Kitty's got PMS

 I have no idea how I’ve managed 17 years without every punching my husband in the face or at least “accidently” tripping him when I’m suffering from PMS. My humanity leaves me. I go insane and he takes it personally. I warn him, try to explain why he shouldn't take it personally and resist submitting to my violent fantasies. He ignores the warnings, fills out a butthurt report daily and acts like a puppy who has been hit with a rolled up newspaper. After 17 years of marriage and over 20 together, his mannish, testosterone filled melon cannot absorb even the most basic and surprisingly few simple truth about women and hormones and the simple and terrifying truth that I BLEED FROM MY VAGINA EVERY MONTH FOR ANYWHERE FROM 3-7 DAYS! He's not alone in this. Most fellas have trouble accepting that when the pretty kitty gets sick, she WILL bear her claws and lash out in pain!

There should be a class or a support group for men, but unfortunately there is NOT. Men don't  help each other because talking about tomato pants is one of those guy code taboo topics. It's like admitting they are wrong, talking about their feelings or asking for directions. Men just don't do these things. So that's where I come in. I'm breaking this shit down into bite sized pieces similar to boneless wings at Hooters. This is the trifecta of success, the hat trick, triathalon, THE HOLY TRINITY of free information and support for men when their woman is off riding the cotton pony. Here we go guys, GIDDAY UP!

The first simple truth is this:

If chocolate doesn’t take the edge off when a woman is raging with PMS, you need to get MORE chocolate for her, and probably some ice cream.  Don’t get too close to her or ask her what’s wrong. That just further demonstrates your ignorance and increases the chance you could be seriously injured while delivering the chocolate. Don't make eye contact. This can be taken as a sign of aggression by an angry feline. Just show her the chocolate and back away. Slowly. Sudden movements tend to startle kitties.  A simple note about the ice cream will suffice.

Something like this is damn near perfect

If you see chocolate or ice cream around, don’t eat ANY of it unless you have determined that she doesn’t need it for medicinal purposes. Not.... one.... bite. She needs every bit of all of it. You can eat the wasabi peas, pretzels, potato chips or a bowl of cereal. Remember also that if you choose cereal and use the last of the milk, you will need to go get more milk (as in right fucking now especially if you don’t have a kid or two to take the blame for the empty milk carton). It’s bad enough to be inconsiderate when your woman isn’t a hot mess of hormonal madness, but it’s just suicide to engage in such risky behavior when she is.

The second simple truth is this:

If you understand this photo, then skip this paragraph. If the photo confuses you, read on. In order to understand why a woman is spewing venomous, short tempered insults in your direction just because you are breathing, you have to attempt to imagine what she is dealing with physically and emotionally. So imagine still being ravenously hungry after eating a quart of ice cream and an entire package of Oreos. Accompanying this insatiable hunger is a dull, thumping lower back pain interspersed with stabbing pains in your junk. Please add a throbbing headache to the mix and an overall feeling that your skeletal system could burst out of your skin at any moment AND breasts that feel like having your nuts kicked repeatedly for 12 hours straight. What would YOUR mood would be like after 2-3 nights of restless, unsatisfying sleep while experiencing all of the above physical symptoms? If a kitty hisses at you, you don't keep petting the kitty. Leave Kitty alone.

The third simple truth is this:

(Rumor has he he cleans bathrooms and does laundry too. I KNOW! I was thinking the same thing - UNICORN HUSBAND!)

Help out. Don't ask what you can do to help. KNOW that you need to do something. ANYTHING. You cannot claim ignorance or stupidity after 1-2 menstral cycles. Your lady will just see you as a lazy, lying, self -centered MORON or she will question your overall cognitive fitness.  Clean something, pick up your shit and for the love of the gods do NOT leave an empty roll where the toliet paper should be. People have been killed for less serious offenses and PMS has been used successfully as a defense in a court of law. Kitty hates a dirty litter box. You are the metaphorical corner she will piss in if her needs aren't met. Remember you are dealing with an injured animal.

Three simple steps. A monkey could do them. 1) Get her "medicine" and don't touch it. 2) Don't try to understand her. You might as well try to reason with an angry toddler or argue with a sloppy drunk. Just shut up. 3) Help out. Put on your big boy pants and your thinking cap.  Unless you find a chickie-poo that doesn't have ovaries, you are going to have to deal with the fact that your kitty's got a crime scene in her pants every month.  You've been warned. Don't take it personally. It's NOT about you, but your funeral will be.  Take it from Kitty when she says

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  • that's too bad! my husband is "almost" perfect when it comes to PMS. He knows my schedule better than I do. And for the most part, he's on his best behavior and tends to surprise me with chocolate during that week ;)

  • I hate to break this to you, Nicole, but when menopause hits, it isn't any better! It might even be worse!

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    In reply to siblingless:

    You're right on with that. Especially when its surgically (or otherwise not naturally) induced. PMS couldn't even hold a candle to menopause.

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    In reply to siblingless:

    AMEN! the boy had the unmitigated gall to ask me the other day when i was going to get to take my hormones again!
    after my head spun around three times i gave him the stink eye and said-NEVER!
    he says-why not?
    becaaaaaaaaaaauuuuuuuuuse after you get breast cancer they take away your hormones FOREVER!! ok?? ok?? see how that works??

    he looked at me and mumbled "oh shit" under his breath-bless his pointed little head! then went slowly to his room.

