I SOLD MY BOOK. I SOLD MY BOOK. MWDAS THE BOOK!

Awhile back I wrote a blog post that compared the nightly dinner ritual to herpes. Not the shingles kind or chicken pox, but the blistery genital stuff. I suppose some might think I was being a little dramatic about dinner, but I don’t really care what those people think. I care what you think, those of you who read my stuff and YOU liked it.

I am a writer. I write stuff chock full of metaphors and hyperbole and sometimes I buy Pop-tarts for my kids. Words, blah, pffth, yackity, jabber, yammer, words, *&#^$%. Sorry, that was for the people who get dramatic about kids eating an occasional Pop-tart. If you didn’t understand that last sentence, you must be new here to Moms who drink and swear. That was my way of addressing the concerns of readers who would tell me that letting my kid have Pop-tart is as bad as pouring Liquid Plumber down her throat. I see you talking but….words, blather, wrinkle, clinkety, pour, crunch, fffffffffffffffffffffthpop, glug, glug, I was busy pouring Lucky Charms into a bowl for my kids to eat for dinner (while watching television OF COURSE) and opening a bottle of wine so that I could really focus on them and read your feedback and parenting advice. It’s fantastic. omg - THANK YOU. Back to dinner and the herp….

I stand by my metaphor. And I will always believe that making dinner is a pain in the ass. That’s why I tentatively titled my book, “F*&k You Dinner, Make Yourself.” I knew that once my lit agent (not to be confused with clit agent, as I am not in porn but I do know that a good porn star probably has a VERY good clit agent, just as I have a VERY good lit agent), sent off the book proposal, there would very likely be some publishers who weren’t too keen on the title. S’ok. I knew they would still consider the book. And they did and it sold!

So to celebrate the fact that although I stumbled into this career as a writer and might just hold the record for worst spelling, grammar and worst overall transitions between paragraphs seen since the written word got wrote (see? terrible grammar, and what is with this little off topic thing I put here in parentheses? a good editor would toss this shit. am i right? and capitalize some stuff in here as well. HOT MESS), I threw all caution to the wind and bought four things:

Pop-tarts (Much like Chevy Chase in "European Vacation" I just can't get left. Or right. I can't get this photo upright and I am in a hurry so tilt your head to the left like a cute puppy and see the Holy Grail of Pop tart)

My kids love them and usually we don’t buy expensive stuff like this. It felt good to buy them a treat. I wish there were gluten free tarts because those bitches would be IN MY BELLAY.

I also bought the dogs some rawhide. I don’t know if it was made in America. Words, blah, woof, blah, poof, POW! I know that rawhide made for dogs in other countries is bad. Please tell me that I might as well have made them gargle with lead paint. MEH - I sold a BOOK! I CAN TAKE A BEATING and quite frankly, my dogs don’t give a shit where the stuff comes from. Even they like to throw all caution to the wind on a Wednesday and suck the intestines out of some dead bird they find on a walk or the back yard or drag into the house or………you know what I mean, right? THEY LICK THEIR ASSES AND EACH OTHER’S ASSES. The irregular Asian rawhide seems harmless compared to what they get off their junk, but what do I know? I’m a writer, not a veterinarian.

I threw the rawhide in with the Pop-tarts. NICE! Once time I planked at Target, when I was going through a planking phase with my kiddos, but found out that my form was incorrect  and that my hands should have been at my sides. Still, I think you can see my butt better and it looks very good here so I don't care and somehow I got this photo upright. WIN!

You know, I’m surprised Target doesn’t have an in-house vet. They have everything else there, but I was pretty floaty and what not yesterday so maybe they DO and I just missed it. Did I mention that my book got bought? Well, it did. So as I perused around the store, it hit me that I really needed to celebrate four years of hard work and so I continued to spend money like a Kardashian. I bought this:

TRAVOLTA. I love him more than Scientologists love Xenu. He's a talented, sexy hunk of burning love. Gay? Straight? I care NOT. He can dance and sing and he was the BOY IN THE PLASTIC BUBBLE and VINNY BARBARINO and was (is and will always be) the father to a special needs child (rest in peace Jett) so he's aces in my book. AND I CAN'T GET THIS PIC TO TURN EITHER. Tilt left please.

