I have no idea how I’ve managed 17 years without every punching my husband in the face or at least “accidently” tripping him when I’m suffering from PMS. My humanity leaves me. I go insane and he takes it personally. I warn him, try to explain why he shouldn't take it personally and resist submitting to my violent fantasies. He ignores the warnings, fills out a butthurt report daily and acts like a puppy who has been hit with a rolled up newspaper. After 17 years of marriage and over 20 together, his mannish, testosterone filled melon cannot absorb even the most basic and surprisingly few simple truth about women and hormones and the simple and terrifying truth that I BLEED FROM MY VAGINA EVERY MONTH FOR ANYWHERE FROM 3-7 DAYS! He's not alone in this. Most fellas have trouble accepting that when the pretty kitty gets sick, she WILL bear her claws and lash out in pain!
There should be a class or a support group for men, but unfortunately there is NOT. Men don't help each other because talking about tomato pants is one of those guy code taboo topics. It's like admitting they are wrong, talking about their feelings or asking for directions. Men just don't do these things. So that's where I come in. I'm breaking this shit down into bite sized pieces similar to boneless wings at Hooters. This is the trifecta of success, the hat trick, triathalon, THE HOLY TRINITY of free information and support for men when their woman is off riding the cotton pony. Here we go guys, GIDDAY UP!
The first simple truth is this:
If chocolate doesn’t take the edge off when a woman is raging with PMS, you need to get MORE chocolate for her, and probably some ice cream. Don’t get too close to her or ask her what’s wrong. That just further demonstrates your ignorance and increases the chance you could be seriously injured while delivering the chocolate. Don't make eye contact. This can be taken as a sign of aggression by an angry feline. Just show her the chocolate and back away. Slowly. Sudden movements tend to startle kitties. A simple note about the ice cream will suffice.
Something like this is damn near perfect
If you see chocolate or ice cream around, don’t eat ANY of it unless you have determined that she doesn’t need it for medicinal purposes. Not.... one.... bite. She needs every bit of all of it. You can eat the wasabi peas, pretzels, potato chips or a bowl of cereal. Remember also that if you choose cereal and use the last of the milk, you will need to go get more milk (as in right fucking now especially if you don’t have a kid or two to take the blame for the empty milk carton). It’s bad enough to be inconsiderate when your woman isn’t a hot mess of hormonal madness, but it’s just suicide to engage in such risky behavior when she is.
The second simple truth is this:
If you understand this photo, then skip this paragraph. If the photo confuses you, read on. In order to understand why a woman is spewing venomous, short tempered insults in your direction just because you are breathing, you have to attempt to imagine what she is dealing with physically and emotionally. So imagine still being ravenously hungry after eating a quart of ice cream and an entire package of Oreos. Accompanying this insatiable hunger is a dull, thumping lower back pain interspersed with stabbing pains in your junk. Please add a throbbing headache to the mix and an overall feeling that your skeletal system could burst out of your skin at any moment AND breasts that feel like having your nuts kicked repeatedly for 12 hours straight. What would YOUR mood would be like after 2-3 nights of restless, unsatisfying sleep while experiencing all of the above physical symptoms? If a kitty hisses at you, you don't keep petting the kitty. Leave Kitty alone.
The third simple truth is this:
(Rumor has he he cleans bathrooms and does laundry too. I KNOW! I was thinking the same thing - UNICORN HUSBAND!)
Help out. Don't ask what you can do to help. KNOW that you need to do something. ANYTHING. You cannot claim ignorance or stupidity after 1-2 menstral cycles. Your lady will just see you as a lazy, lying, self -centered MORON or she will question your overall cognitive fitness. Clean something, pick up your shit and for the love of the gods do NOT leave an empty roll where the toliet paper should be. People have been killed for less serious offenses and PMS has been used successfully as a defense in a court of law. Kitty hates a dirty litter box. You are the metaphorical corner she will piss in if her needs aren't met. Remember you are dealing with an injured animal.
Three simple steps. A monkey could do them. 1) Get her "medicine" and don't touch it. 2) Don't try to understand her. You might as well try to reason with an angry toddler or argue with a sloppy drunk. Just shut up. 3) Help out. Put on your big boy pants and your thinking cap. Unless you find a chickie-poo that doesn't have ovaries, you are going to have to deal with the fact that your kitty's got a crime scene in her pants every month. You've been warned. Don't take it personally. It's NOT about you, but your funeral will be. Take it from Kitty when she says
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