What was up Mom's A$$ today?

Yesterday when I woke up, I knew it was going to be a drag of a day. The previous evening, I had been to an event with fellow bloggers and I’ll just say it, I GOT SHITFACED! I don’t usually get that way, I hate being drunk. I’m like Jeff Spiccoli in the sense that all I really need is a cool buzz (tasty waves optional), and I’m FINE!

So boophuckinghoo for me, right? I was exhausted and  hung WAY over with a busy day ahead. I rolled over, grabbed my phone and read an email that said, “I can’t believe you defaced the art of Charles Schultz with that disgusting picture on your Facebook page. You lost a fan today.”  I’ve received quite a few of those regarding that image. Here is the offending image

Wish I could take credit for this geniusness

Sorry, but I’m not sorry. That cartoon and caption made me laugh until I cried. It was shared hundreds of times by MWDAS fans, "liked" over a thousand times and the comments about it were the stuff comic dreams are made of.  However, being exhausted and hung over, it did make me a tad sad to have once again caused such butt hurt to an oversensitive crybaby.  I love my fan page and I’m not changing it. Much like you, some days the laughs I get from all of YOU are mood altering life savers.  My goal is not to hurt feelings or offend, but occasionally I do. This one caused a shitstorm, remember?

Photographic evidence that I support the objectification of women and of course sex trafficking

So like I said before I got COMPLETELY off topic with that ADORABLE photo of my daughter in a "Future HOOTERS girl t-shirt," getting all drunk and staying out late really screwed me up. My sensory system was a hot mess. I felt itchy and uncomfortable, like bugs were crawling all over my skin. Vision? Blurry. Head? Pounding. Gait? Stumbly. Body? Stinky. Mood? Foul. Foul as a 5 day old pile of rotting garbage. Like this

I smelled like this game of Jenga garbage

I'm ashamed and embarassed to say that I cranked a bit at everyone yesterday morning. If it were someone else in my family acting all put out and nasty, spreading their trashy mood all about, I would have said, “DUDE WHAT IS UP YOUR ASS TODAY?”  However, with no one to blame but my hungWAYover self, I tossed my phone aside and got down to business on this

My arch nemesis. FUCK YOU LAUNDRY - I HATE YOU

All day project there in that photo, right? Between loads of laundry, it took me 5 hours to write a freelance piece that would normally take me a maximum of 2. The rest of the day was spent job hunting, lawn mowing, kid care-taking, meal making, book writing, leaf raking and garage sale preparing. Sadly, throughout the entire day, the foulness continued. It wasn’t just my mood. My filthy, un-showered body was annoying me as well. I felt like I was going to explode out of my skin, which was coated in a layer of slime, flecks of dirt, flyaway grass. My itchy, scratchy skin was making me feel wriggly and snappy like a goddamn viper! I was scratching all over, but especially on my ass.  Itchy ass +hangover+general exhaustion from a very busy day = walking, talking, toxic waste dump of a zombie mom (who was very aware that she only had herself to blame).

I’ve never been so happy to see a day end as I was yesterday. After a round of apologies, I tucked my kids in bed, poured some wine and headed off for a long, hot shower. Yes indeed, a shower would wash me clean the day’s chore stank and douchey disposition. I had to peel off my dirty, sweaty uniform of yoga pants, a stained t-shirt, sports bra, and too tight panties with weak elastic and that’s when I found these stickers IN MY BUTT CRACK!

Where Cinderella really lost her glass slipper - my ass! The other sticker? A Scooby-doo mystery.

Which answers the question about what was up my ASS yesterday.

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  • BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

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    just let me tell u something i'm sure u've not heard before....
    YOU ROCK!!!!!

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    i cannot COUNT the times i have found stickers in & on my ass. stickers, business cards, those paper drink coasters. i should start an asscrapbook.

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    that was good - in fact, that was awesome. thank you - needed that today. ha ha ha - cinderella's slipper. awesome

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    Uh, one of those stickers refers to a safety seal... Please tell me I'm not the only one who finds that hysterical!

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    Hilarious! Just the other day my daughter told my husband I had a Tinker Bell sticker on 'the cheeks on my butt'. Huh?! Yep, there it was stuck to my underwear. I had NO IDEA!!!! How does that happen?! Thanks for the laugh

  • Unfortunately this is why, even though it sounds soooo good at the time to go out and "have a good time" it is soooo not worth it.
    Especially as we get older. We just can't party like we used to and function the next day. I feel like crap too on that rare occasion.
    That was hilarious though! Thanks for sharing!!

  • Somehow, I missed the whole Hooters Debate. (I must have been absent that day), but those two girls are in EXCELLENT shape, and NOT scary skinny. I call that a good thing to aim for for a little girl these days. Plus, it's FUNNY.
    And Charles Schultz is laughing so hard,he's spitting out dust in his grave right now. Damn crybabies.

  • I suppose it is allowable satire, but Lucy would have found ways other than making various anatomical references to make a point.