It’s no secret that I love the celeb smut for a good escape from reality and even though my reality was good yesterday, I was committed to my own little naughty party. A gal doesn’t sell a book every day, but I was acting like I was a gal who could and did. I was going to go BIG or go home so I looked around for something else to buy.

Something big.

I decided on the biggest fountain drink available; Coke, regular with tons of ice. I saw a show once on germs and dirty places and did you know that those ice bins have been proven to be full of nasty ole bacteria? Can you believe THAT? Not only was I breaking my no pop rule and getting a beverage containing enough sugar and caffeine to jack up my daughter’s entire second grade class, but there was also a good chance that I was going to end up with a parasite in my digestive tract. I decided that if it was a worm, I’d name it Zola.

Of course I hoped if I did catch a Zola from the filthy ice, that she wouldn't be too big. I mean I knew I was going to make a little money from the sale of my book, did I mention that I sold my book because I did, but I didn’t really want another mouth to feed, even if the mouth was a tiny parasite worm mouth. Maybe I wasn’t as much like the Kardashians as I had previously thought.

Whatever, I just wanted to tell you that MOMS WHO DRINK AND SWEAR THE BOOK is now a reality. Not like a reality SHOW, but a real thing that you will be able to hold in your hands in early spring of 2013. AND as much as I love MY title, the reality is that it might not really go over with the people in the sales and marketing department and since I’m pretty stoked and committed to getting this bookie to you all, I’m superflex about the title. I’m thinking about a contest for the best name suggestion. It will be the first Moms who drink and swear contest so I’ll have to whore myself out to some cool company to get a ultimate cool motherfucking prize and that will require me to try a little harder to channel my inner Kardashian. And I would do that for you guys. I would and I will.

So that’s my news. In case you were wondering. Thanks to all of you who believed in me and kept reading and encouraging me to spell better and re-check my grammar and not getting your panties in a bunch over my f-bombs. Thanks for seeing our club for what it really is. You are handsome women and I shall reward you with many humps and drinks if I end up touring this bitch. If you need a clit agent, I can’t help you, however, I might very well have the best lit agent in the universe: Jenny Bent. There isn’t enough cheese in the world to express my feelings of gratitude for that sassy little minx.

P.S. All brands and stores shit in this blog were just random. I was not compensated or at the receiving end of any free stuff for mentioning the stuff I mentioned, but I’d like very much for Pop-tarts to consider my gluten free suggestions THANKYOUVERYMUCH.

Comments

Leave a comment
  • Every word of this is every reason I stalk you like an alcoholic outside of a liquor store...Oh wait...that's still me...anywho, you get the drift. Cannot wait for this book. They published "Go the F*$k to Sleep" - so why not YOUR book? I believe in that title, sugar. Run with it. Cannot wait.

  • Oh Nikki, you had me cracking up! Planking is planking no matter where your hands are. If a mommy is going to get mad at you for feeding your kids a pop-tart every now and then ask them how much crap their kids are eating behind their backs or at a friends house. You rock and are now famous where as they aren't!

    Cannot wait to hear about the book tour and get my very own signed copy :-) Congrats and don't let the celebrity status go to your head, it might change your writing style and it is perfect (even if it is not proper) and don't change it! Love ya!!!

  • fb_avatar

    OhMyGodILoveYouSoFuckingMuchICouldJustShit.

  • fb_avatar

    Congratulations Mom Who Drinks and Swears! That is fantabulous!
    You look like a super hero in that Target pic btw.

  • fb_avatar

    This had me ROLLING--and not just because even TALKING about Pop-tarts makes me gain ten pounds--mostly I am ROLLING because you are HILARIOUS! Congratulations on the book--I can't wait to OWN it!
    http://anothertiredmommy.blogspot.com/2012/05/lets-pretend-like-i-didnt-screw-up.html?spref=fb

  • Rock on, mama! So excited for you!!!

  • fb_avatar

    I would seriously buy a book called, F@ck You Dinner, Go Cook Yourself. I think that daily. Congratulations on your book's sale!!

  • fb_avatar

    You friggin rock!!!

  • Yeah! That is huge. You should be very proud of yourself!

