Herpes and Dinner

Herpes and Dinner
TROOF. I'm sure Satan takes Valtrex.

Dinner is a soul sucking demon. Just as glitter is the herpes of the craft world, dinner is the herpes of the mom world.

 You can go all day and not have thoughts of dinner, but it’s lingering, lurking, and mocking you because you know it’s there. It’s waiting to flare up and irritate the living shit out of you. Dinner never goes away.  Dinner is forever. 

Why? Why is it like this for us? I’m a below average cook with ADHD, but that’s not why I struggle with dinner. I struggle because dinner needs to happen at that time of day when everyone around my house, including me, is losing their marbles. At least that’s my excuse for why everything is either, burnt, undercooked or so full of dog hair that we end up in dinner misery half of the time.

The kids are tattling on and clobbering each other, while fighting over who is breathing too loud. The dogs are awake and sniffing around hoping scraps fall while I cook, and I’m tripping over them and feeling my blood pressure rise.  My husband likes to call and ask what I’m doing and what I’m wearing and try to get me into some dirty phone talk. WHAT DOES HE THINK I’M DOING? DOES HE THINK I’M STRUTTING AROUND HERE IN MY BEST SEX PANTIES, PLANNING A BIG OL' SEX FEST? I also like how solicitors really dig calling at this time of day. FanTAStic.

 And then there’s the complaining. The incessant bitching and moaning about the fact that I’m NOT making frozen pizza and macaroni and cheese every night literally makes me want to jump out of my skin, or uncork the vino. Yep, wine helps. Sometimes I do handstands in the kitchen so that the blood runs to my head and feeds my fried grey matter, but that shit hurts now that I’m over 40 and when I do it, I end up falling on top of one of the dogs.

In my case, I’ve been home all day and by dinnertime I need a little personal space and kid-free time. When I was working outside the home, I was tired from the intensity of my job and the long commute. It sucks being the mom at dinnertime.  No matter where the mom is all day or what she does with the hours, dinner is still a blistering sore that pops up under stress. Time alone is the unicorn of motherhood; a beautiful yet ridiculous fantasy.

The thing I dislike the most is the guilt. Who am I to crank about HAVING to care for people. I chose this life.  Like my kids say, they didn’t ask to be born. I created the little monsters on purpose with the intent of feeding and watering them on a regular basis. I feel guilty when I’m crabby and short tempered. I feel guilty when I don’t have the energy to make a decent meal and I end up throwing Lucky Charms in a bowl and considering the variety of colors a good substitute for NOT having all the food groups represented.

Caring for my family is both an honor and a pain in the ass. There are days when I look at my life and feel confused at how I got to this place. When did I become a middle aged, married mother of two who will not have a sick day unless I’m incapacitated due to a terminal illness OR in the hospital, because as we all know, moms can’t take a sick day.

I’ll bet some nag troll who likes to argue and stir up the pot is reading this thinking that I’m a whiny baby who just wants to fantasize about unicorns and wine. Well DOY! I totally am. Wouldn’t you be irritated if you had herpes, I MEAN DINNER!

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  • Well said. I remember this feeling from when I was a SAHD. Except for the sexy talk part. Working wives don't usually call for some sexy talk time during dinner making. (Although, we sometimes wish they would.)

    Thanks for the reminder of how much dinner planning sucks. I'll keep this in mind tonight.

  • In reply to fromthebungalow:

    i like sexy talk. i wish dinner planning involved sexy talk. now i'm thinking of a plan..........thanks, chris.

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    Yep. Herpes was burnt bacon and some really ugly pancakes. Sue me.

  • In reply to Shawn Reiniche:

    even burnt bacon is happiness to me. bacon makes me sing.

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    Truer words were never spoken. Dinner is the freaking nemesis of all Moms. Why can't WE come home, flop down and put OUR hand down our pants? Because we are energizer bunnies and never stop. Dinner sucks big time a$$.

  • In reply to Nicole Ricker:

    this cracked me up. exactly. hand directly the drawers and down to the boxers and dress socks. al bundy was no embellishment.

  • ...lets talk dirty wife"... thats funny shit..nice work - keep killing yourself so I can giggle on your quarter like a man is entitled to do

  • In reply to joeschiller:

    oh joe, you and my hubs would be fast friends. with your tall weirdness. yes, 'twoud be a match made in nikki mocking heaven for you both.

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    Preach it, sister. I love to cook on the weekends, but truly do not enjoy it Monday through Friday. It is maddening! Throw in swim lessons at 6:30, and the kids are doing good to get a Lunchable before we head out the door.

  • In reply to muamy72:

    lunchables.......an absolute RACKET! rip off and my daughter would eat them for every meal instead of the special occasion that i buy them. xo

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    This is good shit. Thank god I don't have kids, I get annoyed just having to feed myself.

