Did you say something?

Today I am focused. My superhero name today will be Focus Girl. I shall stay on task and be the mom I’ve always not been, that I rarely am, but that I want to be, because I have a list.

First on the list is laundry. I so got this. Maybe my superhero name should be Focus Mom, instead of Focus Girl. I’m really no longer a girl. Focus Woman would be fine, but since my goal is having focus on my mom duties today, I think Focus Mom is good. I wonder if wearing a cape would increase this focus. Sort of like a reminder in case I lose the list. Why am I in the garage?

Boy, “Can I go to Chuck’s house?”

Me,” YES.”

Boy,” Will you please drive me?”

Me,” YES.”

Boy,” When?”

Me,” YES.”

Boy,” MOM! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?”

Me, “No, I don’t have any cash, Sweetheart.”

Boy, “What?”

Me,”Mm mm, yes?”

Boy, “Forget it, I’ll skateboard over.”

Me,”Skateboard where? Where are you going? Why do you need money?”

Boy, “MOM!!! Can you please listen?”

Me, “Yes, I promise. I was just focused on the laundry.”

Boy, “They why are you in the garage?”

Me, “I was looking for a cape.”

Boy, “Seriously, Can I go to Chucks? Will you please drive me? And NO, I don’t need money.”

Me, “You don’t have to be a rude little dude about it. Let me go upstairs and get my keys.”

I’m overwhelmed the lion’s share of the time. I just love using that lion’s share thing, and I don’t even know what it means. I do know that lions are powerful and beautiful and that the female lions do all the hunting while the cubs play and the males sleep all day.I can't imagine the focus it takes to hunt in the wild. I'm glad I don't have to kill dinner, because I already have a lot going on today. I mean if I had to, I'd just put it on the list in place of  "cook dinner."  HAHAHAHA!  I'm not just focused, I'm hilarious, which reminds me to get focused.

Get the keys, drive the boy, get the keys, and drive the boy.  My keys are upstairs in my bedroom. I need to go upstairs.  I’m standing in the middle of my bedroom upstairs. Why am I even in the room?  Am I in there because I need to be, or because someone needed something?  I am an expert finder.  I’m the only one who can find anything around here.  Am I in the room looking for said lost/misplaced something for someone else or was it my idea? If I had my list I’d know. Maybe I came up here looking for a cape?

What a mess. I’m totally adding this room to my list.  The ceiling fan is disgusting. I’m always too tired at night when I’m in bed. I’ll just clean it now real quick, and then I won’t have to add it to my list. I am so focused.  What next?  My list is downstairs. I don’t know why I was upstairs anyway. LAUNDRY! Husband person really needs his pants today. I’m downstairs, but now I remember why I went upstairs, because I am focused. I turn around to go back up and to get the KEYS and then………..

Girl, “Can I watch T.V?”

Me,” YES. ”

Girl, “Can you please make me some cheese and crackers?”

Me,”YES.”

I walk to the kitchen.  I start making cheese and crackers.

My husband loud walks through the kitchen, mumbling something about his pants. He REALLY needs those pants today. The dryer buzzer goes off, and since I’ve washed the same damn load of laundry no less than 4 times because I’ve let it sit in the washer too long, AND don’t want to do that again -  I zoom  to the laundry room. Not only am I focused, but I am fast. I’d be faster with a cape.  I fold the stuff in the dryer with the intent of switching the wet, clean stuff over, PRONTO, because the man needs his pants. I’m totally focused. This list is really helping.

Girl,”Mom, can I have some cheese and crackers?”

Me, “Yeah, baby, sorry, sorry, sorry.”

I leave the laundry room to finish making cheese and crackers.

Boy, “Are you still driving me to Chuck’s?”

Me, “Oh, sorry. Yes. Yep. Gimme just a sec…..”

Me, (to girl)”WHY ARE YOU WATCHING T.V? I TOLD YOU THAT YOU COULDN’T WATCH T.V. UNTIL YOUR ROOM WAS CLEAN.”

Girl,”I asked you and you said YES!”

Husband,”You did say that. You did. I mean, I’m just saying that I heard you say YES so…….”

I walk away. I need a quiet minute to re-focus. I walk to my happy room, with the piano and my favorite pictures and there is DOG CRAP UNDER THE PIANO BENCH!  Since it is already dried up, I’ll just put that on my list. I need to stay focused.   I should go the kitchen and get my list.

OH MY GOD I KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND A CAPE! I run to the basement and dig through the dress up clothes. YESH!! Red and shiny and just the thing I need because it reinforces my hilariousness and helps me focus. Today I am totally the mom I’ve always wanted to be. I am so focused. Shit……the laundry.

I run through the kitchen towards the laundry room, and all three of them; Hungry, Ride-less and Pants-less are standing there just staring at me, shaking their heads.

Me, “WHAT? No, seriously you guys, if you need something, you should put it on my list.”

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  • Nikki, that picture is terrifying. Please find your cape. Boys! Help your mom find her cape!!

  • i am shameless when it comes to the reality of what i look like. my cape is nice and soft. when i am overwhelmed, i curl up in the fetal position and stroke the silky satin until i can focus. pass the ritalin.

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    In reply to Nicole Knepper:

    Omg!! I love this! This is how my days are EVERYDAY! Maybe I need a cape! Lol...you are amazing!

  • The photo is delightfully insane and I'll be sharing it on chicagotribune.com.

  • In reply to ChicagoNow Staff:

    great, now i'm going to get flooded with offers to model or marry rich athletes. like i'm not totally busy right now, greenfield, but fine. the picture is something to see. it 'tis it 'tis.

