Momma's drinking problem

I have a drinking problem. I waste wine. I waste it. It’s a real problem. I don’t care how cheap the wine is, wasting it is wrong. I have a problem with this. I am ashamed.

This is how it usually happens for me. I pour a glass of wine when I’m done with Mom/hausfrau duties for the day.  I feel immediately happy that the sweet elixir is going to get in my bellay while I’m reading, watching T.V. or writing.  All set? YOU BET! Let the ME time begin!

I find a good snuggle up spot, get myself situated and then take the first sip. DEPHUCKINGLICIOUS!  I’m still swallowing that first sip when I hear the back door bells ringing, which means that one of the dogs has to go out.  I get up and let one or both of them out to make yuck, wait for them to finish making yuck and then give them a doggie treat for making said yuck in the backyard instead of under the piano bench. If one dog is out and the other dog is curled up somewhere else sleeping, it’s inevitable that once I re-snuggle up I hear the RING RING RING of the other dog who needs to make yuck. These pooches are not in synch.  I always think I should just take my glass of wine with me, but inevitably I forget and miss out on the sippy goodness. SIGH.

Once I get all snuggled up and greet my sweet drink with a little slurp, I hear the buzzer of the dryer go off – BUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZ! I don’t always get up at this point, but the majority of the time I know that if I don’t, I’m going to end up having to re-wash or have to iron some crap that is too nasty for even me to wear wrinkly-like.  Again, I think I should take the glass with me but I’m easily distracted and end up forgetting. SIGH.

After I fluff and fold, I run the piles upstairs and inevitably one of kids (who I’ve tucked in 62.32 times at this point) wants another snuggle or a drink or to be re-tucked in. I think that I should run downstairs and get my wine because I could sip and snuggle, but like I said before, I’m easily distracted and forget.

At this point if I don’t fall asleep in one of the beds with my kids post snuggle, (thereby wasting the entire glass of wine) I make my way downstairs after anywhere from 5-30 minutes after getting sucked into the kid vortex. I take a sip of my beloved white wine and find that the chill is gone.  I buy cheap, and warm, cheap white wine is like drinking flat, stale beer with fruit loop flavoring. Gross. I have to get up again but of course this time I remember to bring the wine.

I transfer my wine into another glass with ice, ‘cause I roll classy like that, and wait for the chill to come back. Of course it’s watered down and not as buzzy good now. (Insert frown face)  Sometimes when I’m throwing all caution to the wind, I dump the warm wine down the sink and pour a fresh glass! This only happens if we have a surplus of cash for the month or I have found a $10 dollar bill that day while walking down the street. Neither of these things happened in to me over the last 5-10 years, but I like to pretend that they do sometimes and then I get CRAZY CARELESS WITH THE WINE, like I have a money tree in the back yard! I feel  rebellious and wasteful, so naughty!  Occasionally I have actually thrown back a glass BEFORE getting all distracted and needed so I’m subject to bad judgment  because I have a teeny buzzy wuzzy and I’m all cavalier with the vino.  I act all like a Kardashian (not the one who made the pee pee sex video though. The tall, smart ass one).

Usually either the bell rings again, a kid is pulling a bedtime stall AGAIN or I have to pee within two minutes of sitting down and snugglefying myself again. Of course I forget my wine when tending to the dogs or kids and seriously, who brings their drink into the bathroom unless they are at a party and trying to avoid getting roofied?

Many times when I’m in the bathroom I notice that either A) there is no toilet paper on the roll or B) there is a roll of toilet paper, but it’s almost empty and there are no spare rolls in the bathroom or C) there is something disgusting that needs my immediate attention because it’s a bodily fluid thing and I just HAVE to take care it. Once I tied up the loose ends with regard to the shitter, I head back chillsville.

 I notice that my wine glass is still FULL.  I take one sip and then another and then a gulp and I feel warm and cozy.  I sink further into whatever place I’m chillaxing and realize that I’m too horizontal to drink without spilling so I have to get vertical again to enjoy my beverage.  

I have about two of those horizontal to vertical adjustments in me before I’m snoring like a rhino with a head cold, unless of course a dog needs to go out, a kid needs a hit of momma, my weak bladder doesn’t betray me or the dryer dosen't  taunt me. 

See what I mean; PROBLEM!  The first step is admitting it and I’m doing that right now. Hello, my name is Nikki and I have a problem wasting wine, forgetting wine and being too distracted to drink my wine. Can you help me?

And that photo on my Facebook page today? Bullshit. It took a week and a half to drink that wine and why doesn't anyone just put a new roll of paper towels on when they use the last one? Pass the wine.

Filed under: Uncategorized

Comments

Leave a comment
  • What you need is a beer hat.

  • fb_avatar

    Ingenious! I think someone needs to invent a "classy" version of the beer hat - one with a chiller for white and one without for reds! OMG - applying for a patent now!

  • fb_avatar

    I think it's important to note that I think all the parents out there 'feel you' on this one....

    There's always red wine - served at room temperature! That way, when you come back to it after the 65th tuck-in, it tastes exactly the way it was when you poured it. I'm a big fan.

    Or you could just try knocking your kids out with chloroform; sweet dreams, kids....

  • fb_avatar

    Have you considered a Camelbak? Hands free portable hydration. Just sayin'.

  • Nic, wave the white flag in surrender and just start doing shots. Game over.

  • fb_avatar

    Bravo, this is amazing. I totally relate and laughed my butt off. Awhile back, I sat pathetically falling asleep on the couch trying to enjoy a glass of red wine. I caved. I asked my husband to please put it in a sippy cup so I could lay down and drink it. lol. He hasn't let me live it down.

  • Me too! I am sure my babysitter thinks I am a total wino what with all the half-empty glasses of wine I leave sitting around here.

    I started buying the little bottles of wine, too, because I leave the bottle out and then the whole thing goes bad!

  • In reply to Christine Whitley:

    I have drank it the next morning...swear to god! I hate waste! Breakfast of champions. I mean...when you spend 8 bucks on a bottle and thats all you have for the week...you know! I buy the same cheap wine Nikki.

  • This is my life. I buy wine by the box (because it is uber cool to have a tap in your fridge to hold your wine glass under) and yet, my dogs do the same EXACT thing. I hate the "in and out" game. They seriously screw with me, I am sure of it.

    The retarded dog will want to go outside, while the smart one will be burrowed in a nest of pillows and blankets *I* should be tucked in and even with encouragement to go outside, for synchronized shitting, the bitch waits until the other is in...and I am in the middle of something I want to do. THEN, the Diva wants to go out. She doesn't ring a bell, she has an annoying "I WANT TO GO OUT RIGHT NOW!" bark.

    Where were you five minutes ago, bitch? (Ok, the retarded dog always sticks her nose right under the Diva's balloon knot when she tries to pinch a loaf and I can understand that Diva might like to poop in private...but I hate getting up and down all the time) Not sure what her fascination is with her sister pooping, but it must be unnerving.

    I, too, find myself horrified to find either no toilet paper on the roll, no extra, body fluids, or worse yet, my boyfriend multitasks when he is in there. I cast a glance sometimes to the trash to see an apple core in the bathroom trash.

    How anyone can shit and eat at the same time is beyond me.

    But maybe he is onto something and maybe I would waste less wine. :)

  • Oh no no no. Here's what you do: Leftover wine goes straight into the ice cube trays. Then, when your wine gets warm, you've got ice cubes that don't water down the wine!

  • fb_avatar

    I have exactly the same problem. And because red wine gives me a headache, and I'm not going to start buying expensive whites that taste okay warm, I am switching to tequila shots.

Leave a comment