Yesterday I was halfway home from the grocery store when I had to pull over the mini-van in order to see whether or not I had actually transferred the groceries from the cart to the van. I had NO memory of doing so, and since I had NO memory of doing so, I assumed that I had left a full cart of groceries in the parking lot and this REALLY freaked me out since I had just paid $32 for a gigantic bag of dog food. Oh, and there was a bottle of wine and ice cream among the haul as well - IMPORTANT STUFF!
I was really shocked to see that I actually HAD put the groceries in the mini-van. How did I have no recollection of unloading a REALLY heavy bag of dog food into my van? I was convinced that I was going to drive back to the store only to find that some lucky bastard (who needed dog food, liked cheap white wine and gluten free coconut milk ice cream) had already swiped my loot and then I would go into the store and tell the customer service lady who would debate whether or not to call the police (thinking I was a thieving liar) to haul me to the pokey, or the ambulance (thinking I was a complete lunatic) to take me to the nut house. Either one probably would have been fine with me as long as I could have a quick nap. I don’t know if I mentioned how tired I was yesterday.
Exhausted…but my point is that I temporarily lost my marbles and I had to pull over and literally check for the groceries. I pulled over, parked the car, got out and opened the hatch of my mini-van, completely expecting to see the usual garbage and jumper cables and no groceries. But they WERE there. Once I saw them, I sat my totally bushed buns next to them wondering whether or not to call 911 on myself. What the WHAT? Morpheus, can I please have the blue pill so that I can get back to The Matrix? If I’m being dramatic, it’s because I’m confoozled! What could have possibly made me so sure that I wasn’t sure about something that happened all of five minutes prior? Why was I so tired? Could I drive the mile home without killing myself of someone else? I wasn’t so sure.
I wasn’t distracted by the spawn, because I went alone to the store (which is glorious and WAY less stressful than shopping with kids for any mom), took my time selecting each item from my list and had a great giggle-ish conversation with the woman behind me in the check-out line who had just finished asking her daughter why she had to ask for something or TEN every time they were at the store. I had wine, she did not. I suggested that she get herself a bottle and she agreed. Her daughter gave us both dirty looks and we cracked up, HARD! I hadn’t laughed that way in a month. At no time during my solo shop did I fall down and hit my head OR get hit in the head by falling items or furious fists. Maybe I was dreaming? Maybe I was sleep shopping AND sleep driving?
I immediately got up and started doing jumping jacks and ran to the front of the car. I figured that even if I was asleep, I still needed to get that ice cream in the freezer. Even in dreams I have my priorities. Once I was driving, I realized that the reason for my momentary cerebral check out was most likely caused by sleep deprivation from the previous two nights. A chunk of my short term memory was totally gone and it scared the living shit out of me. I did a bad and stupid thing: I stayed up reading the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series until the sun came up TWO nights in a row. I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve done something like this, but it’s probably the 124th or 125th give or take 50 or 51. I cannot help myself when a good book hijacks my mind.
Estimating the sleepless nights in the hundreds isn’t hyperbole. I frequently find myself getting immersed in the books that I have no time to read during the day. I wouldn’t feel bad about it had I still be a child-less woman, with nobody to care for the next day, but there is a bit of danger in pulling an all-nighter now that I’m a mother. I’m surprised that the sleep I sacrificed in order to devour the Harry Potter books didn’t result in me forgetting whether or not I even had children.Especially the last one. SOB!
Honestly I still don’t know whether it’s funny that I can’t account for my time in the grocery store parking lot or if I should take it as a warning to seek out a 12 step program for over-readers anonymous. What I do know is that I’ve reached a point where I can no longer get away with surrendering sleepy time for fifty shades of sexual deviance, no matter how much it intrigues my severely vanilla vag-part. I know damn well that being a zombie behind the wheel is dangerous, but aside from THAT horror, I think that I really need to start carving out an hour of so of guilt free time for to read a bit during my waking hours. If I don’t, someone is going to get dead because there is no shortage of fabulous books that will suck me into their vortex of fantasy overnight if I let them.
The problem is that I can’t plop down for a hour during the day to enjoy a book without feeling ashamed of myself because I’m not scrubbing toilets, taking out the trash, doing laundry, dusting, job hunting online, writing, making meals, and………….you get the point here, right? I finally understood this myself while sitting in the CVS parking lot having a complete out of body experience coupled with a sense of relief and joy at seeing a 20 pound bag of dog chow in my car. I NEED to READ and I NEED to sleep. I have to figure out how to make enough time to do both things, because even though I love to read more than I love to sleep, if I don’t sleep, my brain will shrivel up and possibly go psychotic enough to stalk my former Dominator and end up in a mental hospital after threatening to kill his wife with a revolver while babbling nonsense and not showering for a week. Wait…..that was in one of those fifty shades of sexy-weirdness that I stayed up all night reading and not real. At least I don't think so. Hmmmm......sorry for getting off track again, but those books were so damn GOOD!
I want to acquire the ability to “let go” and feel one THOUSAND shades of not guilty about the wanting to exist temporarily in the world of perverted, magical, or dystopian fiction even if the house is somewhat of a disaster. I find that when the physical and mental demands of life have me feeling maxed-out, I should actually prioritize a few hours of me-time in order to re-energize while learning useful things such as how to brew poly-juice potion (one never knows) or how to use anal beads (which I’m glad I know even if I do know that I didn’t need to know – EVER).
The beauty of my chosen escape route is that I can bookmark the fantasy. It will be there waiting for me after my real life adventures so that being said………I really need a new series to read. Any suggestions, because I slept last night and we're pretty set here with groceries for a few days and.....