How I got my husband hooked on dinosaur porn

Somehow my husband and I manage to stay married, which is pretty lucky seeing as we were very young and basically just thought each other to be hot and funny.

I didn’t consider money, clearly, since he majored in education and wanted to be a Lutheran school teacher. I didn’t think about how his delicious genetic make- up would make for a fine baby, because I knew MY genetics would ruin any off spring we might make if we melded our seeds and anyhow, when I agreed to marry him, I told him that I did NOT want children. I just liked him a lot and knew that I’d enjoy being with him. That was enough.

Obviously I can't speak for him, but I would have married me for the boobs alone. They were spectacular!

20 years later, we are still surviving the shit storms of married life and trying our best. I feel sorry for him sometimes because I am the most annoying person on the planet and I don’t think he really realized this when he married me. He knew I was what he calls, “touched,” and “a little off,” but I’m sure he didn’t realize the extent of it.

And my boobs did NOT hold up. Not at all.

When he asked my dad if he could marry me, my dad said, “Do you know what you are getting into?” --True story. But we were dumb kids in love. We are now dumb adults in love. Sometimes. Other times we want to smother each other or kick each other in the neck. It’s especially hard since he is quiet and practically catatonic and I am a super spastic infused blabber face who cannot sit still. Two people could not be more different.

Aside from the fact that we live in the same house and have a couple of kids together, we literally have nothing else in common.

I read instead of watching T.V. He watches T.V. instead of reading.

I can hardly add and subtract and he does Sudoku for fun.

I write for a living. He is a professional math nerd.

I can’t stop moving and he could sleep round the clock.

He’s religious and I’m SO not.

He listens to talk radio. I listen to music.

We are like a cheesy pop song, or a sitcom about opposites. It’s ridiculous. He’s tall and I’m short. He’s dark, greasy and hairy and I’m blonde, dry and could be mistaken for a naked mole rat. I remember everything and know where stuff is and one time he actually lost his own butt and I had to help him find it.

But we both have a sense of humor.

Before we had kids, we would grocery shop together. He would grab the super plus box of tampons and some prunes and yell, “Hey, I found plugs for heavy flow and prunes for your bowels!” Or he’d pretend to cry by the greeting cards. Sometimes he'd smack me on the head with a value pack of toliet paper and yell, "Mommy, this will feel yummy on my bottom!" doing his best Lennie Small impression. To this day he adds butt plugs and nipple clamps on every single grocery list, even if we are in a four day fight. Our song is “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” because we hate it so much.

He dances for like Forrest Gump on benzos. He’s allergic to cats and he HATES them.

Class of 1988 best dancer and cat lover here.

I’m sure our story is not uncommon. So we do what we can to keep it together, knowing that we have similar goals and that we have weathered some serious terribleness and tribulations that would completely annihilate some marriages. I think this is why:

No response. This is usually the case. But it doesn’t stop me from text bombing him whenever I feel like it.

Like this:

Again no response. His sister gave me money that was for him and he speaks cash dollar fluently and passionately. And then I tried fireworks. He loves fireworks.

Nada.

And today I had to text him after I scored some serious win at the going out of business sale at Strack and Van Til.

As usual, the rat bastard didn't respond. I went to text him back and noticed that I sent the Gas X picture to the father of one of my son's friends. My bad!

My dad was so right about me.

So I gave it another shot.

The image on top is a baster. Not a bastard, but a baster. The kind of thing you use on meaty meat or to artificially inseminate yourself with the sperm of a professional athlete or your gay BFF.

And he actually responded!

As usual I got myself in a tizzy over the attention and I decided to do an experiment. One of the moms who drink and swear ladies, Katy, said that her husband actually ignored THIS magnificent textual image she sent him:

I find her husband’s lack of response confusing and unacceptable. And then I wondered if my husband would do the same. So I sent it to him. I decided that if he didn’t respond, I would consider divorce. He’s been ignoring my texts for too long. The Gas X response was an unexpected win. My feet, money, and fireworks were all fails. A girl can only take so much rejection! I needed to see if were were textually compatible. This would be the deciding factor.

