Mamacon Seattle 2012 - The place to twitch and bitch

There are a few things that I often hear women say that make me twitchy. The first one is this:

“I love your children like I love my own!”

BULLSHIT YOU DO! You don’t love MY kids as much as you love YOUR kids. Maybe you think you do, or you think it makes you sound like Mother Earth, but I’m telling you that talking that way merely makes you seem insincere and in denial of reality. Me? If push came to shove, I’d shove your kids off the top of the John Hancock building. Not for no reason, of course. I just mean that if I had to shove some kids off a building I sure as hell wouldn’t shove mine if yours were there to shove instead. If you feel differently, than you should be the one to take your kids on tall building tours because who knows whether or not I’d have to choose which kids to shove if they were with me and my kids?

Can you imagine how you’d feel if I came home without your kids after having them all day on an adventure and said, “Here are my kids. You said that you love them like your own and frankly, I’m all mom’ed out today so I figured we could share them since I had to choose which kids to shove off the John Hancock and of course I chose yours. I love my kids more than yours, but YOU said you love MY kids as much as your own so I knew you’d understand why shoving your kids was the obvious choice. Call me tomorrow, but not too early because since YOU have the kids, I’m going to sleep until noon!”

Twitchy.

The next twitch trigger is this phrase:

“I get along with men better than I get along with women.”

BULLSHIT YOU DO! Men are equally exasperating as women, especially if you are living with one who can’t find his ass without your assistance, humps you regardless of whether you are sick with fever of 103 and considers the dishwasher, hamper or the garbage to be items that you place things NEXT to instead of INTO. I suppose the utterance of this phrase has something to do with the fact that women are, for the most part, bitchy, judgmental, competitive, and prone to fear based back-stabbing due to our deep insecurities about ourselves, and men are a bit more….simple when it comes to their friendships.

I don't know about you, but I’d definitely rather have my BFF get punch me square in the face immediately rather than call up another one of our friends and talk smack about me if she was mad about something that I said or did. The simplicity of men’s relationships IS attractive as hell, but it’s not like women can’t choose the same approach. It’s just that most of the time, we don’t. So why do I bring up phrases that make me twitchy?

The point is to acknowledge that all interpersonal relationships can be improved if we are honest and up front about not only how we FEEL about them, but how we ACT when we are involved in them. I’ve yet to experience an entire day of life when I feel like I’m the easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy type of gal to be around. I hope I never do either. If I’m paying attention to my feelings and actions, then I have much less time to complain about the people around me. It’s simple for me, but only because I choose it and I choose it because I’ve done it the complicated and scared stabby way (back in high school) and it was highly unsatisfying. HIGHLY!

So because I don’t want to shove anybody’s kids off of a building and I don’t want to avoid relationships with women just because I tend to be just the type of woman who makes other women say, “I get along better with men than I get along with women,” I continue trying really hard to learn to be less of a jerk with each new day by decreasing my avoidance of the things and people that make me twitchy.

The years of being snuggled up in the safe cocoon at home with little ones are coming to an end. They are growing up and want to experience new things and new people. I’m often needed as the wingman for these adventures, which means that I’m with other kids a LOT and other women a LOT and as I said before, being with me isn’t always easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy. I also don’t much like new things and new people and other people’s kids are okay, but I like my own a gazillion times better. I like what I know and what I know is boring the shit out of my children. They want more. More makes me twitchy.

My goal is to grow as a person just as much as my children are and that requires me to do things that scare me and adults scare me more than children. I don’t get along with men better than I get along with women. I’m equally intimidated by both genders although it’s been my experience that women, mothers in particular, are more intimidating than childless women because motherhood turns women into Mama Bears who act instinctively to protect their cubs.

Sometimes this instinctive protection includes behaviors like: judging others harshly, ignoring the shortcomings of themselves and their own children, blaming others for their children’s mistakes, create cliques that exclude, mock and hurt other women AND fail miserably at attempting to support and understand parents who do things differently than they do. I’ve been guilty of these things at one to a hundred thousand times in the past 12 years, which also makes me twitchy. And so I have resolved to embrace the progress, not perfection that I am making and keep staring down my fears.

