Fifty shades of fantasy vs. reality

Yesterday I was halfway home from the grocery store when I had to pull over the mini-van in order to see whether or not I had actually transferred the groceries from the cart to the van. I had NO memory of doing so, and since I had NO memory of doing so, I assumed that I had left a full cart of groceries in the parking lot and this REALLY freaked me out since I had just paid $32 for a gigantic bag of dog food. Oh, and there was a bottle of wine and ice cream among the haul as well - IMPORTANT STUFF!

I was really shocked to see that I actually HAD put the groceries in the mini-van. How did I have no recollection of unloading a REALLY heavy bag of dog food into my van? I was convinced that I was going to drive back to the store only to find that some lucky bastard (who needed dog food, liked cheap white wine and gluten free coconut milk ice cream) had already swiped my loot and then I would go into the store and tell the customer service lady who would debate whether or not to call the police (thinking I was a thieving liar) to haul me to the pokey, or the ambulance (thinking I was a complete lunatic) to take me to the nut house. Either one probably would have been fine with me as long as I could have a quick nap. I don’t know if I mentioned how tired I was yesterday.

Exhausted…but my point is that I temporarily lost my marbles and I had to pull over and literally check for the groceries. I pulled over, parked the car, got out and opened the hatch of my mini-van, completely expecting to see the usual garbage and jumper cables and no groceries. But they WERE there. Once I saw them, I sat my totally bushed buns next to them wondering whether or not to call 911 on myself. What the WHAT? Morpheus, can I please have the blue pill so that I can get back to The Matrix? If I’m being dramatic, it’s because I’m confoozled! What could have possibly made me so sure that I wasn’t sure about something that happened all of five minutes prior? Why was I so tired? Could I drive the mile home without killing myself of someone else? I wasn’t so sure.

I wasn’t distracted by the spawn, because I went alone to the store (which is glorious and WAY less stressful than shopping with kids for any mom), took my time selecting each item from my list and had a great giggle-ish conversation with the woman behind me in the check-out line who had just finished asking her daughter why she had to ask for something or TEN every time they were at the store. I had wine, she did not. I suggested that she get herself a bottle and she agreed. Her daughter gave us both dirty looks and we cracked up, HARD! I hadn’t laughed that way in a month. At no time during my solo shop did I fall down and hit my head OR get hit in the head by falling items or furious fists. Maybe I was dreaming? Maybe I was sleep shopping AND sleep driving?

I immediately got up and started doing jumping jacks and ran to the front of the car. I figured that even if I was asleep, I still needed to get that ice cream in the freezer. Even in dreams I have my priorities. Once I was driving, I realized that the reason for my momentary cerebral check out was most likely caused by sleep deprivation from the previous two nights. A chunk of my short term memory was totally gone and it scared the living shit out of me. I did a bad and stupid thing: I stayed up reading the “Fifty Shades of Grey” series until the sun came up TWO nights in a row. I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve done something like this, but it’s probably the 124th or 125th give or take 50 or 51. I cannot help myself when a good book hijacks my mind.

Estimating the sleepless nights in the hundreds isn’t hyperbole. I frequently find myself getting immersed in the books that I have no time to read during the day. I wouldn’t feel bad about it had I still be a child-less woman, with nobody to care for the next day, but there is a bit of danger in pulling an all-nighter now that I’m a mother. I’m surprised that the sleep I sacrificed in order to devour the Harry Potter books didn’t result in me forgetting whether or not I even had children.Especially the last one. SOB!

Honestly I still don’t know whether it’s funny that I can’t account for my time in the grocery store parking lot or if I should take it as a warning to seek out a 12 step program for over-readers anonymous. What I do know is that I’ve reached a point where I can no longer get away with surrendering sleepy time for fifty shades of sexual deviance, no matter how much it intrigues my severely vanilla vag-part. I know damn well that being a zombie behind the wheel is dangerous, but aside from THAT horror, I think that I really need to start carving out an hour of so of guilt free time for to read a bit during my waking hours. If I don’t, someone is going to get dead because there is no shortage of fabulous books that will suck me into their vortex of fantasy overnight if I let them.

The problem is that I can’t plop down for a hour during the day to enjoy a book without feeling ashamed of myself because I’m not scrubbing toilets, taking out the trash, doing laundry, dusting, job hunting online, writing, making meals, and………….you get the point here, right? I finally understood this myself while sitting in the CVS parking lot having a complete out of body experience coupled with a sense of relief and joy at seeing a 20 pound bag of dog chow in my car. I NEED to READ and I NEED to sleep. I have to figure out how to make enough time to do both things, because even though I love to read more than I love to sleep, if I don’t sleep, my brain will shrivel up and possibly go psychotic enough to stalk my former Dominator and end up in a mental hospital after threatening to kill his wife with a revolver while babbling nonsense and not showering for a week. Wait…..that was in one of those fifty shades of sexy-weirdness that I stayed up all night reading and not real. At least I don't think so. Hmmmm......sorry for getting off track again, but those books were so damn GOOD!