We will celebrate 18 years of marriage this month. ROOOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!

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  • fb_avatar

    I am seriously crying with laughter. My husband does the same damn thing, I'll have to try the dino porn. Thanks for yet another laugh today!!

  • In reply to Amy Shield:

    do it do it do it. send him the t-rex screwing. it works!

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    I am in MWDAS love. My fiancee never responds to my texts either. Maybe I will send him some dino porn, because he might leave me if I texted him my feet.

  • In reply to Nyckie Downs:

    TEXT HIM YOUR FEET! do it. don't marry him if he doesn't love it.

  • fb_avatar

    lmao, I'D leave me if I actually looked at my own feet.

  • In reply to Nyckie Downs:

    i have hobbit feet, but true love can overcome. trust me. text him your feet. or your boobs. either way, it's the effort that counts.

  • I texted my husband the dino porn. His reply "It is so on tonight!" I married me a keeper!

  • In reply to Ana K:

    total keeper. i mean it. he "gets" you.

  • I owe you a buttload of props for the 60% off wine tip at S&VT. I was literally crying like a newly married bitch while stroking the Merlot bottles. My daughter has since disowned me. But now I can get my drunk on for awhile. Thanks Nikki!

  • In reply to Tara Scalzo:

    seriously girl, i am so here for you and glad you made it there. was there any toothpaste left? oh how i SCORED on the toothpaste!

  • fb_avatar

    OMG! I think we must be related. You just kinda described my life and my husband. We've been together 16 1/2 years and married for 7 and have a 15 and a 13 year old. He thought Iwould be a good lay and look where it got him! I am so sending him the dino porn!!

  • In reply to Kylee HOlzer:

    kylee, if you don't laugh, you will just sob for the rest of your life. xo

  • fb_avatar

    I am literally crying from laughing so hard...btw I am at work so I am trying to laugh as quiet as possible which is not really working! My office mate must think I am high as a kite LOL! You are so damn funny and I am thankful I found your blog about a month ago. I look forward to your posts on my timeline daily. I tell every chick I know to follow you. I have a 13 year old boy (stinky), 8 1/2 year old girl (sweet as pie) and a 3 year old girl (she is nut-so). I can really relate to so many of your posts and I appreciated the breaks in my day to laugh....so thank you! Also if we lived in the same city I know we would be BFF's #cheezysitcom :-)

  • I can't get my husband to turn his phone ON! But maybe this is what he's afraid of. ;-)

  • fb_avatar

    OMGGG!!!! If only my husband would get a cell phone and then I'd have to get him to text!! I must remember to put depends seeing how my oldest ripped my bladder away from my uterus and now I pee my self every time I laugh which happens damn near every time I read your blogs/posts!! Hmmm...I think I over shared again!! Oh well lol!!

  • fb_avatar

    Hahahahaaaa!!! In tears. I am testing this out on my bf as we speak. Awe. Some.

  • fb_avatar

    Hilarious blog post, as usual. I also have an extreme hatred of that ridiculous song, "Breakfast at Tiffany's" and I want to rip off my ears whenever I have the misfortune of hearing it.

  • I'd totally respond to your texts. I think your foot is adorable. Maybe we should be married. My hubs and I fight too much anyway.
    Happy anniversary, lady! xoxo

  • fb_avatar

    I was so completely amused by this blog that I procured my husband and had him read it. We were laughing about it for a good 5 minutes. Thanks for the midday humor.

  • fb_avatar

    I have been oddly obsessed with how bipedal dinosaurs mated for ages (because frankly, how the quadruped dinosaurs mated is obvious) and the t-rex with it's little arms just baffled me.
    Was there biting involved? Did they use a tree or an herbivore dino hoping submission would result in not getting eaten as support. The pic you sent your husband has helped answer SO many questions. I thank you!
    Also, I too sent this to my boyfriend who was subjected to my obscure thought pattern. I simply titled the picture "Answered". I now await response...

  • In reply to Christa F:

    and what happened? anything?

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