Dr. Rosenpenis - the urban deviant

I have learned a LOT of stuff about navigating the health care system this year. I've also learned about sexual deviance. You heard me right. These are just two of the things I've been schooled on this year but I think somehow for the purposes of my rant, I'll attempt to demonstrate their interconnectedness.

For the purpose of this blog, I shall refer to all doctors as Dr. Sanchez, and the Urban Dictionary simply as the Dick. I want to avoid being sued by Dr. Sanchez, AND since Urban Dictionary is technically not a dictionary, I feel good about my decision here and everybody knows that the Dick is THE go to place when seeking just the right word to describe freakishly aberrant and filthy acts of physical affection. Doy.

The first thing I learned about doctors is that there is no correlation between being a doctor and being respectful of patients. I feel confident about this statement, as my sample is as random as they come. I've been to more hospitals, nursing homes, rehab centers and offices this year than I care to mention. The saddest thing to me is the condescending and glib manner in which the multitude of Dr. Sanchezs treated my mother, a senior citizen with an incredibly complex medical history. GLIB.

With the impending changes in healthcare and the cuts in Medicare spending, you would think Dr. Sanchez would understand that the blue hair mafia is a virtual cornucopia of referrals, but it just isn't so. As a professional going into these situations with my mother, I knew enough to be dangerous. Now I know enough to be dangerous and angry. Dr. Sanchez needs a throat punch.

Now I might throw out a term like donkey punch, meaning that I'd use my heel to kick the good doctor in the head, but the Dick defines donkey punch as throwing someone a sock in the noggin after giving them some baby batter in the backdoor. See what I mean about learning stuff?

Who knew, right?

Holy WHATEVER! I'm sure the etymology of the words donkey and punch doesn't support this definition and since my sex life doesn't include Kung-Fu in any form, I feel that it is safe to use the expression as I see fit. Now don't ask me about dirty sanchez, because I know this Mexican guy with the last name of Sanchez who never takes a shower and so you know what I call him, right?

Back to the world of the fratasticlly callous crew of M.D's that seem like someone treated them to a cold henry (look it up). Did you know that Dr. Sanchez spends only 10-16 minutes with his patients on average? So, if during that time, Dr. Sanchez treats his senior citizen patients in a glib and condescending manner , this could result in the blue hairs considering him a Doctor Killjoy (once again, use the Dick). This is bad for business because as of January 2011, every single day for the next 19 years, 10,000 baby boomers are turning 65.

Yes, you read that right every day....19 years......10,000 people turn 65. So Dr. Sanchez becomes Dr. Killjoy and his business becomes toilet bowl stew, then we shall meet Dr. Hymen Nucleus, former gliberaterian who didn't have the considerosity to use his 10-16 minutes with the elderberries that are certain to be the continued source of his bread and butter.

You might need the Dick to decipher this rant. As a caregiver that understands the complexity of this HUGE problem in our health care system, I can only recommend avoiding Dr. Feelgood and finding Dr. Rosen-Penis. Seriously, do you remember how thorough he was when getting information on Alan Stanwyk?

That's the kind of work ethic, bedside manner and dedication to the pursuit of knowledge that I can really get BEHIND.

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  • I heard he goes by "Dick".

  • FANTASTIC! *sigh* I heart you.

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