    : )p

  • I don't miss this at all....IUD!!! I cannot emphasize that one enough...IUD!!! The Mirena IUD is my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I've had it for 4 years and haven't had a period in 3.5 years. No PMS either. Plus no kids for 5 years and not having to remember birth control during that time. Best invention ever

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    In reply to lalalala1234:

    I agree! I love my Mirena! I've had mine for 3 years...1 two day periods a year with little to no pain. LOVE IT!!!

  • In reply to lalalala1234:

    Not for me. I tried Mirena and all I got was an extra 20 lbs, terrible acne, nonstop bleeding and cramps, hair loss, and raging emotions. I'm thrilled that it works for some, but I was not one of them.

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    In reply to lalalala1234:

    EXACTLY! I don't miss my crime scene in my pants at all! Mirena is definitely a keeper

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    i dont think my man has any chance of survival, do they have a toilet side handbook version of this available? i have no inhabitions about educationg my 11yr old with this either. his wife can thank me someday(:

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    I would just like to add that for some of us there is a 3-7 day window BEFORE the "crime scene" occurs when men/husbands/boyfriends should be wary. I will kill you if you fuck with me. I will kill you and I will not regret it after! The butt hurt report will be balled up and shoved so far down your throat you will choke and I will just sit there and watch thinking you deserved it! I don't think it is about me when he has a moody day. Why is it all about him when I HAVE PMS? Sigh boys are silly.

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    I'm definitely going to try this on my female house mates, see if they'll appreciate it - time to get some chocolate.

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    you go on with your bad self dude, one of them is going to fall in love with u, so look out.

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    F@CKING AMEN! I think this should be taught to little boys so they can be programmed from the beginning. Seriously, the men we married cannot learn new tricks easily and sometimes not at all. So be proactive and do your future daughter-in-law a favor, stop the stupidity before it starts and train them from the very beginning. Mothers for the Future Enlightenment of Men should be a new support group!

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    omg...soo soo true..sad for men that they don't get it. I will tell you the other girls are correct...menopause is WORSE! You start looking for any hormone, herbal, anything..just so you can feel normal again. It sucks big time. You hate everyone and you can't control it and no one seems to get it. I have a 17 yr old and a husband..they have grown closer during my bad times. You see them giving each other the "looks" and they whisper to each other in the other room...to which you reply "I know you're talking about me!". Then they both just walk quietly around you..like you're a stick of dynamite that's gonna blow any minute. It's kinda funny to think about it..but not when it's happening..LOL. Thanks for this..it's always good to see we are not alone.

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    This is so true! I want to email this to my boyfriend!

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    I love this! AMEN to that sister! I cannot seem to get ANYONE especially my man, to realize the agony of having to endure 8-11 sometimes even 17 days straight of "sick kitty" syndrome. Not only am I "broken" for nearly two weeks out of every month, I am a total bitch in between. Is this EVER gonna get any better? I am 41 and have noticed a sharp increase in my PMDD PMS symptoms over the last couple of years. If it continues to get worse.... i cannot be held responsible. Thank you so much for this blog! it made me feel so much better knowing im not the only one.

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    I tell you what sucks....Is having PMS and Menopause.
    I still have my monthly and now Im in menopause. Great!
    Beat that

  • My wife and I have been married for 28 years and have been together for 30. I've seen it all and learned a long time ago to stay the fuck out of her way. I would plan business trips about a week prior to her getting her period. I could tell from her voice changing about 48 hours prior to the PMS settling in that the rage in the cage was about to begin. Let's be honest here - it doesn't matter how much ice cream or chocolate you get her, or how many times you vacuum the floors or change junior's diaper or buy flowers or any other "nice" gesture. Hundreds of thousands of years of nature took over. She turned into a psycho monster she-wolf for the week leading up to the pretty kitty getting shitty. I coached our three boys to do the same thing -- just stay the fuck out of her way. Pretty simple, really. It did get so bad that I said she needed to deal with it medically which she agreed with. I will also tell you that Prozac saved our marriage. True story. And, she would tell you the same thing.

  • I totally agree with menopause being worse---my only consolation is that I had a hysterectomy, so I don't have to deal with the mess!

  • My hysterectomy was the happiest day of my life. (I had mild, but extremely painful endometriosis.) I remember going through that last period thinking, "this is it, no more, all done". And I literally woke up all better. My estrogen patch is so much nicer. Oh Jeezus I don't miss my ovaries. I don't miss my uterus. And I do NOT miss bleeding once a month for between 3 and 31 days. I have my babies, and I am never looking back.

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    In reply to jesterqueen:

    Sing it sister. Getting spayed was the best thing I've ever spent money on.

  • Oh - and I hated those women who didn't have any hormonal issues with their periods. The ones who just floated along, not needing chocolate or Ponstel.

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    Thank you...thank you for this.

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    my new roommate ate my chocolate at the highest peak of pms........... I almost killed him... and then my boyfriend had a secret stash, taught the roommate TO NEVER TOUCH MY REESES! you can eat whatever food you want.. but DO NOT eat my chocolate..

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