  • I'm SUPER HAPPY for you!!!! Excited and just did the robot for you! Congratulations on your New York Times Best Seller! 10 million + copies baby!

  • Will I need to be planking in order to read the book, sideways photos and all?

  • fb_avatar

    i will share the ever lovingfuckoutofyou cause i can and cause, well, that is just the way i do it. over the top. xox BEST!

  • I love your writing and your wit leaves me ROFLing. Thank you for letting me live vicariously through your blog! I look forward to reading the book. But hey, F*ck em if they don't like the title. It speaks volumes for a lot of us out there, damn it. Congratulations!

  • fb_avatar

    fantastical! i will spread you like butter on hawt toast all over the interwebs!!!!!!! congrats woman. it's gonna be a hit! and? i can't wait to get my greasy hands on it and sit with a great big cocktail in my hands and peruse....(i said big, cock, tail, in, my hand..see what i did there?) =)xo

  • In reply to Joni:

    I can't talk about how much I love this comment. You dirty f*cker...brilliant.

  • I cannot WAIT till you tour with your bookie-wook - Ima buy dat bitch and getcher autograff!!

    CONGRATULATIONS!! <3
    -Steph

  • Oh my freakin' GOD! That's so awesome! Congrats, Nik! I may need to get in touch with your agent, but she's probably busy pimping your ass...lol. Congrats again and I can't wait to read the book! I'm so happy for you!!!!!

  • WAY TO GO!!!!!! So proud, but really not surprised. Now when can we all start hawking it, because you know I will. Proud of you mama. You have taken the next big step in this journey of writing...and me myself I plan to keep on reading! Thanks for giving us a place to vent and feel normal, and thanks for sharing your life and family with us.

  • fb_avatar

    Congrats, you rock hard! Love the title. Those are the same pop tarts my kids love, they freeze them. Can't wait to read your book. You'd better put Jax, FL on your book tour!

  • Dear Nikki, you grammar-and-spelling-challenged hoor. I love you like a The Situation loves himself. I plan to buy multiple copies of your book and surreptitiously slip them into the corporate lending library and conference rooms. I want to spread the word of your awesomeness like a hooker spreads STDS. I want people to sneak into the restrooms to read your words because they just can't get enough, no matter how guilty they feel.

    And when you come to Connecticunt on your inevitable book tour, I will bring you bacon and vodka and gluten-free love.

  • Gluten free pop tarts!...you are a fucking genius!
    Congrats on the book! I'll buy a copy no matter what you call it.
    M

  • fb_avatar

    Congratulations! That's beyond awesome.
    Maybe you can get paid via gluten free PopTarts when it's time to collect your royalties? Discuss details with your agent. She would know best.

  • fb_avatar

    Whoo HOOOOOOOOOOOO that's so kick ass!!! Way to go, so proud of you and can't wait to read it! It will be the first book I have read since I gave birth!!! :) YIPPEE!!!

  • FAN-FREAKIN-TASTIC! Congratulations! Don't change the title, it's perfect.

  • Extremely happy for you. Love a mom who is making things happen on her own terms. Let's talk Chicago book launch party when this sucker is ready to go??? I

  • BEST.BOOK.TOUR.EVER!!!! Can't wait!!!! Yay for Mom's everywhere!! and flipping woo hoo for you Niki!!!!!!

  • fb_avatar

    I love the name 'Fuck You Dinner, MakebYourself'

  • fb_avatar

    I abso-f*cking-lut-lee.. love you. I don't always get a chance to read your crap but when i do, I'm instantly entertained. Great for you on the Book.. I'll be waiting for my eCopy. Rock on darlin.

  • Oh, and for reals...your book signings better not be at a fucking barnes and noble. I want this shit in a bar. With signature martinis. No kids allowed. Just the MWDAS rowdy crowd in one space pining for your attention and talking about how cool and funny we all are. Who's organizing THAT trainwreck? Somebody needs to get this done.

  • fb_avatar

    I am so glad for you. Now you have to get busy and work on the expressionless interview face even more.

  • fb_avatar

    That's the best f*cking news I've heard all day! Huge and well deserved congratulations to you. C'mon Spring 2013, hurry the f*ck up!

  • fb_avatar

    Sooo funny and congrats on the book! Can't wait to see it!

Leave a comment