A big fear is coming my way: Mamacon 2012 in Seattle.  http://mamacon.net/ I am popping my Mom-conference cherry at this gig in May,  flying across the country to meet several thousand people I don’t even know in order to talk about all things MOM and it will likely make me twitch uncontrollably. I am afraid. Afraid of all the things that made me start this blog 3 ½ years ago. Am I worthy of my children, my family and my friendships? Am I doing anything right? I’m afraid to be alone in this. TERRIFIED!

Will people still like me if I don't turn out to be the angry, lush who neglects her children who talks about healthy and professional shit like women and wellness? Most of all I might find out that  I’m the only one who really WOULD pick up another person’s kid and heave them off a 100 story building if push came to shove? I need to know so I'm following this advice:

Unknown orgin. Excellent photo.

and saying FUCK IT,  I’m willing to find out the answer to this question and likely many others. For the first time I’ve said “YES,” to something outside of my cocoon of the Moms who drink and swear world where I am cozy and isolated and doing what’s best for my family behind the words and semi-anonymity of my blog. I’m doing this because through my blogging I have realized that just about everyone else out there parenting is asking the same questions and having the same concerns as I do. And I get to go on the Duck Boats so there's that.........

And even though most of the participants and presenters don’t say the word FUCK as much as I do and don’t talk about lobbing kids off buildings, punching their husbands in the junk, vaginas, wine and Justin Bieber, but I’m still going to give it a go and I hope to see you there.

I'll be the one twitching like a MOTHERFUCKER!

https://www.facebook.com/MamaConUS   Mamacon on Facebook

http://mamacon.net/  Mamacon on the World Wide Web

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  • " mothers in particular, are more intimidating than childless women because motherhood turns women into Mama Bears who act instinctively to protect their cubs.

    Sometimes this instinctive protection includes behaviors like: judging others harshly, ignoring the shortcomings of themselves and their own children, blaming others for their children’s mistakes, create cliques that exclude, mock and hurt other women AND fail miserably at attempting to support and understand parents who do things differently than they do."

    Guilty as charged. I am also guilty of being the Mama Bear that also judges her Papa Bear and points out his mistakes and shortcomings all too quickly. *sigh* I'm an asshole.
    Man, I wish I could go to Seattle for the Mama-Con. It's gonna be way cool. Of course, I don't have to go all the way to Seattle to meet you. I'll be seeing you next month in Chi-town! Cannot wait!

  • Part of the beauty that is you is because of your open and honest verbalization of life. Through your blog and facebook page, you are liberating women, and men, all over the world into embracing the dysfunction that is today. You are coaxing the rest of us to accept that the 1950's domestic life style isn't reality, but a facade. A facade that still exists today, and traps people everywhere. You are giving the rest of us permission to say "FUCK THE FACADE! My life is delightful, beautiful, loving chaos and I love it and it's mine." Your honesty is the new "mother's little helper".
    And damn you.... I had that idea, but apparently three and a half years too late! ;)

  • fb_avatar

    I would like to pin that orange sign. And I can barely read it. Will you tell me where it is from, please?

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    I would definitely push someone else's kids off a building before my own. On the other hand I'd save a kid if it didn't put my own in harms way and didnt mean id die or be a vegetable. I think that's true of most mothers.

  • @Virginia - I believe you can find it here: http://goodfuckingdesignadvice.com/

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    I have to say that guys do make way better friends then girls. girls are SCANDALOUS! A girl will steal ur clothes, make up and even ur man if she can. she will talk shit behind ur back and lie to ur face. My best friend is a guy. Sure he probably originally wanted to be my friend cuz he was trying to get with me, but after we got it all squared away that that won't be happening we became best friends and have been for a couple years. He always has my back and makes me smile when I'm sad.

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    LOVE THIS:

    "Men are equally exasperating as women, especially if you are living with one who can’t find his ass without your assistance, humps you regardless of whether you are sick with fever of 103 and considers the dishwasher, hamper or the garbage to be items that you place things NEXT to instead of INTO."

    Cracked me up.

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    I love this one all over again! I really don't like other people's children. I can be entertained for a little while by them and will make sure they get food and care while under my care but, to say I love them like my own? Nope. Not going to happen. I barely like my own on a regular basis. Wine is good

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