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    In reply to jack:

    I doubt even lucy could that open mouth chewers sound like that....

  • HAHAHAHA! I have wondered how you handle hangovers. There are things in life that are worse than death. Hangovers fall into that catagory. Well I'm glad to see you are human and handle them the same way I do!! The stickers are the perfect ending to your story!
    You are most definitely my hero!

  • Oh if only stickers could explain my itchy ass...

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    Here's what I have to say about the Charles Schultz cartoon....

    (1) Charles Schultz had a wonderful sense of humor. He wrote a comic strip, for sh!t sake! I'd bet all the stickers on my a$$ he would have laughed at that one.

    (2) Open-mouth chewers are foul, no-manner-having slobs. Close your flipping mouthes when you chew!

    (3) Those of us who have vaginas know that, from time to time, they can emit strange sounds. It's a scientific fact.

    Therefore, logic shows that you, Charles Schultz and noisy vaginas lost a loud-chewing, overly sensitive fan yesterday. Good riddance.

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    In reply to Leanne Larson:

    and (4), drinking too early in the day makes you spell "mouths" incorrectly. :(

  • In reply to Leanne Larson:

    Use a browser with a spell checker.

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    In reply to jack:

    Wow, thanks for that nugget of wisdom. I do use a browser with spell checker. I was DRUNK. Spell check won't work if you can't see straight.

  • First time reading your blog, I'm in love!
    You may have lost one fan with the Lucy vagina cartoon but you gained a new one, one that is irreverent as hell and impossible to offend. See how that works out?-cuz yer AWESOME!
    I've never found stickers up my ass-crack but I did wake up with Jesus Band-aids on my nipples one morning after a really corrupt night drinking champagne with my girlfriends in a 1976 vintage camper...does that count?

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    Holy fuck that cartoon is hilarious.

    And it's always so nice to get an answer to your questions....

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    BWAHAHAHAHA!!!! Totally for real, laughed out loud. I've said it a million times before, and I will continue to say it again- I LOVE YOUR CRAZY ASS!!!!!

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    I had a staple stuck in my ass once...couldn't figure out what was so pokey.
    I love the fact that the two stickers are a pointy toe shoe, and a 'break safety seal'. Hilarious!

  • I totally noticed that sticker at the blogger party when you were mooning us. I should have said something, sorry.

  • In reply to TRSlyder:

    Yes!

  • thanks for NOTHING T.R. next tweet up you better have my back (side)

  • I am HIGHLY offended by this blog, you should be ASHAMED of yourself..... because now I have to get up off my fat arse and wipe the wine off my keyboard that shot out of my nose. Thanks for that! Really, getting me to shnott wine is very impressive, you should be proud of yourself!

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    I had to join just so I could tell you I have a mom crush on you, and I stole the peanuts picture. I had an abysmal slamming-vodka-like-its-gatorade kinda day, and I laughed until I cried over this blog. Some days you're the stickers, and some days you're the asscrack.

  • Nikki, you rock. I <3 you. And let the pearl-clutchers go. Joke 'em if they can't take a f*ck.

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    I have never in my life read anything more funny. l think this is the funniest thing you have ever done. i had missed both blogs, what a great refresher omigod that was funny. I just wanted remind you that you got shitfaced at a tv interview recently and trashed the bar remember (just saying) as for offending. I am a middle of the roader - not conservative not liberal and I was not offended. It's funny. And face it Charles Schultz fans have senses of humor. You probaly meant the one exception .

  • Nikki, well done!

  • I don't know how I found this page, but am so glad I did. Hilarious!! I would pay triple my cable bill as payment for watching my kids on days when I am hungover.

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    I'm due in 6 weeks. Is this part of mommyhood that everyone failed to mention? Stickers in the asscrack?

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    In reply to Kendra Krebs:

    Welcome to the secret society of real moms Kendra...stick with us and you'll do juuuuust fine. Mwahahaha...no really, the first time around everything is shocking and embarrassing. Once you get passed that first year, or have another little bundle of joy you begin to realize that if you don't find someone to vent to, you might just kill someone. That's where Nicole comes in! She's crazy therapy for us crazy, exhausted, doomed to be chronically smelly mothers. My damn hero!

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    I can't even tell you the HUGE amount of joy you bring to my life EVERYDAY. You are f*@cking awesome!

  • roxanna, that was a beautiful thing to say. thank you. and you and others who read my drivel and make me laugh and feel ok about being insane bring incredible joy to my life as well. thank you for commenting.

  • I too have had ass sticker. I have also had- under boob sticker. Those are fun days.

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    OMG Nikki. I wish I had the balls you do to post the Lucy comic on FB. As it is, I just LOLed at my desk while "working" and forwarded it to my husband. Thanks for making motherhood laughable!

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    I love you so much!

  • good riddance to whomever didn't find that comic strip absolutely hysterical. tell them i know a really good doctor to get the stick out of their ass. or stickers, as the case may be. ;)

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