I want to acquire the ability to “let go” and feel one THOUSAND shades of not guilty about the wanting to exist temporarily in the world of perverted, magical, or dystopian fiction even if the house is somewhat of a disaster. I find that when the physical and mental demands of life have me feeling maxed-out, I should actually prioritize a few hours of me-time in order to re-energize while learning useful things such as how to brew poly-juice potion (one never knows) or how to use anal beads (which I’m glad I know even if I do know that I didn’t need to know – EVER).

The beauty of my chosen escape route is that I can bookmark the fantasy. It will be there waiting for me after my real life adventures so that being said………I really need a new series to read. Any suggestions, because I slept last night and we're pretty set here with groceries for a few days and.....


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    I loved the bobbie faye sumrall series by toni mcgee causey, kick ass chick who blows shit up. the black dagger brotherhood series by j.r. ward, kick ass vampires and gratuitous sex. and the mercy thompson by patricia briggs, kick ass shape shifter chick who dates a werewolf n battles fairies, vamps n the like.

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    I can completely relate to this ~> "The problem is that I can’t plop down for a hour during the day to enjoy a book without feeling ashamed of myself because I’m not scrubbing toilets, taking out the trash, doing laundry, dusting, job hunting online, writing, making meals, and…" So I've given up reading for the most part.

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    Just finished the same series and I am a charter member of over-readers anonymous. Harry Potter, Game of Thrones, Dragon Tattoo - all of those series have taken up precious amounts of sleep and left me in such a fog that the next day my homeschooling for my ASD son is along the lines of "learn to make your own lunch without the use of fire." In fact right now I should be asleep, so - "laters, baby."

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    I LOVE anything by Laurell K. Hamilton, Christine Feehan Ghostwalker series, J R Ward Brotherhood of the Black Dagger, and Yasmine Galenorn Otherworld series. I bought all the books out at once on amazon and read them in less than a week(this was around work and sleep).

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    I can so relate - to the guilt of reading during the day (I have the same daily to do list) and to the fact that I stayed up until 11:45 last night reading 51 Shades of Grey...then couldn't go to sleep because I was thinking about what I had just read and wondering what in holy Hell I would read next. I tried to skim part of your post quickly since I haven't read the whole book and I'm not sure if you were talking about the book or your imagination (the part about not showering, toting a gun, etc.). Glad to read I'm not the only one. And have you read The Hunger Games? Even worse. I did nothing day or night while I read them.

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    The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern - one of those books where the words on the page are as enjoyable as the plot.
    Divergent by Veronic Roth - very Hunger Gamesish
    Hunger Games (if you haven't already read it)
    And Twilight (if you haven't already read it) - Try to hate it. I dare you!

  • Fifty Shades will distract anyone from anything. I tell ya, I was in a fog for a week after finishing 3. Yes, pulled a couple of late nights reading them. It's tough to look at the clock, see it's 5am, and tell yourself "I've got to get an hour of sleep at least."

    Along with Marian, I dare anyone to hate the Twilight series.

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    I have just downloaded this book and I know I will be experiencing the same sleep deprivation in a few days. From what I can tell, you would probably enjoy the Sleeping Beauty Series.

  • Very very funny, Nic! That's the story of my life. Except the fact I will never forget a bottle of wine anywhere ;). But staying up too late and too long reading has long been one of my habits. I find now that I am older I sooooo pay for it the next day, but I continue to do it because it is my last refuge of "my" time alone. And Hell I can never put down a good book, or a great blog!

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    Holy crap. You stole my life. Creepy. And on that note. Dark Hunter series by Sherrilyn Kennyon. You will not sleep for about 15 days. Good stuff.

  • when i was in college, when we couldn't remember how we got home we said we "hyperspaced." you definitely hyperspaced. that being said, i can't remember the last book that made me stay up all night.

  • You need to take care of you, mama! And if that means spending an hour or hell, maybe even two or more, reading during the day, then do it. The dishes can wait. Toilets can wait. Make easier dinners.
    I will openly admit to spending as much time as I need on myself every day; in between laundry, dishes, kids, dinner, and all the other mindless bullshit involved in being a mom.
    If you aren't happy and healthy, then no one is. Much love to you, lady! XoXoX
    Oh- and yes, The Hunger Games must be read. And anything by Augusten Burroughs or David Sedaris.
    And now I have to add this 50 shades book to my reading list! GAH! Too many books, not enough time!

  • I know exactly what you mean! Sometimes I forget the rest of the world exists! lol, what husband? I have kids??? Oh well, a good book is sometimes worth an all nighter. My family is kinda used to it by now anyway... The other day my husband went to clean out the garage because he was bored since I had my nose in a book. lol, poor guy.

  • I had to pull over to make sure my BABY was in the car the other day. Yes to the tired.

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    Three words Black Dagger Brotherhood! JR Ward writes them. I was never into the whole vampire thing, only read one "romance" before. I love love love that shit! Amazing, funny, dangerous, smart, exciting, well you get the point. You gotta read em!

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