  • Greenfield? Who's Greenfield? I'm just another bot writing as I'm programmed to do. I have no free will.

  • In reply to ChicagoNow Staff:

    i have suspected as much, however this doesn't change my concern over the unbelievable number of people who are going to fall deeply in love with me and then i'll be known as a heartbreaker instead of a complete freak. i've worked hard for this reputation....

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    Holy mother of Jesus. So I'm not the only one with this problem? The list PILES up and gets longer and longer that I can't even force myself to write it down. The voices, be it the husband, daughters, or in my own head, become so overwhelming!

    All that to say, I think I need a cape. I'm going to get right on that.

  • In reply to Fawn Wheat:

    i think you might be onto something, fawn. if we get capes with cute little faces on them, then it would be even MORE rad and helpful, because we could name the cape and it could be our sidekick/partner/new bff. i hate doing housework alone. it's dull and lonely. i'm going to take some time to really get to "know" my cape and then figure out a name. this is so oooooooooooo exciting.

  • One of my favorite pictures of you. That picture says it all. I know how you feel. I do the same thing with laundry and am always walking into rooms and forgetting why I went there.
    Such is the life of a SAHM. Lots of love to you, Nikki. School starts soon, right? ;)

  • In reply to kantal113:

    hearts and farts, lady. school has started. can i get a BOO YA?

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    lol nicole this is so funny and totaly my life, but add in two more kids, 3 boys one girl, all under 6 and a cat who wont stop meowing for the life of you, on a side note, when said husband starts grumbling tell him to go change over the laundry himself and you take a bath!!

  • In reply to Jamie Williams:

    husband may not touch the laundry. i'd have to punch him. he wrecks it. he can, however put it away.

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    ps i love the pic,

  • In reply to Jamie Williams:

    some don't share your opinion. i couldn't help myself. shame left me years ago.

  • So true! Thank you for confirming that I don't have early onset dementia. After seeing your photo, I don't feel so bad about posting a picture of myself on my FB page today looking like Chris Farley's lunch lady character while getting my hair colored. You've once again set the bar for normalcy or an acceptable abnormalcy, depending on how you look at it.

  • In reply to thelaughingmom:

    I AM VERY SEXY IN THAT PHOTO.

  • Focus is the number one thing I want in life right now. So, I asked my therapist (yes, I see a therapist.) what I could do to find more focus in my life. She laughed at me and said "You have three small kids. It's not going to happen." Are you fucking kidding me?
    BTW, why the hell didn't husband go put his pants in the dryer? My husband has finally accepted he can't rely on me for shit. Except to stay home with the parasites when he wants to drink with friends or work more hours or avoid us all together. That's about all I'm reliable for.
    Speaking of distractions/focus... my 1 year just stuffed a number 3, off the fridge, into his mouth and choked himself until he threw up, while I sat here reading and relating. Whoops. Oh well...

  • In reply to jkrings:

    your therapist sounds brilliant. and my husband is under strict orders NOT to touch the laundry. he's more flaky than i am and he screws it up. he can do the dishes anytime though..........HINT HINT ERIC.

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    I am sooooo happy right now I can just about cry! (Not at the #3 child choking thing, but can relate). I am finding comfort in this blog, and comments. Sigh.... My husband does not understand (nor have I figured out the solution for my distractions driven to completed loss of focus) ~how very competent women, who have successes of winning top honors, complete with the ability to negotiate large contracts, easily jumping the hurdles of issues; to leaving that all behind, and become the Stay-at-home- disorganized/easily distracted Mom? Now, if I could only find that list I started this morning to things I need to accomplish, I just might get something done. Reminder to self: Why I am on this blog in the first place? Oh, that's right! Was looking for the list, saw a shiny computer screen, and well, the rest is obvious.
    thank you

  • In reply to Jeannie Phillips:

    DON'T CRY! for real, i get it though. i feel so guilty when i walk into someone's house that is messier than mine and i quietly snicker and feel happy.

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    If by Cape you mean large doses of stimulant ADD medication... we could all be so focused. Now? No focus. Nothing ever, ever, ever actually gets finished at my house.

  • In reply to Krissy Aguilar:

    concerta? CHECK!

  • i keep forgetting to make a list.

  • In reply to JennyD:

    you sould make a list on your hand. mine starts there quite frequently. use a sharpie.

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    OMG I'm not even a mom, and this is hilarious! I'm literally in tears, in my office, all my coworkers wondering when the hell I developed a snort. Shit! now they are going to know I'm not really working... dammit.

    Can I send the unicorn pic to my mom?

  • Nicole,
    I was very focused on writtng reports this morning when I lost focus by reading your blog....I feel just like you!

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    This was great! I think every mom can relate to to the cheer chaos it can be at times. Now I just got to find that perfect cape. Thanks for the laugh!

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    You Rock and so "get" me!!

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    Love this! I am so getting a cape!

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    was laughing my A** off i have so many of those days, and the husband always needs pants lol

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    Sweet Jesus, YES!! Oh my Lord, I was CRYING! I totally get this. This is me. Every. Damn. Day. Me and my Ritalin are best friends and even then I don't manage to be Focus Mom. However, with being pregnant with #3 and Ritalin being on the no-no list I feel like telling everybody it may be safer if they fend for themselves!

    I just recently found you (thank that funniest mom blogger list that was up and begging for votes earlier this month) and I believe you might be my new girl crush! I'm loving everything. Thanks for being the mom that I was afraid to admit I am, and owning it with all your awesome hilarity!

  • In reply to Becca Cannon:

    the life of an adhd mom is the most insane and hilarious of all. thanks for writing and i am so glad you are here. fo sho!

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