I also came across these:
Ehrmagerd! FART PANTS!
I'm buying them for my husband for Christmas as a gag gift. A gift for me so that I don't gag as much when I'm around him when he's farty fartish. Another thing NOT to worry about. This means I have HIS Christmas shopping done halfway done!
Oh, and since I'm talking about Christmas gifts and celebrating success with bazinga-ness, it reminded me that I want this so bad that I would even eat a head cheese sandwich slathered in cottage cheese to have it. And that is saying a lot, because that would worry me, eating head cheese especially, and as I said, I'm all about not worrying. I want that life sized SHELDON more than Veruca Salt wants an Oompa Loompa.
He will keep me company when the kids go back to school. I shall sing him many rounds of "Soft Kitty." I would also VERY much like my own Oompa Loompa. VERY MUCH SO!
Since I was feeling worry free and quite proud of my cupcaking and holiday shopping successes, I decided to farty fart around a bit myself and so I dressed up my dog like Tinkerbell.
Because I'm all about fun and she loves to dress up for a nap.
And before you get all weepy and animal rights whack a doodle about the dog in Build a Bear clothes you should know two things:
1) Fuck you.
2) Go Away.
For those of you that understand this clusterfuck, I hope this briefly helped you have fun and stop worrying....and shit.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Tags: Bazinga, Build-a-Bear Workshop, Dachschunds, Debbie Downer, Don't worry be happy, Dressing up your dog, Early Christmas shopping, Gluten Free cupcakes, How to get your worries under control, Moms who drink and swear, Motorized shopping carts, Nicole Knepper, Twilight, What do on summer break if you are bored, Zac Efton