  • In reply to Tonya:

    kids aren't so bad........;)

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    YES!!!!!!!!!

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    My new unicorn has been to freeze everything I can, so it can just come out of the fridge. Also, cooking stuff like spaghetti for the fridge to just be taken out...... easy easy is key. Screw cooking every night!!!! If I cook on weekends, boyfriend watches kids so I just cook once a week now and store it

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    Me "Kids we're going out to dinner tonight!" Kids "Yippee" As we pull into the 7-Eleven... Kids "Oh' you need gas before we go out to eat?" Me "We are out to eat!" Nutrition is always served best in a plastic bag.

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    I think you have some how tapped into my every thought here!! I feel you! This is my everyday!! Of course I wouldn't change it for the world! But I do live for those days when the kids stay at a friends, or gma's! And the hubby's at work that is my Unicorn!! lol

  • OMG, I finally get it. Of course you drink and swear. We gotta talk, girl.

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    I am SO with you. When I get the call that my 5yr old wants to spend the night w/ grandma, I secretly jump up and down inside knowing I only have to cut up a hot dog and microwave some canned veggies for my 2 yr old and can sit my ass on the couch and watch what I want. When my DH comes in from his man cave and asks about dinner on these occasions, I just point to the 2 yr old's plate.

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    I absolutely LOVE this blog..... It is so my situation EVERYDAY..... and even when I know I will be gone during dinner, I still prepare it. Love the way you compare it to herpes!!!! So true!

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    Fucking perfection. Dinner is my herpes as well, whether I have worked that day or stayed at home from my job (which mind you, on my days "off", I babysit a kid to bring in some extra money, only adding more stress to my days "off" with my own two children).
    I'd like to take this time to say, "Fuck you, dinner. Fuck you."
    Oh, and I heart you Nikki. Like I wanna-dry-hump-you heart you. Like I'll-buy-you-a-case-of-vodka-and-clean-your-house-to-meet-you heart you.

  • Werd. Werd. WERD. Dinner is the bane of my existence. I actually like to cook, but I don't like to cook when it becomes a chore, and when I've been working from home all day and dealing with my DD and DS and their incessant fighting and tattling and wreaking havoc and wreckage on my home. I have a boy who will turn his nose up to anything that doesn't involve a hot dog/pizza/macaroni and cheese/peanut butter sandwich/taco night. I can make pork tenderloin with port wine and fig sauce, roasted asparagus, and rice, and he will look at me and say, "That's just gross. I won't eat that," no matter that he's never freakin tried it! So yeah, I hate dinnertime, which sucks because growing up it was always my favorite time of day, catching up with the 'rents and sister about our days and eating, because let's face it, I love to talk and to eat. Add wine, and these are three of my favorite things! (I'm singing this along with Julie Andrews.)

  • It's like you say what I'm thinking! My husband can not figure out why I hate planning/making dinner. This about sums it up right there.
    You forgot to mention that on the nights you do make mac n cheese or frozen pizzas, the Energy Sucking Parasites complain. "That's not what I wanted!" Of course they never do indulge me with what it is they do want.
    There are times when I feel ice cream for supper is perfectly acceptable.

  • I hate dinner. And I hate the herp. They are so very much alike indeed.

  • Well said. I did NOT want to make dinner tonight but I have these spawns (I love that you use spawn btw, I've called my kids spawns for years) to feed so I felt guilty as I put it off until well after normal dinner time. We should get "dinner passes" that allow us do "everyone for themselves" nights and not feel guilty.

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    In reply to smilnred77:

    I always called those nights YoYo nights - as in, You're on Your Own (for dinner) nights. And I don't remember feeling guilty. o_0

  • In reply to Leslie Crosby:

    trust me, as soon as the kids can do it, i'm sicking THEM on dinner.

  • In reply to smilnred77:

    guilt. you are lucky your kids can do for themselves. do you think it makes them appreciate you more? i'm hoping the answer is "yes." i need to hear a lie.

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    At least for Herpes you can take anti-viral drugs and decrease the frequency. I'd give anything for a drug that would make the 4 penis' that live in my house Not ask what is for dinner!!

  • In reply to Nikki Knust:

    benadryl...........bahahahahahaha.

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    I LOVE IT!!!!

    Not too long ago, I tried a new dish. I wasn't going out on a limb, it had ground beef, cheese and elbow pasta
    in it for chrissakes! One kid hated it so much that he threw up on me (he's 3 and he was sitting on my lap), the other smelled the puke and began gagging, I yelled at him to run for the toilet. Instead he just walked closer to me and puked on me too. WTF? I think I would rather have herpes! LOL
    Great post. Hilarious. BTW - you know me as neurotypicalmom@gmail.com

    Or my blog at neurotypicalmom.com

    Thanks for the laugh tonight! I totally needed it.

