The Clean End of a Turd

"Political Correctness is a doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."


My friend Neil sent this little ditty to me just the other day. I want to snuggle hump whoever wrote it. I LOVE cool quotes.

First of all, I love the word TURD. In my opinion people don't use it enough. It provokes me into giggle fits, because I enjoy potty humor. Here are some of my favorite isms about turds; you can't dress up a turd, your face makes you look like you have a turd caught crosswise, that joke/idea went over like a turd in a punchbowl. I also like calling the dog a turd burglar when I see her eating rabbit crap like it's a delicious high quality kibble. WOOF! Were you wondering how I got so off topic? It happens.

Yesterday Christians "celebrated" Good Friday. In my opinion there is nothing to celebrate about crucifixion. I was raised Lutheran so I understand the point but since I escaped the clutches of organized religion and the bondage of man-made rules and guilt, I find it all the pomp and circumstance surrounding Easter to be really fucking upsetting. Bunnies, colored eggs, giving things up for Lent, walking around with ashes on foreheads, ridiculous bonnets, fancy new clothes and going to brunch are all things that confuse me. How does this help us honor and remember the sacrifice of Jesus Christ? How would I explain this strange behavior to aliens? Here's what I think I'd say...

"Hi there aliens from outer space. What? You are confused because one time a super long time ago there was a really smart, passionate and wonderful Jesus man who people mocked, flogged, and crucified and now the people who claim to worship him run around engaging in all kinds of bi-polar type shenanigans for a month before celebrate this torture because it's not only good for the economy but also distracts them from the original point of the 'holiday' which the entire religion is built upon - the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

"It is confusing Mr. Alien man, right? What WOULD Jesus do? Well it's hard to say since the stuff he supposedly said has been all twisted up and translated about a gazillion times by people with political and economic ulterior motives and he hasn't come back to give us an update. It's a mystery which brings me back to the original topic of why attempting to explain this to you using any political correctness is very much like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end."

I dig Jesus. I don't dig dogma and organized religion, because it confuses me, so I just eliminated the middle man. Me and God have an understanding, you know? I hope someday my kids will work it out with God themselves, but right now, I'm just trying to make sure they understand why our family doesn't participate in any of the ritual of organized religion. Why we focus on the concept of goodness and grace without putting label and limits on it. I tell them not to judge people who do, even if they sometimes judge us, because Jesus wouldn't want us to to that. Everybody needs to connect with God in their own way and in their own time.

Religious holidays can be difficult times for parents of young children, because kids ask so many questions and the answers just aren't simple! The concept of religion is complicated and difficult, even for adults, so how do I attempt to explain it to my kiddos? Well, I don't. Unless they ask, and then I simply tell them that there is no clean end of a turd. I do tell them that the tomfoolery and shenanigans that surround this "holiday" have nothing to do with the actual person and event that inspired it. I tell them the truth.

The truth is this - People do shitty shit in the name of righteousness and God and it's fucking shitty! I think Jesus would be pissed as all get out about the ridiculousness that is said and done in his name. I think he'd spend Easter Sunday attending a couple of weddings (gay and straight), healing people, having brunch with hookers and tax collectors (expecting them to pay, because you know, it's tax season and so they are rolling it the dough ) and then he'd assemble a group of smart, funny people and they would all sit around drinking from wineskins telling stories and giving each other foot massages.

No, I don't really say all that, but I'd like to. Usually we just end up dying eggs and eating the ears off chocolate bunnies. After all they are just kids and I think that's what Jesus would do if he had a couple of goofy little ones to entertain on a lazy Sunday in springtime.



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  • Uhhhg it kills me to celebrate this holiday. Even more so the boy is old enough to know it's just free swag for him, the girl still believes so the whole family has to pretend to enjoy the pastelly frill of fucking easter. Doesn't help Gram & Gramp are super Jesus lovers....
    Thank you for NOT being pc!

    Ps. Try poking a hole in the raw egg. Small hole on the small point & a one about the size of the tip of your pinkie on the bigger end. Blow out the insides into a bowl. Make cake batter of your choice from eggs, pour egg batter in the empty eggs (after gently rinsing out & drying) Don't fill completely leave room to rise. Put eggs in a muffin pan on there sides. Cook the same a cupcake. There is NO easy way to do this but having a million "egg cakes" instead of finding rot bombs 6 mos later is worth it!!

  • Perhaps I was too real for you. Stifling legit opposing views, particularly with this subject, is cowardly and sad. I'll be sure to wear kid-gloves next time.

  • In reply to gwill:

    interesting that you checked back. affirms my hypothesis that you just enjoy antagonizing me and other commentors, it's not what you say my dear, but how you say it and why you choose to say it here to me, publicly in a manner that is not informative and worthy of ongoing discussion. i find it fascinating and wonderful to engage in dialogue with people of differning opinions. your attempts to be-little me and commentors on my blog are mean spirited. if they were meant to encourage respectful sharing of opinions i would most certainly be leaving them up just as i do on my fan page/group page and here on the chicagonow host.

  • In reply to nikkiknep:

    You talk about being respectful?

    Take an objective look at what you wrote. Dead Jesus on their forehead, putting celebration in quotes......saying this on Easter weekend?

    But the most significant part about this article is what you didn't and I both know you wouldn't write this way about Islam and Muhammad. Why? Well, I went on about that before. But basically, it's just easy and hip to mock Jesus.

    This article was extremely provacative and had mean spirited undertones, especially because of WHEN it was written. I completely disagree with how you characterize me and my reply. I was responding at an equal level to the provacativeness of this article.

    I came back because no red-blooded American likes getting censored.....anywhere, anytime.

    By the way, I still enjoy reading your blog. See, I'm not all douchebaggy, just a little.

  • In reply to nikkiknep:

    I follow you on Facebook, and you are my shero. With that said, I certainly appreciate your candid thoughts, humor, and ability to be a realist in a world where pretentious bs is the call of the day. You make some, like me, forget our manners and roar with laughter to see our very own thoughts, however tacit, laid out before us; and some, like gwill, take a look at themselves, and try to blame you for their marred reflections.

    Many are a people of symbolic faith, and as such, we need the Easter Bunny, the Christmas tree, and Golden Calf, if you will, to feel that they belong to something. Forget the precepts of unconditional love and servitude, every baked ham and string of lights purchased last year in the half-off sale @ WalMart is a closer walk with Him. How dare we overlook such an intricately religious matter; we should be flogged in the noon day sun by the Easter Bunny, himself.

  • In reply to nikkiknep:

    I love this concept and also your blog....I stumbled across it on Facebook and I'm totally linking you in my own blog!!

  • In reply to nikkiknep:

    You showed much restraint in your to reply gwill..I would have been much more offensive.

    I follow you on fb and on this blog. I think you are delightful. I look forward to what you will have to say daily. You make me giggle and laugh out loud with your observations! Thanks...there are many days that you brighten for me. :)

  • In reply to gwill:

    Uh oh, looks like you have gotten yourself in trouble, above me..ommmverrrrrrr.

    Easter also makes me cringe, especially when my sweet baboos come home telling me the gory details of crucuification before I would even let them watch cable. Eww.

    Cake eggs may have just made my day.

    I have been stalking you for awhile, and finally created a login so I can comment from old Wyo. Sorry in advance.

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    I have a very irreverent post on Pinterest in which Jesus uses the "f" word. Given the debacle that today passes for Christianity, he would, and probably does.

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