How to start a blog

I receive many query emails from readers asking me how to start a blog. Depending on my mood, I either delete them without replying, or I reply with what I realize seems like a brief, somewhat curt message. I tell people to type “How to start a blog,” into whatever search engine they use and... Read more »

Just when I thought I knew a lot of things, I learned that ducks have corkscrew penises

My son knows stuff. He still loads the dishwasher WRONG WRONG WRONG, but he knows stuff. Stuff about ducks. Stuff about duck dicks. Don’t feed the ducks any funnel cake! They might get the diarrhea! – Me Ducks always sling mud because they have weak sphincter. Their poo is always soft serve. – Zach Ugh.... Read more »

How to do girl's night out right

How to do girl's night out right
A couple of years ago, I told my friend D about Donna’s Cancer Story. I encouraged him to read it. D told me that he just could not read it. At the time, his son Q was only two years old. “It’s too upsetting,” he claimed, “I just don’t think I can take it.” I... Read more »
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Shopping for school supplies is like getting stabbed in the eye with a #2 pencil

My awesome guest blogger today is Lenora Rand. She writes a blog here on ChicagoNow called Spiritual Suckitude - great fucking blog title, right? Who doesn’t want to be more spiritual? I know I do. You can find Lenora’s not sucky blog by clicking HERE and also “like” her on Facebook by clicking HERE. Now... Read more »

Dephuckinglicious Lasagna: Another F*ck You Dinner Recipe By Moms Who Drink And Swear

In July, I posted the first of what I hope will be many Fuck You Dinner recipes, a recipe for good goddamn homemade chicken tenders. I promised to share more, but I’ve spent the summer telling dinner to go fuck itself and letting my crothfruit’s shitty dinner requests roll and not cooking much. My kids... Read more »

I'm a little jealous of Jill Duggar

Jill Duggar-Dillard is pregnant. Damn, that was rapid-fire baby making, even by Duggar standards. I can just see her mighty breeder eggs leaping out of her ovaries and rolling toward the gallons of her husband’s pent up spermies. I’m jealous. Not because she’s pregnant. Oh hell no. I’d rather spend ten years wiping drool off... Read more »
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Seeing the other side: The lovers and the haters of The Ice Bucket Challenge

The ChicagoNow blogger community has started a new thing called This Blogger Life, sort of like This American Life, but with blogging. Our community managers give us a theme and we can choose to write about it. Or not. Last week, the theme was Taking a Break, and since I was still healing from my... Read more »

The day my daughter told me to shut up turned out to be a great day

I was helping my daughter practice tying her shoes. She had just done it for the very first time the previous day. Waaaaa! I can’t doooooooo it. I’ll never get it again! – Her You did it yesterday a whole bunch of times and you’ll do it again today. It just takes practice to get... Read more »

It's back to school time, assholes!

It’s that time of year again – back to school! And with back to school comes the inevitable bitching and bitches – and bastards and motherfuckers and also nice people and joy and freedom and blah, blah – but today I just want to focus on the assholes. Dear sweet parents, we can be awesome... Read more »
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You will always be wrong, and that's all right, because everything is going to be all right

You will always be wrong, and that’s all right. I’m sad that Robin Williams died from depression. That’s how he died you know, from depression. Depression manifests itself differently in each host human, much like cancer or any other disease. It’s a chronic, progressive condition. It can be treated, yes, but even when it’s well... Read more »