Fill up the sex cup

Marriages are like snowflakes. They look the same when they are falling, but once you hold them in your hand and examine them under a magnifying glass, you see the complexity and uniqueness of the structure.  I am, however, seeing a pattern lately amongst friends. The guys want more sex, and the gals don’t want to give it. Like I said before, snowflakes people, the reasons for this are unique to the marriage.

Years ago, my husband was bitching about being neglected and complained that we hadn’t had enough time together, which is just code for “I need more sex.” On this particular day I was working on zero sleep after being up with one barfing kid. I had spent the morning cleaning, doing laundry, waiting on the sick kid and chasing a freakishly hyperactive pre-school kid around the house. My husband had slept soundly through the night and had been comfortably flipping channels in the recliner all morning while scratching his man parts. Oh, and he made himself a sweet ass omelet and didn’t offer me any.

Seriously, would you be turned on?

You can bet the attraction to him at that moment was intense. He became a magnet for my venom. I’m good with words. I can spin a damn metaphor that can make even the most blockheaded person understand a basic concept, yet I had never found the words to communicate my feelings of frustration.  

I told him this, “I am a cup. See me as a cup. Before I met you I was getting all filled up. I met you and shared what was in my full cup. You started draining my cup. These kids are also draining my cup. Life is sucking out my cup through a silly straw for God’s sake, and not one of you makes an effort to share what’s in your cups. I’m running on empty here so if you are going to sit there and whine about your cup then you better give me some of what you got because I can’t fill your cup with my empty cup.” End of rant.

I’ve often wondered over the years why marriage seems to be the death of sex for some couples and not for others. I’m still attracted to my husband. If I jumped him half of the time I actually think about it, I’d be doing a lot of jumping. The problem is that I’m usually dealing with some kid issue or he’s groping me while I’ve got my arms stuck in the hot, sudsy water, washing the dishes. Yeah, I’m so horny when I’m doing dishes. Good timing. For a smart man, he’s a total idiot when it comes to this stuff. He is not alone.

This weekend we will hit 17 years of marriage. I still like him most days but I’m stunned by the fact that he, like most men, cannot understand why I’m not chomping at the bit to polish his knob when I’m literally waist deep in dirty laundry after a trip out of town and he’s chilling in the recliner playing some nerd war game on his laptop and making references to his junk every time I walk past.

And so, almost 20 years in to a relationship with this man, I have figured out that he will always think that dishes and laundry make me horny.  He’s has, however, figured out how to fill up my cup (translation: pitch in with the housework, share your culinary masterpiece and listen to me yammer on about my day).

Happy Anniversary to the guy who only reads my blog when someone at work tells him that his wife is funny, because let’s face it, he just wants me to be horny.

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  • Great post. Wasn't "Fill Up The Sex Cup" a Neil Diamond song?

  • In reply to ChicagoNow Staff:

    no doll, that was COMING in America. thilly!

  • Wow...when have you had time to peek in my windows and see my life? This is so very true in my house as well.. and the fact that you feel if you jumped him just half as many times as you thought about it- well....that pretty much is EXACTLY how I feel!!!

  • Polish his knob. Lady, you are priceless!

  • You make me smile!!!! I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for about four years now. He doesn't get it. We take care of grand babies ( one neurotypical and one asd and adhd) and their mother, my step daughter.
    She has finally moved out of our house. Thank you Jesus!!! She still depends on us alot. How do you say "NO!" without being a bitch? I have no answer to this. My dh will come up to me and pinch my nipples and grab my crotch at the times when I am totally stressed. I think it gets their adrenaline pupming. Why are they ssssoooo stupid?

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    In reply to arm504a:

    You and I need to talk! I can totally relate to what you wrote about you husband not getting it because mine is so in the dark with all of this even after 23 1/2 years of marriage.

  • In reply to Renee Hale:

    men. are. weird. the end.

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    Nah, it's not that guys think you're horniest when you're doing dishes or laundry...for some odd reason, some guys are at their horniest when we're cleaning. Some sort of June Cleaver-esque obsession?

  • In reply to Dolores Voglesonger:

    you're rite,my husband doesn't care what I do all day but God help me if he finds me alone in the kitchen cooking or washing dishes...he says it's so sexy when when I get all domestic ,I have my suspicions that he is mind F'ing me into cleaning,if so I don't give him enough credit because that is brilliant

  • In reply to BrandySueHarper:

    he thinks you are HAWT.

  • In reply to Dolores Voglesonger:

    mommy issues? now i'm going all think freudian.

  • Keep writing and you'll soon afford a couple foreign housekeepers to take care of the kids and laundry, leaving plenty of polishing-the-knob time.

  • In reply to gwill:

    i just want to be able to pay the bills and maybe take the brats to disney. is that too much to ask?

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    I F'ing love your Blog! I love it so much I wanna marry it! Or maybe I wanna marry you... I dunno... all I know is I f'ing LOVE your Blog!

  • In reply to Sue Proulx:

    ok. can we elope though? i did the whole big wedding, white dress shit. it made me nervous. how about aruba?

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    I refer to my "cup" as a bag of M&Ms. I start each day (if I'm lucky) with a full bag. As soon as my feet hit the floor, these people who live in my house and eat my food start to empty my bag. I also teach, so I have kids all day stealing my M&Ms. My ex husband never got this - never ever understood that the less he did, the less inclined I was to let him touch me. I'm not your maid; I'm your partner. And so it went.

    Now I'm one of the luckier women in the world. My SO gets the sex thing - gets that I'm tired, and that he needs to help out -or fill my bag (hee hee) in order to get me in the mood. He once told me, "You should never feel obligated to have sex." And because he said that, I never turn him down. But he's a smart man.

    If more men read this blog - maybe they'd "get it" and then "get some." For reals.

  • In reply to Laura Martin:

    m&m's also work well. awesome in fact. you can even assign the colors to your moods. you might just be a genius. i'm so on this now. since the cup analogy hasn't convinced anyone here that dishes don't make me horny. you sound like a lucky girl, laura. i love hearing happy marriage stories. love love love to your family.

  • I am seriously printing this out and showing to my husband. You've put into words what Ive been trying to express for the past 20 years myself!!! You're AWESOME!!! :0)

  • In reply to pigsnout91:

    i read it to my husband and he said, "so, you prefer that i hump you when you are mopping the floor then?"

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    Dh.. Hey babe, I've got something for you. Me...A Porsche? Him..No, better! Me...Whatever. Him... Well if you don't want it then fine. I can't beleive that I'm married to the smartest man in the world. Reverse psychology is brilliant. Now, I WANT it! I may just beg.

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    Love your blog,

    I am a stay at home dad, kids now 10 & 13 so I see much of life from a moms point of view, but I have to say on the rare occasion when my wife does the dishes all that bending over the sink and butt wiggling as she moves around gets to me.

    Thanks and keep up the great work.

  • In reply to William Stephens:

    bless you for being bad ass with the nuts to be there for your kids. i do understand that part about the dishes. my husband says the same thing. i know i should be flattered.....i'm working on this. you gave me something to think about.

  • Ahhh, it does go on in other houses too. I sent your post to my husband with the title, "See, I'm not the only one..." His reply was, "At least I don't play nerd war games on my computer." I guess watching Godfather marathons, ESPN and every encore of Roadhouse is a little more high brow. Very funny.

  • In reply to thelaughingmom:

    oooooooooooo a Godfather Trilogy marathon with DQ blizzards....wait sorry, i got sidetracked because you mentioned that AND Roadhouse. glad you liked it laughing mom.

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