  • In reply to Carolyn:

    i love your blog. have read it and shared it on my page before. just keep at it, baby. never give up.

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    Ahhh...the guilt. The only thing green my kid will eat is fried okra. THAT makes me feel like a guilty failure. Yeah that ain't organic either. I have a 2.5 yr old, just getting started in the mom business and already know I'm not going it right. But I do care, like you. So I'm always resolving to do it better next meal, or next morning and sometimes I do and sometimes not. But I look right into his beautiful blue eyes every day and tell him I love him. I think that is the only thing that really effing matters...that I say it with truth and he feels that. Blah blah actions are blah blah louder than blah...but not every time. F dinner. Right? What's for dinner? How should I know? I'm just the stupid mom.

  • In reply to Katherine Irvin:

    guilt and shame.....the twin taunts of motherhood. like we need any more help feeling bad, right? your kid just knows what's important. they tell us without even telling us. it's our own expectations that kill our ability to enjoy what is precious. we need to kick our own asses.

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    i like to freeze my herpes ahead in batches. then i have enough herpes to give my family even when i'm exhausted. double for my husband.

  • In reply to Lisa Schamess:

    frozen herpes. now you got me thinking......................bahahahahahahaha!

  • Dinner has been my enemy for a long time. I could totally relate what you wrote about it nagging you at the back of your mind all day. My trouble comes from my damned husband. Whenever I bring the question up "What do you want for dinner tonight" he comes up with some smart ass remark that makes me have to decide what to feed him like "What is there to eat?" or "Whatever you're having." Can I scream yet? I have to literally make 3 separate meals every night, one for me because my fat ass can't eat whatever the shit it wants without expanding, one for my husband who can eat whatever fattening, carb loaded shit he wants without gaining an ounce, and another one for my daughter who for some sick reason only eats mac and cheese, rice, or tomato soup because of her sensory issues from having ADHD. So lucky me, not only do I get to cook 3 separate meals for each of our unique diets, I also have to clean the mess and wash all the dishes and pans. Do you know many pans I have to clean after cooking 3 separate meals? Nough said, I hate the shit out of dinner.

  • In reply to msluna85:

    dinner is a sinner. sensory issues make dinner more of a stupid whore than an actual stupid whore. it's so frustrating when ignorant people think that we can just MAKE our sensory kids eat. they'd rather starve. bless your baby heart and hang in there. xo

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    Wow, for a minute there, I thought you were blogging about my life, glad to know Im not the only one whose husband calls right in the middle of making dinner and wants to talk dirty. There is a baby screaming in the background, a 3 year old yelling "I wanna talk to daddy!" a fucking dog right under my feet who wont leave my side (unless I bring out the vacumn cleaner), shit all over the counters and floor in the kitchen, and he starts yapping about what am I wearing.....really dude? I'll tell ya what Im wearing, baby vomit & crusty panties because I got to workout on the treadmill for 15 minutes while I had some alone time around 9AM, its now 5 PM and I could really use a wash and a nap, what I dont have any use for at this present time is some dick. But I appreciate the fact you still find me attractive enough to even want to do it.

  • you have a good perspective. it's amazing that they still want us, considering all of us at some point or another just let it all go.

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    Thank you Nicole. I'm a small business owner with ONLY my first child on the way and my husband has a long commute, but long before I become a wife or even thought of becoming a MOM I hated the dreaded dinner making. I only have the dog distraction and it's still too much! Just not a fan of cooking. But I'm trying! I can feel my blood starting to boil at about 3:00pm thinking about what to make....dun dun dun. Thanks for this great insight. It made me smile and realize I ain't seen nothing yet;)

  • In reply to Jennifer Johnson:

    you are welcome. i like it when people thank me for ranting like a lunatic. it's free therapy for all of us.

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    Holy shit you've been reading my sick twisted mind. I've married for 15 years and have 4 soul sucking cherubs, with 3 of them being teenagers now. As much as I want to throw offerings of cheap wine at your feet I must for the sake of my sanity keep it to myself or I will move on to something stronger. I love everyone of children and I love being their mother but what the hell was I thinking?? I can barely dress myself. Seriously I wear fricking pajamas to work.

  • In reply to Robin Wagenknecht:

    i do wear pajamas to work since i write. it ain't all it's cracked up to be robin. most days you could use the grease from my hair to fry eggs. i don't know what any of us were thinking. i don't think we think really when it comes to kids. it's our loins doing the bumping and that urge to procreate just takes over. if anyone really thought about it, there would be no more people. EVER.

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